Psychologists often have to deal with daughters’ accusations against their mother: she criticizes a lot, interferes in relationships, lowers self-esteem, controls, destroyed marriage … But are adult daughters always so harmless?
A caring daughter, a loving husband, a house full of grandchildren — this is how Marina saw her old age. But life included her in the game “Electra. Version XXI».
Forty-year-old Marina sat in front of me in complete confusion. She told her story as if through force, finding words with difficulty. She didn’t understand how it all happened.
She gave birth to a daughter at the age of 20, while still at the institute. The girl was born in June, and already in September Marina returned to the institute, leaving her mother-in-law’s child in another city — the air is cleaner there and the conditions are better. Not in a hostel to raise a child! At the first opportunity, a young mother rushed to see the baby, but intense study and part-time work made it possible to do this infrequently.
The daughter was bored, crying, tearing Marina’s heart. The mother-in-law did not miss the opportunity to call the mother a cuckoo, emphasizing what kind of unlucky parents the child got. But in general, grandparents adored their granddaughter, trying to compensate for the absence of their parents.
After graduation, Marina began to resolutely build a career, everything went well. My husband was doing well too. The girl had to go to the first class, and her parents decided to take her to them.
Dad rarely saw his daughter, traveling on business trips and building a financial empire for «his girls»
The feeling of guilt, steadily formed in Marina over the years, demanded compensation. She did not quit her career, but there was no such zeal as before. In addition, the husband perfectly provided for the family, without refusing anything.
This became the leitmotif in education — not to refuse anything to your daughter. Dad rarely saw his daughter, traveling on business trips and building a financial empire for «his girls.» What he lacked in communication he made up for with gifts. Moreover, the gifts of mother and daughter were equivalent: earrings for mother and earrings for daughter. A fur coat for a mother and a fur coat for a daughter.
At the age of 13-14, the daughter changed dramatically, becoming an attractive girl. She already used her mother’s wardrobe as her own, since the size allowed. At her mother’s timid attempts to stop this, the girl rushed into tears: “You and dad don’t love me!” Both parents quickly gave up: we’ll do whatever you want, just don’t cry. The girl skillfully used the power of her tears, getting what she wanted. And if earlier most of the requests to dad were carried out through mom, now the daughter acted directly. Mom was already confronted with a fact.
The father sometimes began to take the girl on business trips, talked about his business. The daughter showed sincere interest, choosing her father’s profession for the future. It was decided to send the girl to study abroad.
When her daughter had her first admirers, she spoke of them disparagingly, praising her father. She considered them unworthy, and the image of her father — inaccessible to mortals.
The father-daughter tandem loomed more and more. There were secrets from my mother, and her presence frankly annoyed the “beloved daughter”. The rivalry was already obvious, friends told Marina about this more than once. But she did not want to listen: we are so guilty before her, we deprived her of her childhood with her parents! Guilt drowned out the voice of reason.
It all ended with the fact that in one of the quarrels, the daughter shouted to Marina in the face that her father had a young mistress for a long time, “he is leaving you soon, that’s how you need it!”. It turned out that all this time both the daughter and the inner circle, and even the mother-in-law in another city, knew about that other woman.
For the last few months, Marina has been living in a bad dream. The daughter went to study abroad. They rarely see each other, talking mainly by phone. The arrival of the mother to visit the daughter was irritated, and the visit turned out to be short. Relations with her husband collapsed after the revealed betrayal. Knowing that father and daughter still communicate closely, Marina feels the situation as a double betrayal.
The fight for the main man has taken a new turn. Better with a mistress — the main thing is that the mother does not get
Analyzing this situation at the consultation, I, of course, remembered the Electra complex. In Greek mythology, Electra helped her brother Orestes avenge the death of her father, King Agamemnon. The king was killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her lover, Aegisthus. Orestes grew up and, led by Electra, killed both his mother and Aegisthus.
In Jungian psychology, behind the terms «Electra complex» and «Oedipus complex» is the study of a person’s maturation, his passage through age crises, separation from his parents. I must say right away that this complex is not for everyone. In order for it to form, certain conditions are needed. In our story, they were present: the mother’s busyness in her daughter’s childhood, the rare presence and detachment of the father, conflicts between mother and daughter.
Analyzing the case of Marina, we found many parallels in the stories. Agamemnon, Electra’s father, was in the Trojan War for many years. Distance is the perfect background for idealizing the image of the father. In the myth, Elektra loses her father. Here, in order to prevent loss, the girl tries to eliminate her mother from the relationship.
While the girl was fighting with her mother, a mistress appeared. The fight for the main man has taken a new turn. Better with a mistress — the main thing is that the mother does not get it. However, the father’s love slipped away again. The father got carried away, pulled away even more. Because of the inability to own the love of her father undividedly, the girl experienced great anger. But daddy can’t be blamed, he’s adored. It remained to blame the mother — she is bad, since the father got a mistress.
At the end of our story, the daughter also won. She removed her mother from the relationship. On the contrary, she only strengthened her relationship with her father against the background of her parents’ divorce. And not so long ago, the girl had a boyfriend, whom she is going to marry.
Why did it all happen?
The negative scenario formed in this family at the very beginning became a severe trauma for its youngest member, the daughter. In order not to collapse completely, the girl’s psyche formed the Elektra complex as a variant of protection. Yes, it’s protection. Instead of defusing the complex and helping their daughter, the parents “helped” fix it. As a result, everyone suffered.
To avoid this, it is necessary to go through two stages: at 3-5 years and 13-15. If you do not build at this moment the boundaries between mother and daughter and between father and daughter, the girl will consider her dad to be her own. The manifestation of hostility towards the mother and irritation are only some of the signs of the acute stage of this conflict.
Candidates for husbands do not reach the level of their father, and girls choose life according to the principle “I myself”
In adolescence, it is the mother who has to change her behavior for the daughter. To the role of a loving mother, you need to add … the role of a stepmother.
Contrary to popular belief, the role of a stepmother is not bad at all. In short, she is needed in order for the daughter to separate. The result of this process can be traced in the plots of fairy tales — for example, «Morozko». When the mother turns on the stepmother, it turns out Nastenka. When it doesn’t turn on, the beloved daughter will remain Marfusha.
If you observe in society, there are a lot of girls with the Electra complex. All of them clearly gravitate towards the male society. In childhood, these are yard companies of boys, then such girls choose risky sports, men’s professions, sometimes very dangerous.
When they grow up, it can be difficult for them to get married. Candidates for husbands do not reach the level of their father, and girls choose life according to the principle “I myself”. Often they are drawn to older men, and even married ones. In this version, they need not so much a man as a rivalry with his wife. As in childhood, the struggle for the father against the mother. And even if a girl gets her prize in the form of a marriage with this man, it will be difficult to build a normal relationship — she simply does not know how.
How can you help your child overcome the Electra complex? The best remedy is support from both parents and communication. It is necessary to clarify the roles in the family, who is related to whom. Why dad and mom love each other, and how a father treats his daughter.
If the relationship between father and mother is normal, loving, the internal conflict in the daughter is gradually dissolved.
In adulthood, the Electra complex can be worked out by chance, in the most unexpected way. The option when a woman faces an opponent and loses to her. The further process of finding oneself is very painful, but it is worth it. Through pain, working through what was missed in childhood and adolescence, a woman changes, matures. In the process, she begins to understand herself, her belonging to the female gender, defines the boundaries, becomes stronger.
Revisit your breakups and what you thought was a loss. In fact, through these lessons you have gained more — yourself. Passing through such crises, a woman begins to understand what she wants and what she does not want. What she likes and dislikes. How to deal with it, and how not to. This understanding becomes the basis for our inner support.
Complete liberation from the Electra complex is impossible without establishing relationships with the mother. Only a woman can teach another to be a woman. In order to do this, you need to learn how to talk to your mother from the position of an adult. But the decision to grow up is yours to make.
After working through the complex, you will get inner freedom and be able to build the desired relationship.
One of the manifestations of growing up is the ability to communicate. Talk to your mother not from the role of a daughter. Imagine that you are just another person. Ask about her childhood and relationship with her mother. Surely you will see something similar and understand that she simply did not know how to treat you differently.
If you talk to her consciously, you will have a chance to correct childhood mistakes and move to a new level of relationship. If for some reason it is impossible to talk, try writing a letter to your mother. Take the time to write about your feelings. Tell us what you missed in childhood and now. What are you offended by, what hurts the most.
Describe the cases that you still cannot forget. Write about everything that hurts. After that, it will be easier for you to forgive her — and maybe understand. You do not need to send this email. It is written to change your inner attitude towards your mother. And the paper can be burned or torn into pieces.
Usually the Electra complex goes away with adolescence, but if you have noticed some signs of this condition now, in adulthood, or you find it difficult to build a relationship with a man, do not delay, contact a specialist. Having worked through the complex, you will receive inner freedom and will be able to finally build the desired relationship.