Father’s look: what does it mean for a boy?

I often remember one episode connected with my father. Then I was seven years old. I don’t know how accurate this memory is, but I remember my emotions very well. Mom then went to Texas for her grandmother’s funeral. My other grandmother — on my father’s side — came to us, because he himself did not cook, did not clean and did not take care of the children.

My father was an architect and worked from home. The work took up a lot of his time. That Sunday I was running in the backyard. I don’t remember if it was any special game. I just ran and ran in circles until my breath hitched and it got too hot. We lived in the Greater Los Angeles area at the time, and the day was sunny and warm.

Behind the sliding glass doors of our patio, my father had laid out a set of blueprints on the table. Because of his profession, drawings were a constant part of our lives: they lay in the back seat of his car, on the desktop in the office, in the kitchen. I still remember the clear blue color of the ink, its chemical, slightly ammonia smell, and the smooth surface of the paper.

Feeling overheated, I opened the glass doors and stepped out onto the patio. My father’s gaze remained fixed on the blueprints. “I think I have a fever,” I said. «Can you check?» I wonder if people still say “I have a fever” when they mean “I overheated”?

Without looking up from the drawings, dad touched my forehead. A hand on the forehead is a classic way to check if a child has a temperature before taking out the thermometer. «You’re just hot from running around,» said the father. And he didn’t even look at me.

This memory fully reflects our relationship. I always wanted his attention, demanded it in various hidden ways, and never got it. This episode is also associated with the desire to be seen. Numerous studies have shown how much a mother’s gaze influences the development of a child’s personality. We can say that the child sees his reflection in the mother’s gaze.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how important the look of a father is to a child’s personality. In my experience, this shows up later in life. Perhaps this is typical of traditional families — where fathers spent less time with their children, because they devoted themselves to a career and providing for the family. Although I have heard similar stories from several of my younger clients.

I’m talking about fathers and sons, but daughters need daddy’s attention too. It’s just that recently I’ve come across this problem from the side of men. The inability to be seen by the father affects not only the formation of their personality, but also the feeling of being a full-fledged man in adulthood.

In particular, I am thinking of one client in his early thirties. His father was a very successful man, or at least gave the impression of others. My client — let’s call him Seth — went to a prestigious university, works in a high position with a good salary, but still feels like he lives in the shadow of his father. He is afraid that he is not really such an effective leader at all, that he just managed to deceive everyone.

Seth and his father now live in different cities. At a recent family dinner, Seth’s father spent the evening sending messages and letters on his cell phone. Like my father, he never once looked at his son. Seth felt invisible. And got angry. He said something sharp and sarcastic, his father responded in the same manner.

Their relationship reminds me of the times when I was a teenager and also provoked my own father. At least he talked to me when I pissed him off. Even if not with the most pleasant expression on his face, he still looked at me.

My older brother once said that he does not remember a single moment when he and his father spent time together. No fishing, no football, no reading. Nothing. During outdoor recreation, my father went fishing, and I followed him, and he even taught me how to properly bait. But I still remained on my own. I got up early, like a father, and these morning hours were our only pastime together. But we didn’t talk. My father’s eyes were fixed on newspaper articles, and I was reading a book.

When your own father does not look at you, you feel insignificant. This affects both girls and boys, but for a boy, the figure of the father personifies the image of the man as a whole. Love and approval in his eyes help the boy realize his place in society, precisely as a future man. Feel confident and successful in this role.

My brother and I had problems with this. Fortunately, I was fortunate enough to have psychotherapy at a fairly early age, and for another 13 years in a row my doctor (whom I consider almost a second father) looked after me. There were other men who made me feel seen and accepted: a beloved college professor, an older friend, methodologists in analytic training.

Maybe I didn’t get the fatherly look that I longed to get as a child, but since then I’ve managed to stop being invisible. For most of my career as a therapist, I supported the notion that the development of a child is more likely to be influenced by the relationship with the mother. But now I’m focusing on the father-child bond.

Male clients, especially younger ones, often see me as a parental figure. A male doctor can give them a feeling of love and acceptance that they did not get from their own fathers. Of course, everything I have written does not apply exclusively to men. For women, the connection with the father is also of great importance.

About the Author: Joseph Burgo is an American psychotherapist and author of Beware the Narcissist! How to deal with these narcissistic types” (Alpina Publisher, 2017).