Father’s birth

“Mother and Child” – even the name of the place where we are, leaves no choice: this is a women’s territory. Meeting a man here a few years ago was exotic. I remember that time very well: my sons are 13 and 9 years old. And here I am again in the maternity hospital, in the Perinatal Medical Center in Sevastopol. It seems that there are even more men here than women – I ride with them in the elevator, observe in the neonatal unit, next to the doctors’ offices and even in the maternity ward. They do not leave their wives alone with pregnancy and childbirth, participate, help, ask questions to doctors, study test results and bottle feed newborns. “In 10–15 years, everything has changed a lot before our eyes,” says obstetrician-gynecologist Ekaterina Khersonskaya. – Today, the presence of the father in the maternity hospital is taken for granted. All this became possible, among other things, thanks to the opening of modern maternity hospitals and the emergence of disposable sterile clothing. A man can be next to a woman during all examinations for nine months, be present at childbirth, come immediately after the birth of a child, stay overnight in the ward … “

We have gone from one extreme to another. Previously, men did not seem to exist, but now they are everywhere. A little more, and those who stand under the windows of maternity hospitals in the old fashioned way will cause surprise … However, there are still a lot of them: in many maternity hospitals they are not so loyal to the presence of fathers, including for technical reasons. And yet the reality has changed, pregnancy and childbirth are no longer just a matter of women: at the doctors’ offices, I see five patients, four of whom came with their men.

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Mentor Syndrome

30-year-old Pavel does not miss a single new book about pregnancy, he knows the terminology at the level of an experienced user. Now he is persistent, it is important for him that his wife does not forget to tell the doctor about what caused her concern a couple of days ago … “I have to keep the situation under control!” – he explains, apparently not for the first time. His wife doesn’t like her husband’s activity too much: “But you don’t have to come with me to every doctor’s appointment! I can figure it all out on my own.”

Some men want to play the role of a mentor, this is their way to participate in pregnancy. Like Pavel, they answer the doctors’ questions asked to the woman, carry all the documents with them, monitor what their wife eats, whether she takes tests on time.

“Patients perceive what is happening to them differently, and I take it calmly,” explains Ekaterina Khersonskaya. – Excitement during pregnancy can manifest itself in different ways, and this is natural. We, doctors, know how to negotiate with everyone: if they ask, we answer, that’s our job.” Lyudmila Fokina, an ultrasound doctor, is not against the participation of future fathers in pregnancy and childbirth, but only in moderation: “Some mothers believe that a husband needs to understand all the details and subtleties, while the male psyche is worse prepared for the fact that a woman given by nature. I am not sure that men need to be present at all examinations without exception … “

It is this impression – everything in moderation – that a couple who are expecting their second child makes on me. 32-year-old Olivia and Cyril, the French, decided that they would give birth in Moscow. “With the first child, I would not risk it, I would return to France. I still worry about whether I can understand everything that the doctors will say. But we have been living in Moscow for a year and a half and have begun to speak and understand Russian better. And then, the second child is always easier, ”Olivia shares with us. A wonderful couple, young, beautiful, loving – I met them again on the second day after giving birth. “Family means a lot to both of us. The wife’s second pregnancy took place under the supervision of Russian doctors. Every month Olivia had an ultrasound, in France they only do three ultrasounds during pregnancy, and here we knew that everything was under control. We saw our daughter growing, we knew that she was healthy, that everything was in order with her, ”Cyril says enthusiastically, looking first at his wife, then at the newborn Filipina.

I meet another dad. 33-year-old Igor has just left the maternity ward. A businessman, an extremely busy man, he admits that he first came with his wife to see a doctor just before the birth. “But tactically and strategically, I was always involved in the process, I knew what was happening and what we had to do next.”

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The first meeting

“Dad should have no time,” agrees Lyudmila Fokina. “In order for him to feel his involvement, we take photographs, shoot a video during an ultrasound scan…”. “When I first saw the image of a child on the screen, it made a very strong impression on me,” says Igor. “I realized that there is life inside my wife. If before that I spoke about pregnancy as something abstract, at that moment it acquired quite concrete outlines for me. I felt like it all had something to do with me.” Doctors are sure that the image on the monitor screen helps men to realize the reality of pregnancy, to feel the connection with the child, which in women (as a rule) arises by itself. “I have noticed many times that men begin to look at their wives differently, sometimes even with some surprise,” confirms Lyudmila Fokina. – Many then change their usual life, recognizing the reality of the changed circumstances. And some are so worried that they lose consciousness.

Ilya is 34 years old. They have twins with Svetlana, a girl and a boy, Masha and Andryusha. Ilya laments that he was not next to his wife at the time of childbirth – a few days before that he flew on a business trip to Peru. “Even just to get back from there, you need a whole day! Sveta called me at two in the morning, I almost fainted from surprise – we thought that the birth would take place later. When he came to his senses, he literally began to run around the room beside himself with joy, which there was no one to share with. Ilya did not plan to be at the birth, especially since Svetlana was to have a caesarean section. Which, however, is no longer a contraindication for the presence of the father. “If the father is not ready to be in the operating room, he waits nearby,” explains Ekaterina Khersonskaya. – When a child is born, we immediately invite the father to see the baby, take it in his arms, take it to the children’s department … Few of them can hold back tears at the moment of this first meeting. From business and strict men, they turn into touching, loving, worried and tender fathers.

Together is not scary

And yet – no matter how dads prepare for childbirth, when the X hour comes, they go cold with horror. The main thing at this moment is to trust the doctor. And it is the openness of maternity hospitals, the readiness of specialists to meet the needs of patients, to explain, tell and show that leads to the emergence of trusting relationships. As a result, it protects against fears, removes questions, worries, and sometimes allows you to make the only right decision. Igor says. “I was in the corridor when I heard Yulia scream, and then I saw the doctors who went to her block, where our doctor and midwife were already there. It was clear that the birth was not going as it should, and I became scared. Although no, not scary, anxious. But I did not interfere, walked along the corridor and most of all wanted to hear the cry of our child as soon as possible. At such moments, it is difficult for men to express feelings in words. “Sometimes they just don’t know what to say to a woman, how to support her,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Kupriashina. – They are lost and instead of cheering, praising, they say ridiculous: “Everyone gave birth, and you will give birth.”

Igor brought Yulia to the maternity hospital on the eve of our meeting, at one in the afternoon. It’s six o’clock on my watch now. Eva was born only an hour ago. But although the birth lasted more than a day and Igor was always next to his wife, he is cheerful, witty and extremely talkative. We meet in the relaxation room located next to the rodblock. People usually come here to relax without five minutes of dad. Igor tells how he made the decision to be with Yulia during childbirth: “We arrived at the maternity hospital, and after a few hours I thought that everything would happen soon and my participation should be reduced to zero. He told his wife about it and left. But on the way home I realized that I had to go back. Now I am sure that I did the right thing – she needed my support.

The phones of young fathers are ringing endlessly. Congratulations, questions, wishes come … After all, it is the husbands who connect the maternity hospital with the outside world! “It’s good that they call and write to me, and not to my wife,” laughs an enthusiastic 25-year-old Nikita. – We arrived at the maternity hospital at 9 am, and now it is already evening, it is clear that everyone is worried. For me, the most important moment was the day when we were told the sex of the child. The baby has not yet been born, but it seems that I am completely ready to meet him. Although I’m worried: I still don’t know how it is to be a dad. I hope I can make him as happy as my father made me.”

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He is real!

“Everything fell into place when I saw the children, took them in my arms, – after returning from Peru, Ilya first went to the maternity hospital. – Immediately there was a pleasant feeling – “mine”. Now I want to take my wife and children home as soon as possible. Everyone warns me that there will be tears and sleepless nights … So what? But here’s what really worries me: I became the father of a girl and a boy at the same time. And I will need to somehow combine the two roles.

Igor has a completely ready model of education. “Not trying to live her life for Eva, help her become independent, motivated … During childbirth, I experienced a real transformation. I suddenly realized that our lives would change. It won’t be the same as before. And this feeling was captivating: very soon I will take the child in my arms, we will bring him home, and everything will be different. But no one knows how.” He carefully holds his Eve wrapped in diapers in his arms and worries about how Yulia will look in the photo … So much tenderness, joy and at the same time awkwardness in their looks and gestures. Everyone at this moment discovers something new in their partner. And the child finally ceases to be something fantastic, invented! Of course, they only have to realize themselves in a new role – father and mother. But maybe it will be easier because they have come such a long way together…?

I watch young fathers in the corridors of the maternity hospital. Men not only admire their babies, but also willingly agree to swaddle, change clothes, feed and water. “And they easily cope with the new role,” adds Nadezhda Kupriashina. “It’s a pity that many men tend to underestimate themselves and consider infancy to be the time of mothers, not fathers.” If a man changes diapers today, it doesn’t mean that tomorrow he won’t be able to play football with his son or won’t be able to be firm with his daughter. A child will always see the difference between father and mother.

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What’s next?

And finally, a few bright pictures, short conversations and vague feelings that I have from these days. Olivia’s room is completely calm: a French detective and a bottle of Chanel red nail polish. I remember how good it was during my second pregnancy and childbirth, and … I have nothing against these “strange” objects. You feel differently with Ilya and Svetlana: they stayed at the maternity hospital for a week (which is a lot by today’s standards) and are looking forward to returning home. Almost in a hurry. Igor is gradually moving away from the birth marathon and making plans for the evening – a traditional meeting with friends is ahead. Happy Cyril looks at the Philippines and promises to tell her that she was born in Moscow… Without exception, all young fathers dream of spending a lot of time with their children. Although it is unlikely that any of them will decide to take maternity leave, which, by the way, they have every right to … There is an idea that it is important not the number of minutes, but the quality of the time spent with the child. Of course it is. The last thing I see when I leave: Andryusha, half asleep, grabbed his father’s finger, which he put into his palm.