Family life without intimacy: how romantic asexuals live

Among the appeals to psychologists and letters from readers, quite often there are questions about partnerships or marital relationships in which there is love, but no sex. Someone asks what to do if one person in a couple wants sex, but the other does not. Someone is happy with everything, but the thought gnaws, is it normal if a lot of films and books in the mind have fixed the idea that it is unnatural to live without sex.

We understand that people can experience desire without love – sex can be anonymous, businesslike, manipulative, self-serving, and whatever else. But is physical attraction to a person necessary for romantic feelings to arise?

Even 10 years ago, sexologists would say yes, says psychology professor Ritch Savin-Williams. But the latest research confirms that this is not entirely true.

Asexuals are people who are not sexually attracted to anyone. It’s not a personal choice, like celibacy, and has nothing to do with orientation. For many, only relatively recently it has become part of self-identification; there are communities of such people on the Internet where they talk about themselves and can get support from those who understand them. They are all different, and many have families.

Revelation

Oleg

“I fell in love with my wife when we were 28 years old. I was still a virgin, but she was not. We dated for a long time, and Marina even called me old-fashioned because I didn’t drag her to bed. But in the end, everything happened for us, and it was very romantic, on vacation in the mountains. Then we started living together. I felt so good with her, falling in love turned into a deep serious feeling. But I didn’t want sex.

“There” everything works, the problems are not in health. I just really don’t need to. Marina was offended, took it personally. But I didn’t want her – I didn’t want sex. We have been living for 10 years, physical intimacy happens two or three times a year. Talk about this has long ceased, and I consider our marriage harmonious.

Marina

“Actually, we have good sex, Oleg is sensitive and caring. But everything so quickly moved into the “once every six months” phase – I did not understand what was the matter. It was very annoying. Angry, offended. But she was not ready to change and was not drawn to anyone else. In general, it is very difficult: to live with a loved one and not be able to fully be with him, to connect, to feel like a woman in closeness with a man. I tried to talk, but talking added more tension. And is it possible to persuade someone to want?!

In general, I began to read on this topic and came across a community of asexuals. I thought – probably Oleg is one of those. And then it’s not his decision, he was born that way. I can either accept it or walk away from it. But in all other respects we have a good relationship. He is calm, very balanced and accepts me with my character. I got used to this idea for six months, if not more.

I don’t know if I fully agree to these terms. The body adjusted, and physically I do not suffer from dissatisfaction. I even feel safe. From the very beginning, I knew for sure that the person loves me, and not just sees me as a sex object, as it happened with others before. But emotionally, I still want him!”

Research

A recent project by Amy Antonsen and her colleagues combined data from seven previous studies that surveyed more than 4 participants. Among those who identified themselves as asexual, almost 75% said they had romantic feelings for others but had no desire to have sex with them.

The respondents were divided into 2 groups: romantic asexuals and non-romantic asexuals. If the latter, in principle, did not feel the need for physical intimacy and rarely fell in love, then the former did not completely give up sex and were capable of love and deep affection.

Romantic asexuals could have children, have solitary sexual desires, engage in self-gratification, have fewer sexual dysfunctions, and have sexual fantasies. Thus, the study proved that romantic feelings arise even in the absence of a desire to make love.

Expert opinion

Gurgen Khachaturian, psychotherapist

I really like the saying of Sigmund Freud on this topic: “Only the complete absence of sex can be considered a sexual deviation, everything else is a matter of taste.” In my opinion, sexual desire is one of the basic functions of the body, and its absence rather indicates a dysfunction of one of the systems that are responsible for it.

But since relationships are built on many pillars, as long as the other aspects can compensate for the lack of sexual desire, everything may well work out. But one must be prepared for the fact that the second partner is likely to experience discomfort in such a relationship, and try to ensure that the lack of sexual desire does not lead to the development or strengthening of feelings of inferiority or a decrease in self-esteem. Here it is important to negotiate on the shore and speak honestly about yourself in order to protect your partner from possible emotional trauma.

Ksenia Kukoleva, psychologist

Infrequent sex does not necessarily mean there is a problem. What is more important is how the spouses feel about it. In addition, sexual relations are not only the sexual act itself, but also hugs, kisses, flirting, special gestures and words exchanged between partners. For a long time, sex was a taboo topic, so now, when they talk a lot and frankly about it, some conclude that if they don’t feel desire every day, then something is wrong with them. Everyone has their own temperament, which means that the need for lovemaking is different, and passionate regular sex is not always a guarantee of a happy union.