Every family and every person has secrets. Which of them must be disclosed, and which are better left behind seven seals? And is it worth making the truth about yourself and about others public?
“Why can’t we conceive a child, because we are both perfectly healthy?” With such a question, 39-year-old Irina and her husband, 31-year-old Sergey, came to the psychotherapist. In the process of therapy, it turned out that one day, in the midst of violent sex, the phone rang: Sergey was informed that his father had just died at work. The state of emergency threatened to end with the closure of the plant and a prison term for those responsible. Sergei was asked not to sue, so as not to leave hundreds of families without breadwinners and a piece of bread, and they promised to pay decent compensation. After agonizing thought, he decided to remain silent.
The official version was that the father was drunk (although he did not drink at all) and died through his own fault. With the money paid by the plant, the family bought an apartment. Irina immediately noted: before that, the sociable, cheerful Sergey definitely froze, began to drink. Sergei confessed to a psychotherapist: he carried the fear that the tragedy could happen again with him and his future children, and the guilt for having betrayed the honor and memory of his father. Even Sergei’s mother did not know the truth, and this made it even harder for him. The fact that this story is connected with the infertility of the couple was a revelation for Irina and her husband.
“If there is a secret, then there will be a large area of emotional tension,” explains family psychotherapist Natalya Olifirovich. — They don’t talk about her, but she still “font”. Because it is associated with some unsatisfied needs, unseemly acts and, of course, with deep feelings that arise around her.
When we talk about the family system, we understand that the life of any family member affects everyone else. “A secret is such an important thing that a person consciously chose to keep in order to protect himself or others, or an organization, or even a country,” continues systemic family therapist Igor Lyubitov. “Keeping part of life a secret requires constant and serious effort.” This is the principle of «secret work».
The secret itself can be hidden, forgotten, repressed, but the efforts to protect it do not go unnoticed by others.
We see some “strange” behavior of a family member, but we interpret it in our own way. Fantasies often turn out to be worse than what is hidden behind the scenes.
“Now that mirror neurons have been discovered, they write a lot about the fact that we can, even without knowing cognitively, perceive information emotionally. Parents who hide the secret, or other family members in some invisible way, report it anyway. And it can be passed down from generation to generation,” warns Natalia Olifirovich.
Does this mean that all secrets are worth discovering? Or are there secrets better left buried? Why can’t some people be silent anymore and sometimes expose themselves in the most cruel and cruel ways — by making publications on social networks and loud statements in the press?
Son of a father
Psychologists believe that the family must necessarily disclose information about the origin, adoption, serious illness, as well as about relatives deleted from the annals due to the fact that they did not comply with its rules and laws. “A couple approached me, they raised their eldest son from his wife’s first marriage, and the youngest was their common child,” says Igor Lyubitov. — The biological father was «dysfunctional». The boy was never told about him, and he considered the dad with whom he lives now.
The adoptive father treated him well. But the child felt out of place, especially after the birth of a younger brother. In the relation of the father to his sons, an invisible difference, determined biologically, was involuntarily felt. The boy decided that it was all about his shortcomings and, on the one hand, he was active, tried to do as much good as possible. On the other hand, he unconsciously began to punish himself for his «inconsistency»: he constantly got injured — either he would break his finger, then he would get hurt, or he would get a concussion. At this stage, the parents came to the psychologist.
They made a very difficult decision to tell the children the truth. The injuries stopped, but the reaction of the 11-year-old child was unexpected: “Now everything is clear to me. That’s lovely! I have two dads!”
It is especially difficult to keep secrets that are associated with violence, but revealing them is sometimes painful and not always safe for participants.
It is useful to reveal the secrets of patchwork families (the term of systemic family therapy), Igor Lyubitov believes. If a husband or wife has children from a previous relationship, then the current partner and children should be aware of this. As well as about all members of the family system. A relative in prison; a disabled child or an incompetent relative living in a special institution; or someone who got married against the will of their parents or cultural and religious traditions — all this, being hidden, locked up, according to Igor Lyubitov, turns into a «black hole»: it cannot be seen, but it even affects the light of stars passing by .
“More sensitive than the rest, the most flexible and dependent part of the family is children. They will certainly come up with an explanation that will affect their fate.” It is very important that close people reveal the secret — carefully and as early as possible. Otherwise, one day there will be a well-wisher in the face of a grandmother at the entrance, who will share the “truth”.
Quite often we are faced not with a secret, but with forgotten information. At group psychotherapy, the girl says that she is afraid of wearing makeup. She has a loving husband and three children. “We choose some outfit for me, a dress, a sexy skirt, earrings. But then I don’t wear it.»
Natalya Olifirovich clarifies: what feelings are associated with this? “Fear and horror permeate me: if I put this on and go out somewhere, something irreparable will happen.” They began to draw a genosociogram — a diagram of key events in the life of the clan. It turned out that the participant’s grandmother was a beauty. Her grandfather was pathologically jealous of her. Since the birth of his first child, he gave vent to his fists. And when my mother appeared — the fourth child — he beat my grandmother half to death, she never recovered and died two weeks later.
You can’t be beautiful, you can die from it — such a hidden emotional message that cannot be perceived on a conscious level was received by the client. It is especially difficult to keep secrets that involve violence — sexual or physical — but also revealing them is also sometimes painful and not always safe for participants.
Joker from the sleeve
Often a history of violence is kept for many years, but suddenly — for some reason — it becomes public. Recently, we have witnessed a phenomenon called the «Weinstein Effect» — after the producer Harvey Weinstein, who was accused of harassment by more than 40 actresses. Why were these women silent for so many years?
To heal the trauma in your soul, you can go to a psychologist, cry out and suffer it
“It is important to understand what motivated the loud statement,” says Igor Lyubitov. — For the crimes committed, the perpetrators must be punished if such acts do not have a statute of limitations. But, in my opinion, in public disclosures, justice and revenge are often mixed, and this is not useful for society, since it creates a precedent for the use of justice for personal gain. In fact, together with the public, I assume the functions of law and court. But this is a lynching. I choose to keep a secret for a while, sometimes becoming an accomplice, and then I take it out like a joker out of my sleeve. Revenge and justice of a loner are good for a superhero movie, but devastating for real people.
Often we are driven by the most primitive feelings and emotions: anger, rage, resentment … “Envy is usually aimed at destroying the reputation, relationships, image of the other — in order to take away what he has, for example, fame (“Then they will remember me too”). I think part of the campaign against Weinstein is caused precisely by envy and greed,” says Natalya Olifirovich.
Forcibly revealing a secret that binds two people is always a violation of boundaries, the psychotherapist is convinced. If one has a desire to keep a secret, then it would be logical to discuss this with each other. But instead, one chooses publicity that is destructive to the other.
Sometimes strangers are emotionally involved in a situation. “There is such a thing as the “halo effect,” adds Natalia Olifirovich. — If a person is considered good, then his unseemly actions will be called an accident. If he has a reputation for being a bad guy, even ordinary things will be interpreted as atrocities.»
On the wave of public revelations, those who remember some of their “terrible” stories and give them a new meaning will certainly appear: in the seventh grade, the teacher winked “sexually” at me and the like. This is how innocent people can get hurt.
Pandora’s Box
Before deciding whether to reveal a secret or not, it is worth weighing the pros and cons. “Hold your foot on the brake, ask yourself questions: who will be better off, who will be worse off, who will suffer, how long has the secret been kept and why, why do you want to open it?” — recommends Natalya Olifirovich. If we keep a secret about violence in youth for 40 years, then it is not necessary to go to the rapist — a grandfather with shaking hands, standing with one foot in the grave. To heal the trauma in your soul, you can go to a psychologist, cry out and suffer it.
It was not for nothing that in the old days everyone told the priest, without forcing the partner and children to take on the role of confessors
Some secrets must be revealed very carefully so as not to cause harm. When it comes to missed pregnancies, miscarriages, stillbirths, deaths, or medical abortions, it is vital for living siblings to be aware of the loss in the family system and be able to overcome the pain of that grief. It is important to choose the right time and words that are age appropriate.
Another thing is arbitrary abortions, Igor Lyubitov is convinced: “I’m not talking about the moral side of the issue, but about the biological one. Abortion is a decision that is traumatic in itself and is only made in a state of dissociation, when it is impossible to feel anything and remain adequate. By talking about abortion, parents run the risk of provoking the child to share responsibility for their decision.”
To what extent did they burn themselves out and are they able to remain in the parental position? In the practice of Igor Lyubitov, there was a case: a woman turned to him, who at the age of five, when asked by her mother if she wanted a brother or sister, answered “no”, after which the mother said: “Then I will have an abortion.” For many years, this woman was tormented by guilt, she avoided making any decisions, fearing that they would lead to tragedy.
Public self-disclosure can also be traumatic. The flash mob #I’m Not Afraid to Say with confessions in social networks about the violence experienced last year was received ambiguously by the psychological community. On the one hand, many, having got rid of their secret, received a long-awaited relief. On the other hand, the mass action warmed up those who were not yet ready to open up, but did it under the influence of impulse, and when they realized it, it was already too late — the confessions were published.
As a result, for some, both those who revealed and kept the secrets, secondary traumatization occurred, Igor Lyubitov is convinced. Before following the example of the stars, it makes sense to ask yourself: how accurate am I in assessing my strengths and possible consequences, am I ready to endure this?
“Any confession is a Pandora’s box,” warns Natalya Olifirovich. We do not know what is stored in it and what can be born. Probably, in our history there is something that is not necessary to share with loved ones. Sometimes we want to tell something, not because it is necessary for someone else to know, but because there is a need to ease our conscience. It was not for nothing that in the old days everyone told the priest, without forcing the partner — and even more so the children — to take on the role of a confessor. And if hiding a secret threatens the well-being of the family, then you should think about how to reveal it without harming anyone.