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We tend to think that our life is the result of our decisions and actions. But is it? Why do we build relationships with partners of a certain type or face the same problems in all jobs and can’t change anything? Most likely, because we live according to someone else’s scenario, which is passed down in our family from generation to generation.
We are an extension of our family, whether we like it or not. We carry the genes of our own kind, grow up in a certain environment, and from childhood we absorb the attitudes, fears and desires of loved ones.
Therefore, we are so influenced by parental scenarios – events and patterns of behavior that we first observe in the parental family, and then unconsciously transfer into our lives.
From one parent to another
Our parents themselves often become victims of other people’s scenarios – for example, those according to which it is not customary for people to show feelings even towards relatives. Where do they come from? Perhaps from grandparents who lived in difficult conditions, when there was no time for tenderness – they had to survive.
How many events have there been in recent history when people were starving, losing property, freedom, health? How many people survived their loved ones during wars and repressions and, in order to cope with this trauma and survive, “forbade” themselves to feel?
Therefore, they raised children who do not know love. And those, after a while, blocked the manifestations of feelings already in relation to their own children.
What areas of our lives are affected by parental script?
Personal life
Our personal life largely reflects the pattern of parental relationships. For example, if they divorced, we can start beating ourselves with a fist in the chest: “Here, it will definitely be different with us, so we won’t quarrel over trifles, be jealous and make scenes.” And then we find ourselves in a relationship where, without noticing it ourselves, we are overly suspicious of a partner, all the time we expect betrayal from him. And thus we create the conditions for a situation that we did not want to repeat.
Career
If relatives did not have the opportunity to prove themselves, then we can unconsciously block our success: choose a less promising job, go into procrastination where, on the contrary, we need to get together and make a breakthrough.
At the subconscious level, it works like this: “If I become more successful than my parents, I will break out of the accepted way of life. Which means I can be rejected. Therefore, in order for me to be accepted and receive parental love, I need to be like them. Even if they say they want me to develop and succeed.”
It is especially difficult to become rich and successful for those whose families have faced tragic financial events. It is important to know about them in order to be able to work out the possible consequences.
Attitude towards yourself
Do we allow ourselves to spend money on our own pleasures? Are we resting enough? Do we care about our health? It also depends on the parents.
So, a person who “made himself” and created a successful business from scratch may have an internal ban on vacation: “My parents plowed from morning to night seven days a week, which means I need it too.”
The athlete has other thoughts: “My father won with an injury, and I will too.” And the mother of small children thinks: “Grandma lived with one dress all her life, but she raised seven. Why should I buy something for myself?
So we unconsciously block the easy and joyful path, having the opportunity to make our life happier.
Health
If we are afraid of hereditary diseases, find ourselves with symptoms “like a mother”, or delay a visit to the doctor, just like a father, then parental scripts play a significant role in this area of our life. Their influence is so strong that it can even affect our well-being.
How to learn to live your life?
The influence of parental models is certainly great, but you should not take them as something unshakable. This is not a sentence for your life. If you want to change it for the better, you can correct even the most pessimistic scenario. What is needed for this?
- Study the history of the family in order to see the existing scenarios and make an informed decision to take a different path;
- Accept the fact that it is impossible to change the past;
- Take responsibility for your life;
- Give yourself the right to live the life you want for yourself;
- If necessary, turn to specialists in helping professions – doctors, psychologists. They will help define the scenario and guide you on your path to change.
About the Developer
Alena Savinova – systemic family psychologist. Her и .