“Marriage is a long conversation punctuated by arguments,” writer Robert Stevenson once said. This metaphor describes the relationship crises that every couple faces sooner or later. Is it possible to avoid difficult periods? And what do you do when they come?
The bad news is that crisis periods cannot be avoided, the good news is that they do not need to be avoided. Having survived the difficulties, the couple goes to a new level of relationship, discovering new ways to be happy together.
Crisis of the first year
The first year of marriage is a very important time. The period when partners get to know each other not in the atmosphere of romantic dates, but in the routine atmosphere of everyday life — as they say, «without cuts», «grind», adapt to each other’s habits.
It is in the first year that roles and rules are distributed in a pair. Will the budget be joint or separate? Who will cook? Does everyone clean up after themselves or will there be a general cleaning once a week? In the summer, weed the garden with your mother or the two of you at the sea? On these and many other issues, it is easiest for two to agree during the first year.
«Brushed your teeth — close the tube!»
In the first months of family life, romance still occupies the main place in relationships, but plays an ambiguous role. Because of her, partners often turn a blind eye to unacceptable everyday habits, fearing to offend their loved one.
The main recommendation in the first year of marriage will be frank communication with a partner.
The husband does not close the tube of pasta, as in the famous song, and the wife pretends not to notice — this is such nonsense, «the main thing is that the person is good.» But closing your eyes does not mean resigning. And irritation, smoothed out by romance in the first year of family life, will accumulate and will certainly fall on a partner during the very first crisis period.
Therefore, the main recommendation in the first year of marriage will be frank communication with a partner. Don’t just talk about what makes you happy. Feel free to point out what doesn’t suit you or annoys you — even if it’s small things. If you accumulate negative emotions for many months and one day decide to express everything to your loved one, he may not hear and understand you: for so long there were no complaints, everything was fine, and then suddenly at one moment it stopped?
First child crisis
The birth of a child is not only a great happiness, but also a test for relationships. Especially when it comes to the first baby: now the spouses need to master new parental roles for them. The baby makes fundamental changes in the family’s way of life: the daily routine, leisure opportunities change, there is less time for each other.
The crisis is experienced more difficult if the couple did not have time to live together before the birth of the child: you have to simultaneously master not only the roles of parents, but also get used to each other, establish a life, establish rules.
The main advice at this stage is not to forget about the role of spouses, plunging into parental roles. Understanding and mutual assistance should form the basis of relationships.
Talk, do not be afraid to get to know each other again, you can expect many pleasant surprises
Remember that the difficulties of the first months with the baby will quickly pass and be forgotten. But everything that you said or did not say, did or did not do for a partner will leave a noticeable imprint on your relationship.
Crisis 7-9 years, or «transition from closeness to distance»
Life is adjusted, the children in the family have grown up. It would seem that it is time for stability. On the one hand, stability as the absence of stress has a positive effect on relationships. But on the other hand, significant time spent side by side relaxes partners. The feeling that you know your spouse inside and out dulls the desire to give your loved one as much attention as at the beginning of a relationship. If this period is prolonged, and the spouses do not bring something new into it from the inside, do not try to “refresh” the relationship, then the distance in the couple gradually increases. There is a risk of waking up one day and seeing a stranger nearby.
If during this period the children go to school, the spouses also have to adapt to the new rules and procedures dictated by society. This can both further distance and bring closer.
The main recommendation is not to forget about time only for each other. Do you really think that your spouse is still the same person as before? Talk, do not be afraid to get to know each other again, you can expect many pleasant surprises.
Crisis 15 years old or a teenager in the family
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the children themselves, but for the whole family. And if the difference between the children is small and several teenagers appear in the house at the same time? The hormonal storm, expressed in emotional swings, teenage nihilism, problems at school and in relationships with peers, simply cannot but affect parents.
The level of anxiety in the family rises, and it seems that everyone is only concerned with the problems of a teenager. At this stage, it is important to separate the problems regarding the relationship in a couple and a teenager. In the next conflict with your spouse, try to stop for a second and think: why are we arguing now? Maybe I’m just worried about my son or daughter? We were all teenagers. Your children will also grow up, leaving the difficult period of growing up behind.
Empty nest crisis or second honeymoon?
The children grew up and began independent lives. The house was empty, the couple were left alone. This period is called a crisis because the partners will have to look each other in the eye and honestly answer difficult questions: after so many years of living together, are we still interesting to each other? Will we find common activities now that the questions of children, which have occupied us for many years, have faded into the background? What will we do when we’re alone?
Each crisis not only tests the relationship, but also brings the two together.
Spouses, for whom raising children for many years served as a screen behind which unresolved problems and grievances accumulated, will face them face to face. Will it be possible to find answers to questions that have not risen to the surface for so many years? And most importantly, will the two have a desire to look for these answers?
Couples interested in moving on together will be able to overcome this crisis. And then the freed time, freedom from obligations to children will open up new opportunities for spouses.
Maybe it will be joint dance classes, or long trips, or moving to a dream country. A new life stage will easily turn into a second «honeymoon» for those who want it.
If you feel that you are “stuck” with a partner in one of the crisis periods, you need to look back and see how your couple lived through difficult stages in the past. Did you have enough time to get to know each other before having children? Was there enough support and understanding when you became parents? Have you managed to maintain common interests after many years of living together?
Each crisis not only tests the relationship, but also brings the two together. And if you have the desire to be happy together, everything is in your hands.