Family quarrels: how to stay together?

Know your pain points

What gets on your nerves and makes your heart beat faster? Your pain points may be related to past experiences, and your partner does not necessarily touch them on purpose.. Knowing this will allow you to better control yourself, rather than throw yourself on the defensive when your pain points have already been pressed.

If some topics are undesirable for you, you need to make sure that you do not touch them in a normal conversation.

1. Imagine yourself driving: no matter how smoothly the conversation rolls, it must be protected from too high speeds and follow the turns. Wouldn’t it ever occur to you to drop the steering wheel altogether? And this is very similar to what happens when we speak without thinking the first thing that comes to mind.

If it came to a showdown, look at yourself for a moment from the outside: are you covered by the only thought: “I’m right”?

Sometimes in a family quarrel it is more important to be kind than right.

2. Ask yourself: what I want to say or do now will help or hurt the situationthat needs to be corrected?

It seems to you that the partner wants to offend you by getting close to your sore spot, but he may not be aware of this.

3. Forget about him for a minute and think about yourself. Inhale-exhale. That’s the whole difference.

4.Ask yourself: what do I want to achieve as a result and what does my partner want? Perhaps it’s the same thing? Focus on it, not on winning the argument.

Understand that criticism does not solve the problem

Let me tell you one amazing thing: we are all very vulnerable, but sometimes men can also show weakness.

In the most intimate relationships, we draw so close to each other that we open up much more than to friends or even parents. This means that we are the easiest to hurt and offend.

Let’s be direct: criticism is completely useless as a method, means and way of life. If you have a critical mindset or you notice a tendency to scold yourself (even mentally), it is very likely that you will soon begin to criticize your partner as well.

If he gently laughs it off, don’t let yourself go any further. It’s common knowledge that after one critique, it takes five positive ones to offset the negative effect it has on a relationship.

Remember that your partner also has weaknesses

It doesn’t always come to mind. When you suffer, there is a reason for this, when your partner complains about something – he obviously finds fault with you.

When it comes to a fight, think about what you have in common even at this moment. You both absolutely want to be appreciated, loved, and do not want to be criticized, scolded and rejected. Here’s a hint for you on how to proceed.

Always remember that sand every complaint hides a desire for something to change, to become better. When conversations on the same topic occur several times in a row, this is an indicator that one of you cannot hear the other. Sometimes quarrels arise only in order to understand that you are being heard.

The words “I understand you” in this situation are not at all superfluous.

Do not accumulate anger

• This is an important life skill for yourself first and foremost, whether you are currently in a relationship or not: know how to calm yourself, restore your emotional balance and not relive hurtful words over and over again. You manage this yourself. And the second no less important is the ability to simply not sulk, the ability to take the first step towards reconciliation. How does it work in your couple? Someone needs to be hugged, and someone needs declarations of love (yes, for the thousandth time!). And this is not a concession, this is love.
• None of us are perfect. Sometimes we lose patience, we feel that we hate the whole world, or we are so tired that we are not up to politeness and kind words. But that’s the only thing that matters. That’s right: your calmness and self-control decide in your relationship sometimes even more than love..
• Know your weak points and don’t lose your temper just because someone accidentally hits them. To find out your weak points, ask yourself what you are afraid of and what angers you the most.
• If you feel like you’re losing control, don’t continue the conversation.
• Deal with the wounds and resentments that you had even before you met your partner.

• Learn to listen to your partner, not yourself. If he complains about something, try to see the real problem behind it, the way to solve it, and do not immediately jump on the defensive.
• Restrain immediate reactions, especially at critical moments. When you’ve been hit to the quick, take a deep breath in and out before you speak.
• Before you say harsh words, consider whether they will affect your relationship. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent.
• Express your thoughts in a way that shows that you are in control.
• Reconcile as soon as possible.
• Know that even without leaving the last word for yourself, you can be happy.