Contents
What makes a couple stable and what is missing in most Russian families
Have you seen or heard stories like this? Imagine a queue outside the office of some official. There are about 20 people sitting and everyone needs a single help. And then the secretary comes out and says that the official is no longer receiving today, and has just left. What a unity you will see among angry citizens who had not even cared about each other before!
Also in the family. Imagine: a couple, not the first year together, tired of family life. They tolerate each other, but in general they have not experienced great pleasure from communicating with each other for a long time — a lot of discontent, disagreements, and insults have accumulated. But suddenly something happened. For example, a child fell ill, and not just with a runny nose, but with something that required a long and difficult treatment. And parents unite in front of a common task — the child must be cured at all costs, and all disagreements, emotions (or their absence) go by the wayside.
What is the point here, what do these stories have in common? This secret is known by coaches and leaders of various groups, as well as good leaders.
Any team is effective and stable when united by a common goal that is close, understandable and shared by all members of the team. The family, of course, is also a team — of two or more people.
In our culture, the idea of consciously setting goals, and even more so family goals, is still exotic. But spontaneous goals are sometimes set themselves. The young family agreed that they want to have a baby. They switch to a healthy lifestyle, undergo the necessary examinations, cancel contraception, and study the literature on raising children. And — hurrah! — after a while, the baby is born safely. Everyone is happy, the goal is achieved! But what is it — several months pass and in many families a tortured, tired, irritated mother and the same tortured and angry dad are found — mutual understanding is declining, the unity of the spouses leaves much to be desired. There is no new goal, just a solid groundhog day. It is clear that they are still connected by love for each other and for the baby. But also the feeling of groundhog day, the expectation that “here he will grow up” — this does not add awareness of movement.
What is the purpose of setting a common goal?
— An association. People have a common idea, a common goal, and with it common plans. Immediately there is more quality time spent together — not for watching TV, but for interesting activities.
— Common interests, topics for conversation. Clients sometimes complain “we only talk about everyday life”, “we see in each other only the mother and father of our child, we forgot that we are also interesting, strong personalities with horizons and intellect.” If you have common goals, you will talk about topics that are interesting to you, you will see each other in an interesting new light — as people who are moving towards a result.
— «I am self-development, go to trainings, grow, but my wife (husband) remains the same, does not move” — a very popular request in the self-development environment. If you have agreed in which direction you are both striving, set goals in one general direction, both will have to develop at approximately the same speed. And with the support of each other, growth will be faster and more efficient.
— Having a common goal allows you to resolve disagreements based on this goal. You do not pull the blanket — I want one, and you want another. «I want» goes by the wayside. When there is a strong common goal, the question is different — how will it be more effective?
— Together with unnecessary disagreements on the basis of «I want» unnecessary emotions fade into the background. The goal is about the mind, you have to correlate your impulses with reality.
— Reduces or disappears the feeling of groundhog day. Moving towards a goal makes every day a small (or not so small) step towards it. You see progress, rejoice in it together, congratulate each other, overcome common difficulties — life is more fulfilling and interesting.
What are the common goals, besides the generally accepted mortgages, the birth of a child, the education of children?
- In sports. Do you dance together? Jogging? Are you into fitness? Set goals — participation in competitions, some kind of joint distance. At the same time, you will get additional motivation — it’s more pleasant to work together and there are fewer reasons to be lazy!
- For finance. Earn for a year together such and such amount. At the same time, it is not the contribution of everyone that is important, but the total amount: even if the wife is a housewife, she can help her husband, organize his affairs, inspire him, etc.
- By relationship. To be together and experience joy from it. Or «365 sunny days a year» — not a day in a quarrel and a bad mood. Or by such and such a date to be from each other in the same delight as on the first date)
- For self-development. Read for two and discuss such and such a number of new (quality) books. Learn to understand painting, classical music, history or whatever interests you. Learn to sing, draw, dance tango. Master the technique of managing emotions, mastery of communication, get good training in relationships, business or confidence.
- For any valueclose to both of you. Travel — visit such and such countries together. Religion is to perform such and such an obedience, a rite. A healthy lifestyle is to develop a diet that suits you and stick to it for a whole year (or for how long you set a goal).
Before the new year is the time to discuss what happened over the past year, dream about what will happen in the future and set goals. General — for your family.