Father and son. Attributes of male education

Father as a guide to the world of social relations

In manifestations of parental love, fathers differ from mothers. In most cases, the mother loves her child unconsciously, her love seems to be programmed genetically. The love of a father is always objective. The father traditionally associates his love with the success and achievements of the child. Thus, literally from the first years of life, the father demonstrates and instills in the child a value attitude towards himself, the world, and the life situation. This is especially evident in the process of raising a boy. Introducing his son to the system of values, the father introduces him to the world of social relations, where a person’s assessment of himself, his successes and achievements is largely formed under the influence of the assessments of others. In fact, based on the evaluative approach to the son, his opinions, decisions, actions, the father consciously or unconsciously teaches the boy to see himself and his actions from the outside, correlating them with a certain system of social assessments, with the criteria for the acceptability of certain actions in a particular situations. It is no coincidence that in everyday consciousness there is a system of double standards in relation to the behavior of boys and girls. Often, not only from his father, but also from his mother, the boy hears: “Be a man!”, “Well, why are you crying like a girl!”, “Be patient, you’re a man!”, “Look at dad!” etc. Thus, almost from the first days of life, the child begins to learn a set of certain social standards that a boy must meet.

The mention of the father in this context is not accidental, because it is the father who introduces the son into the world of social relations. By his behavior, his attitude to the world and to the people around him, the father provides the son with an initial model and for a long time, perhaps the whole life of the son, is for him a direct example to follow. The relationship of a son with his father, no matter what areas they touch and in whatever form they manifest themselves, is always socially oriented. Even more clearly this desire to adapt the boy to the wide world is manifested in direct communication between father and son. Conversations between father and son, joint games and hobbies — all this has a clear social connotation. In all forms of communication, the father, on the basis of his experience, teaches his son to act effectively in certain life situations, and to act as it should be for a man, in accordance with accepted norms of behavior. This life-learning process is diverse and multifaceted. It includes the development of self-control skills, the ability to interact with people, applied skills related to the implementation of practical actions (using tools and various housework, repairing technical devices, etc.), specific «male» hobbies (hunting, fishing, attending sports competitions).

Such educational influences form the boy as a representative of the male subculture, give him knowledge about the distribution of roles and responsibilities between the sexes, create an orientation of his interests and ways of their implementation, corresponding to generally accepted ideas about what a boy should be fond of and do. That is why most fathers are extremely negative about the manifestations of inappropriate, from their point of view, games, hobbies and interests in their son: playing with dolls, using female images in role-playing games, closely following fashion, increased interest in their own appearance, etc. . Also, the son’s lack of interest in technology, craft, etc. can become a subject of irritation for fathers. Such negative emotions are quite understandable: in this situation, the father, at some subconscious level, feels that he is not coping with the function that he must perform — to prepare his son for life in a society where the parameters of a man’s perception are predetermined.

That is why, from the earliest years of the child, the father must participate in the process of his upbringing. In everyday consciousness, there is an opinion that in early childhood the child belongs entirely to the mother, and the father begins to raise the already grown up baby. Such an approach is dangerous because the boy’s spheres of interest, his manners of behavior will be unnecessarily subject to maternal influence. In the absence of a balancing educational influence of the father, this can lead to socially undesirable deformations of the interests, hobbies and behavior of the child. Only under the direct guidance of his father, seeing in front of him a clear example of a masculine approach to solving life problems, the boy will be able to form and realize himself as a man — in accordance with the expectations of society.

The instillation of purely masculine forms of behavior occurs not only through teaching the child some skills or demonstrating a pattern of behavior to him, but also through direct transmission of the system of life values ​​and views on life from father to son. A special role here is played by conversations between father and son on a wide range of problems — both universal, “philosophical”, and affecting the sphere of male interests proper (decision-making and actions in difficult life situations, leisure organization, attitude towards the opposite sex, sexual life, etc.). d.).

On his own, it is very difficult for a boy, a growing man, to decide which model of an act reflects actually masculine traits. In this case, the father sets the most effective example, in comparison with which or on him, guided by the son, he will determine his own behavior. In transmitting to the son the forms and ways of realizing male behavior, the father is obliged to assume the functions of a mediating link that would meet the requirements of society, on the one hand, and would correspond to the father’s personal ideas about the ideal of male behavior, on the other. This complex influence forms the boy as a representative of the male community.

Thus, it is on the shoulders of the father that this difficult, responsible, but honorable duty is placed — to introduce the son into the world of social relations, to teach him to respond like a man to the challenges that life throws, to help him manifest and realize himself as a man. This is one of the main functions of the father in the upbringing of the boy — but not the only one.

Father as a model of relations with the opposite sex and sexuality

Another extremely important function of the father is the organization of the sexual education of the boy. A father for a son is the primary source, if not direct, then indirect information about the relationship between the sexes. It is in the family, observing the relationship between father and mother, that the boy acquires the first experience of relating to the opposite sex. The father here acts as a model of male behavior, which at first will be unconsciously copied by the son in almost all situations related to communication with the opposite sex.

At the age of 3 to 5, every little man experiences the so-called Oedipus complex — the desire to concentrate the mother’s love and attention on himself, while the father is seen as a rival in the struggle for this love, which awakens negative emotions in the child towards him . This situation can be considered as one of the stages of the child’s psychosexual development, at which, with the help of behavioral means available to him, he first declares his gender and actively demonstrates it.

From the point of view of psychology, there is nothing unnatural in this, but for many fathers, this behavior of the son becomes an unexpected and unpleasant surprise. And this is quite understandable, because opposition to the father can take a variety of forms — from the desire to constantly be with the mother and limit her communication with the father to open manifestations of verbal and non-verbal aggression. Such behavior of a son seems to most fathers unreasonable and inexplicable: an affectionate and obedient son suddenly becomes uncontrollable and aggressive. However, it is not worth overdramatizing the events — all this is temporary. Usually, by the age of 5-6, the Oedipus complex is resolved through the formation of stable traits of gender-role behavior inherent in a man, and the adoption of the father as the main object for imitation.

However, attention should be paid to the fact that the effective resolution of the Oedipus complex, as well as the normal development of sexual identification in general, is possible only if the father actively participates in the boy’s life. The absence of a father as an example of male gender-role behavior can have far-reaching consequences for a boy, ranging from problems establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex to sexual disorientation and sexual problems.

How important is a father?

Summing up, we can conclude that the roles and functions of the father in the upbringing of the boy are reduced to two main duties that are extremely important for his (the boy’s) future life.

• The father introduces the child into the world of social relations, teaches him to adequately perceive and evaluate himself and others, and contributes to the formation of his son as a representative of the male subculture. All this determines the personal and social development of the boy.
• The father helps the son to realize himself as a man, which predetermines the normal mental development of the boy and prevents problems in the field of gender relations.

The non-participation of a man in the performance of these important functions can serve as a source of a wide variety of problems in a boy’s life:

• he can become an outcast among his peers, acquiring the label of «sissy», only because he did not have before his eyes an example of male behavior, a male way of solving life’s problems;
• a boy can become the subject of ridicule due to ignorance of any realities of the male subculture;
• his communication with representatives of the opposite sex can also be aggravated by a large number of problems due to the inability to make contacts and build a system of relationships.

The roots of all these difficulties usually lie in the fact that at the appropriate moments in the development of the son, the father did not pay the necessary attention to his upbringing, considered unnecessary a simple sincere conversation with his son, or, which most often happens, there was simply not enough time for this. In the modern world, fathers of families often see it as their duty to ensure the material well-being of the family — and this cannot be considered wrong in any way. The problem is that the role of the father in the family, especially in the upbringing of the boy, is not limited to this. The lack of material resources is perceived very painfully, but the absence of a father’s upbringing can have simply catastrophic consequences for the boy’s future life. That is why, with all the difficulties and hardships, a loving father must remember that the happiness of his son depends not so much on the material resources that the father invested in his child, but on how effectively he, the father, coped with his educational functions.

About trust and mutual understanding between father and son

Trust is built from an early age. For the relationship of father and son, trust is the cornerstone on which the entire system of raising a man is built and on which the successful result of this process depends.

Trust and mutual understanding in the relationship of father and son are laid from an early age. If the father from the first days of the child’s life takes an active part in caring for him, playing with him and talking, this creates an important psychological bond between them. The father himself, perhaps without noticing it, begins to better understand his child, his desires and needs. All this creates a solid basis for the development of mutual understanding between father and son in the future. Mutual understanding, in turn, is a prerequisite for the formation of trusting relationships. The initiator, the source of trust here is the father. It is his actions that prevent the emergence of a barrier of misunderstanding and coldness.

From a very early age, the boy needs to be sure that the father is a person who can understand and help him, and this ability to understand is not similar to that shown by the mother, it is based not on the desire to regret, but on a male assessment of the problem and ways to solve it. And the father can achieve such confidence of the son in him only through the demonstration of his attitude. Sincere interest in the affairs and experiences of the son, in his opinions and hobbies, conversations on a wide variety of topics — these are the simple tricks that create special warmth and mutual understanding in the relationship between father and son. And the fruit of these efforts will be the son’s trust in his father — like the blooming of a flower bud in response to caring for him.

Initially, in childhood, this trust is simple and unsophisticated and is expressed primarily in the fact that the child has an urgent need to tell his father about the events that have happened in his life, for example, today. These events in the eyes of an adult can be quite ordinary. But no matter how ordinary, not worthy of attention they may seem, in no case should they be ignored, demonstrating indifference. Having brushed aside, not listening to his son one, another time at the moment when the son longs for communication, wants to be heard, the father will simply kill this need in the child — and the next time the boy will not come to his father to share his story with him. Perhaps he will find another listener or withdraw into himself, but, be that as it may, the first, albeit subtle, crack will appear in the relationship between father and son, which in the future may lead to a complete lack of understanding.

Sometimes another situation can be observed — the baby does not show a clear need to share his experiences with anyone, stories about events in his life, etc. Perhaps this is due to the psychological characteristics of the child — if the boy has a phlegmatic temperament, then he will not strongly strive to be noticed, listened to, etc. But another explanation is possible: for some reason, the child has the wrong impression about the insignificance of the events that happen to him, about the absence of the need to tell others about them people, and then the boy will also not be disposed to talk. In these cases, it is worth not leaving the child to himself, but carefully, unobtrusively creating an atmosphere that would contribute to his self-disclosure. You can start a conversation with a child not with a direct question, but with a story about some case or event, perhaps even unrelated to what you would like to talk about. Such a technique will pave the way for the continuation of communication, during which it will be possible to discuss the issue of interest to the parent.

The son has matured. How to maintain trust?

Regardless of who is the initiator of communication — the son or the father, it is necessary in order not to interrupt the connecting thread that arises between father and son from early childhood. And if trust at this age is not yet colored by the specifics of male or female communication, but simply serves as a sign of a sincere and positive relationship between a son and a father, then in the future trust will play a decisive role in the transmission and perception of information about the characteristics of the male subculture.

Such trust and mutual understanding acquire importance in adolescence. Adolescent communication is specific, which is manifested in the topics discussed, the degree of openness of communication, etc. Usually, teenage boys are very secretive and are not inclined to share their experiences with anyone at all, and even more so they are not ready to talk with their parents about those questions that really interest them — about friendship, love, sexual relations. It is not often that there are families in which there is complete trust between parents and a teenage son. Even less often, a father is chosen as an object of trust, a person to whom one can tell the most intimate.

As our studies of the formation of trusting relationships in adolescence have shown, topics such as personal secrets, friendship and love, committed misconduct, at the age of 11-12 years are discussed mainly with their mother, or with no one at all, and starting from the age of 13, the main objects trust become friends and girlfriends, while parents fade into the background. Thus, in the process of growing up a child, trust and mutual understanding with parents, if not completely lost, is significantly reduced. This happens partly for reasons related to the psychological characteristics of a teenager — the desire to be or appear independent in adolescence often takes hypertrophied forms, and therefore a teenager tends to reject any, even reasonable, advice from parents and not perceive them not only as authorities, but also generally as people who can be trusted. But to some extent, the parents themselves are to blame for the loss of trust, being indifferent to the problems of a teenager, ignoring his opinion, etc.

However, maintaining a kind, understanding, trusting relationship between parents and a teenage child is by no means an unattainable ideal. Perhaps some cooling will still occur due to the already mentioned changes in the adolescent’s self-perception. But firstly, this is not a generally binding rule, and secondly, it is in the power of parents to prevent the deepening of misunderstanding and distrust. The recipe here is simple — not in words, but in deeds, you need to respect the teenager, listen and take into account his opinion, do not try to solve his problems for him and against his wishes. Mutual trust between father and son is important for several reasons. Firstly, only under this condition can they discuss very personal, purely masculine topics, for example, changes that occur in the body of a teenager during puberty. Not trusting his father, the boy is unlikely to turn to him with such questions. The father’s distrust of his son may manifest itself in the fact that he will not be ready to speak frankly with his son on these topics, even if he turns to him for clarification. Secondly, trust is necessary so that the son does not perceive with skepticism what the father tells him. By trusting the father’s advice based on life experience, the son will be able to avoid many mistakes and disappointments in his own life. However, here, too, reciprocal trust on the part of the father is essential — only by truly trusting the son, the father can allow him to independently determine his fate. Such a step requires the father and the determination to give the son this right, including the right to make a mistake. It is not easy to take this step, because this is not a formal removal from the problems of the son, but a sincere recognition that the son has already become an adult (this is not easy for parents) and no longer needs guardianship and control from his father.

Yes, exactly through the manifestation of parental trust, the boy enters the world of adults, enters into his independent life. It starts with little things — the father allows his son to do something on his own, without controlling him, «without standing over his soul.» This small step opens the way to the future, the completion of which for the son will be his ability to independently make decisions, set goals and plan ways to achieve them, i.e. the acquisition of the whole complex of qualities necessary for a man. And without the trust of the father, the development of independence in a boy is impossible. Male infantilism is nothing more than a habit of lack of independence, of shifting responsibility to others, generated by a lack of trust on the part of parents. That is why the expression of trust is important not only for the son — by this he shows filial respect for his father, but also for the father — after all, his trust in his son is one of the key means of forming truly masculine qualities.

Men’s joys: joint games and hobbies

Games with a child begin from the very first months of his life. At first, these are various finger games — “Forty-white-sided”, “Ladushki”; rattle games, etc. In such games, the father usually does not take part, leaving these fun and entertainment to the mother. But this position is absolutely wrong. In these simple, but extremely necessary games for the development of the child, there is a complex work to establish contacts between the child and the outside world. And the absence of the father in these games leads to the fact that the child begins to perceive him as something distant, incomprehensible, alien. By playing and communicating, father and son begin to build their relationship. The child gets used to the timbre of his father’s voice, to his appearance, actions. The father, for his part, learns to understand his child and his needs, expressed through facial expressions, babble, etc. Thus, the basis of future mutual understanding between father and child is created in the game. We are not yet talking about a son or daughter, because in the first months of a child’s life, there is no need to differentiate games and communication with him by gender. Even toys bought by parents for a child of the first year of life do not have any strict division by gender — they are universal: rattles, balls, soft toys, etc. are equally used in games by both boys and girls.

How to play with a boy?

But in the second year of a child’s life, the situation changes dramatically. The choice of toys is already clearly determined by the sex of the child. And although a certain universalism of toys is still present — soft toys, pyramids, cubes are still purchased for both boys and girls, but otherwise the toys bought by a son or daughter are beginning to differ more and more. For a boy, such a valuable acquisition is most often a toy car, and for a girl — a doll. This is how separate games for girls and boys appear from about the age of one. And it is natural that here, in boyish games, the father takes a more active part.

What are these games?

They necessarily have a focus on the development of certain properties and qualities inherent in men and most in demand in life situations that men face. So the joint games of father and son have a number of fairly clearly identifiable features. First of all, they necessarily have an active motor component. The joint games of father and son are most often noisy fuss and running around. Hide-and-seek, hide-and-seek, catch-up — these are typical examples of such games. They stimulate the physical development necessary in the formation of a man. Often in such games there are elements of power confrontation: various types of struggle, practicing methods of physical impact and counteraction, etc. So in the game, the father gives his son lessons in psychological and physical preparation for possible options for clarifying the relationship that the boy may encounter in the future.

However, the initiative in organizing games of this kind does not come only from the father. The son can also start such entertainment. It must be said that the popularity of such games gradually increases, starting at about 4-5 years of age, and reaches its apogee by 7-8 years. This is not accidental — it is during this age interval that the process of the boy’s sexual self-identification, active self-affirmation as a representative of the male half of humanity, falls. This explains the need for power confrontations with the father, which make a significant contribution to such self-affirmation. The skills and abilities acquired in games with the father are subsequently transferred to a new environment, and the process of self-affirmation begins anew among peers.

Another sign of men’s games is their clearly expressed competitive orientation. Already from the first years of the boy’s life, in his games with his father there is an element of comparison: who is stronger, faster, more accurate, etc. That is why in almost any game there are certain signs that determine victory. Achieving victory is the simplest and most effective way to find out which of the participants in the game turned out to be the strongest, most dexterous, skillful, etc. The competitiveness of the games of father and son has considerable psychological significance. Firstly, it can be regarded as an unconscious desire of the son to test himself, his qualities in a situation of rivalry with another male representative, which is the father. Secondly, this is the desire to feel like a winner, a person capable of significant efforts to achieve the goal. Thirdly, this is again the stimulation of the physical and mental development of the boy, the catalyst for which is precisely the competition, comparing oneself with others. All this together allows the boy to prepare for an independent life within the male subculture, because rivalry is one of the main characteristics of male communication.

Naturally, in a rivalry with his father, the boy has a rather illusory chance of winning. However, in the game, the father must remember that the feeling of victory is necessary for his son. This in no way means that the father should constantly give in to his son, on the contrary, an easy victory, and even more so the disclosure of a clear concession on the part of the father, can lead to disappointment and resentment. And the older the son, the more offensive these giveaways will be for him. But at the same time, sometimes a father needs to give in to his son. This should not be an obvious, feigned concession — for a complete sense of victory, the concession must occur after a stubborn struggle. And how joyful it will be for the son to realize that he was able to defeat a strong and dexterous opponent! From a psychological point of view, this feeling of victory is very important for the formation of a man, the formation of his self-esteem.

Adult games

As the son grows older, his games with his father gradually lose their childishness and approach those games that adults play. In communication between father and son, sports (football, volleyball) and intellectual-logical (card games, dominoes, etc.) games occupy an increasing place. These games, accepted in the male environment, replace those played by the father and his little son. Fighting (or rather, it is a power confrontation with his father), playing with cars and soldiers lose their attractiveness for a growing son, become symbols of childhood for him, unacceptable for an already “adult” boy, as he considers himself. However, the desire to play does not disappear. And those tasks that were solved in children’s games, at the next age stage, starting from 9-10 years old, are already implemented with the help of other games traditionally accepted in the male community. In addition to the already mentioned functions of the game related to the development of masculine qualities, these games have another important element — they serve as a tool for introducing the boy into the world of male relationships, into the world of male subculture.

Thus, in preadolescence and adolescence, the games of father and son will already have a clearly oriented social orientation, introducing the boy to male forms of entertainment. And probably, the beginning and middle of adolescence, i.e. 10-12 years old, will be the last age period when joint games are still present in the communication of father and son. After that, the games themselves gradually become an infrequent type of pastime (with the possible exception of computer games), and peers are chosen as partners for games. It can be said that by this age the joint games of father and son had fulfilled their task. The boy already has experience of competition and interaction in the game, he knows the rules of behavior in such “male” games, etc. Therefore, “the Moor has done his job, the Moor can leave” — in adolescence, the games of father and son really lose their meaning and meaning as a preparation for the independent life of the boy, because this independent life and communication in the male environment has already begun.

Male hobbies

The games of father and son in adolescence disappear, but this does not mean that the joint pastime and entertainment of father and son stop there. There is still a vast sphere of communication between father and son, connected with common affairs and hobbies. The development of this area goes in parallel with the development of joint games. Their tasks completely coincide — this is preparation for an independent life and familiarization with the male subculture. It is unlikely that a father will teach his son to embroider or initiate a joint trip to clothing stores — these entertainment options do not belong to the traditional sphere of male interests. But learning how to repair equipment, driving cars and motorcycles, or, for example, attending a football competition — these hobbies are considered male.

The world of men’s hobbies and entertainment is very diverse, even a simple listing of them takes up a lot of space — this is the repair and design of any technical devices, and active sports, and men’s hobbies: hunting, fishing, «cheering» for sports teams, various types of modeling, etc. Introducing the son into the world of these hobbies, the father thereby contributes to his self-determination as a man, determines the formation of his horizons according to the male type. This is how the problem of adapting the son to the male environment is solved. After all, it is these hobbies that are likely to become the subject of discussion among peer boys. Possession of knowledge and skills in the traditionally male fields of activity greatly increases the boy’s prestige and his social status among his peers. So, through introducing the son to the values ​​of the male subculture, the father influences his perception by peers and adult men.

The boy’s attitude to male hobbies for his environment plays the role of an indicator of «friend / foe». If a boy is fond of masculine activities and has succeeded in this, then, from the point of view of the male community, he may well be recognized as “one of them”; if his interests and hobbies differ from those traditionally accepted in the male environment, then representatives of the male community will treat him with suspicion. The father, on the other hand, is charged by society with the duty to introduce his son to the world of male hobbies in order to facilitate his subsequent adaptation in the male community. However, there is another, perhaps not so noticeable, but no less important function of the joint hobbies of father and son. In joint hobbies, interpersonal ties between son and father are strengthened. It is known that common activity brings people together. And hobbies, in which both father and son take part, play the same role. The time spent doing your favorite activities creates a favorable atmosphere for establishing contacts, conducive to communication. Thus, joint hobbies strengthen trust and mutual understanding between father and son and create in them a sense of community and ownership of each other’s successes.

Regret cannot be punished: severity and cruelty in paternal upbringing

Usually father’s punishments are stricter and longer than mother’s ones, the father is less likely to make concessions or mitigate decisions on punishment. Incidentally, this shows both the lesser psychological flexibility and the greater conservatism inherent in fathers. However, paradoxically, such methods of influence from the father are perceived by the sons more loyally than if they came from the mother. Perhaps, on some intuitive level, boys understand the need for such punishments. The boy needs paternal strictness — this is how he receives the first lessons of interaction with the male community, where laws are often ruled that are not burdened with excessive humanity. Therefore, the severity of paternal punishments is justified. However, here it is important to separate the severity, rigidity of educational influences and cruelty.

Probably, the main difference between harshness in punishment and cruelty will be respect for the personality of the son. Punishment associated with the humiliation of a person will never achieve an educational goal, will never lead to a positive result, and cannot be justified in any way. After all, such a punishment is just a mockery. In this sense, even physical punishment, carried out without humiliation, will have a greater positive effect than any bilious mockery of the son.

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.