About the WE family says prof. N.I. Kozlov.
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Family WE.
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The essence of the WE family: taking care of both of us, about ourselves and about you, about our couple.
In the WE family, you and I are no longer separate. We ceased to be separate elements and became a couple, parts of one whole. You become part of me, I become part of you. «You and I are one.» We do not have your and my children — our children are only common. My money is always your money, your time and mine are always our common time. I am happy to help you in all matters and I know that you will always be happy to help me. I think not about myself, but about us, and I can always count on your help and support. We have our own personal territories only when we specifically create them, and by default, everything is a common territory where none of us can and does not want to decide anything without the consent of the other. We make all decisions together, until we specifically agree on something else in some area.
Internal wording: “Sometimes I want to kill you, but I don’t want to get a divorce.” “A divorce is out of the question, so we have two options: either shoot ourselves or learn to negotiate.”
Feeling WE: «You and I are one, an extension of each other.» base of intimacy. There may be elements of a deal in the WE family, but its basis is different: the couple lives by (consciously or unconsciously) believing in love — in the fact that the other can take care of you as of himself.
Since the WE family forms a single organism, a single system, then in the best versions of such a family it has a head of the family — the one who solves the most difficult issues and takes care of everyone.
Family We fit few. It suits only those
- who exactly wants such a family (in reality, there are not many of them),
- who believes in the possibility of such a family (young people, it happens, believe in such a family exactly until they try to get down to business from romantic fairy tales and “la-la”).
- those who can master such a family, who have the strength and beauty of personality to build such a family.
It must be admitted that the WE family is a much more difficult structure than the I + I family, it is really only capable of mature people, with life experience and wisdom. From a man, she requires the ability to be the head of the family, from a woman — readiness to support her husband’s decisions, from both — to think first of all not about their own interests, but about the interests of the family. The chances are greater for those who received an exclusive upbringing (well, there are wonderful families, left over from the old days!) Or who underwent special training in Sinton — although I still won’t promise everyone the desired result. Excuse me.
If a couple (or at least one person in a couple) cannot cope with the WE relationship, controversial and simply crooked variants of the WE relationship appear …
Some kind of WE family lives in a very calm, I would even say — rotten mode. We are a couple, everything is great for us, no one is going to change anything. Well, harmoniously, in a single chord, they rot. The WE family is closer to me, where each of the partners is in development, takes care of the development of the other, and both are looking for options, how can they not fight each other now …
Love, it happens, is significantly replaced by affection (“I can’t live without you!”, And then fear settles behind the desire to be together. “I am forced to be a part of you, and you must be a part of me, otherwise I die.” When a couple lives not affection, but love, no fear: “I am with you because you are as interesting to me as I am.” You become a part of my life because I want to take care of you.
Another danger to the family WE — desire for the Other to become like me. In fact, WE is not necessarily an identity at all. In a pair of «WE» there may be a natural acceptance of the other as another: the other is also me, although with completely different characteristics.
The third danger of the WE family is crooked care. Crooked illusory (template) vision of our (yours and mine) needs, interests and tasks. One takes care of the other, but this does not please anyone. Or pleases only one side, and the other as a toy. This is often the most sincere love — without any respect for the interests of the other: «I know what you really need!». Such relationships are especially common among loving mothers, and the classic of the genre: «Sema, it’s time for you to go home!» “What, Mom, am I cold or hungry?”
The most problematic variant of family relationships is when one of the partners is trying to build WE relationships, and the other is in the ideology of I + I … What to do here? Still, start with the I + I relationship, and only gradually, as you succeed in building mutually acceptable relationships, gradually move on to the WE relationship.
Psychological games on the topic
Game «White and Black Sea»