family constitution

Preamble

Our family is our world and our small state. Our Constitution is the main rules of our state. Our rules are not directed against anyone, but in the name of protecting the interests of each family member. They protect everyone and benefit everyone.

Family is work. And since this is our favorite work, we treat it with soul, joy and responsibility. If we are fully adequate at work, we can be the same in the family. When we need to be reminded of this, we say: “Working format!”, After which we take care of ourselves, as at work. If we do not understand how to solve a difficult question, we remember how such questions are solved in the treasure trove of common sense — in smart business.

Territory rule

Everything that happens in the family is divided into three territories: my personal territory, your personal territory and our common territory. With a natural consequence: on my territory I am the master, on yours you are the master, on the common territory we are obliged to agree on all issues.

At the same time, my territory is mine and self-service. Personal territory is a part of life for which you are responsible and which you cope with without straining the rest of the family members more than what was agreed upon. On his personal territory, each person takes the responsibility to solve all his problems on his own. To the extent that your decisions and your life begin to unduly strain other family members, to the extent that all this ceases to be your personal territory and becomes a common territory.

If a child has got himself a hamster, and the parents have to clean up after him, the fate of the hamster is no longer decided by the child, but by all family members. If a husband begins to drink in his personal time, this already concerns his wife, and the question becomes a general one. If the wife began to lead a lifestyle that makes her lose her physical attractiveness, the question of her nutrition and what time she goes to bed also becomes a common issue.

Territory Rules in the I+Z Family and the WE Family

In the I+I family, everyone has their own territory. The only thing we have in common is what we specifically agreed on. In the WE family, we have everything in common. Our separate territories — only where we specifically decided it. But then try on these families the following rules:

Family Me+Me? Here, on my personal territory, I am the master, I solve any issue as I want.

Whether I study or watch TV is none of your business. A mess or not in my room — I decide, it does not concern you. These children are mine — so don’t bother with your instructions on how I should educate them.

But if this is your personal territory, then none of your problems bother me, decide everything yourself. I don’t owe you anything, don’t count on me.

Did you say it’s your daughter? Then why are you asking me for help?

And if you interfere with me and climb into my territory, I have the right to give you an answer.

Dear child, if you do not clean up after yourself from the common table, I will no longer let you in at the common table!

And if before you the relationship is not I + I, but the WE family? There are completely different rules here. Here we have everything in common, we always help each other, but each new step must be coordinated with a partner. You decided something without agreeing on it with your partner — you are a violator of the rules of the family, and you were — wrong!

Making decisions

Decision making in the family is governed by rules. The first question for correct decisions is: “Whose question is this? Whose territory is this? If this is my territory, I decide the issue. Your territory, the decision is yours.

What to eat for the husband — the husband decides, and what is in the purse of the wife — the husband does not concern. This is her territory! But where we will go to rest is a common question, here we need to negotiate. What will be your territory in our family, what will be mine, what will be our common territory, also needs to be negotiated, but as soon as you decide on this, the bulk of the disagreements go away, it becomes surprisingly easy to resolve issues.

If the issue is common, then not a single issue can be resolved individually on a common territory: we solve common issues together.

As for children, they participate in the discussion in proportion to their contribution to the family and the ability to conduct a reasoned discussion. If this is not enough, they obey adults, and do not command them their desires.

Opening discussion

Whatever feelings anyone has, the discussion follows the rules, and the first rule is: “Don’t make noise, we sort everything out calmly and in order. One question per discussion. Until the issue is resolved, no other issues are discussed.

If you need to raise a new question, warn your partner about it and decide: you close the old question (on what?) or postpone it (for how long?).

Everything is always discussed on the common territory, not a single topic can be closed as painful. However, we do not raise difficult, unpleasant and painful topics “just like that”, “by the way”. Reproaches and accusations are prohibited. We raise sensitive issues only on the case and only for constructive discussion.

Anyone who notices a source of danger in a discussion (dangerous topic, problematic intonation, bad timing or environment) and carefully warns the other side about it deserves thanks. Whoever then insisted on continuing the discussion is fully responsible for the problems that follow.

If the head of the family did not close the dangerous topic and the discussion turned into a quarrel, only the head of the family is to blame for the quarrel. If the head of the family was not obeyed, the issue of responsibility is dealt with separately.

How is the discussion

All issues are resolved only calmly, only with reasonable arguments and without emotional pressure. So:

We follow intonations: we speak calmly, softly and thoughtfully. We each express our vision, listen to each other and look for options for the best solution for both of us. We don’t push, we think. If someone got carried away, began to put pressure, speak sharply, harshly, categorically — it’s more correct to stop and correct the situation (ask: “Speak softer, please!”), But do not continue the discussion in this style.

We look at the situation neutrally, from the outside. It is easier to negotiate if we talk about positions not “my position” and “your position” (“I want” — “you want”), but use neutral formulations “Position No. 1” and “Position No. 2”. Just different views, no matter whose, and we analyze their pros and cons. And even better, if there are not two positions, but three or more, then it will be easier to choose the optimal solution.

We agreed on a time. If someone wants to postpone the discussion, he is obliged to indicate a reasonable time when the discussion will take place.

There is no categoricalness, privileges, emotions and difficult feelings. Without the permission of the other side, pressure, begging, categorically declaring, getting upset, etc., is not allowed in the discussion. Categoricalness is disrespect for the opinion of a partner, so we remove it. There are no privileges in honest negotiations, only logic. We remove resentment and any other unnecessary emotions.

Forceful arguments “Because I am a man!” Are not accepted from a man, a woman cannot crush tears and insults, referring to her feminine nature. References to intuition, fears, premonitions and «any other decision will cause me inner discomfort» are not accepted. Also, the conversations “Take me as I am” are not accepted: this is only legal on personal territory.

We don’t get carried away, we don’t interrupt and let ourselves be interrupted. We speak to the point and briefly: they said their opinion — ask your partner: “What do you think?”.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Talking about the past, we agree on the future. The best solution is the one that builds the best future for us. Understanding the past is pointless in itself, it can be done only if and in such a way as to reasonably agree on the future.

The issue must be resolved. Until the issue is resolved, no other issues are discussed. However, if it is not possible to agree, the issue is decided by the head of the family with his authority. See details →

family responsibilities

Each member of the family has their own responsibilities to the family. When distributing family responsibilities, we take into account who knows what better, what he wants more and what is more useful for whom. In the family, WE have more responsibilities for those who can do more. In the family, I + I have the one who is more interested in relationships. Whoever invests more in the family has more rights in the family.

Negativity and punishment in family communication

Negativity in family communication is under special control, and is allowed only in specified situations and in a specified form. The norm of life in the family is joy and respect, everyone must cope with their bad mood. Reproaches, accusations and abuse are not ours. Negativity is serious, big and for no reason — it is forbidden, even if it is not directed at anyone personally. If something can be said without being negative, it is correct to say it without being negative.

You can react to negativity with negativity, but only in the format of responding to violations of family agreements. Agreements are the basis of family relations, and until it is proven that someone has violated the agreements, he remains good and loved in any situation. No matter how a person let you down and no matter how bad it is for you, if there were no agreements, there is no one to blame.

However, if you violated something, you were warned, but you did not react, do not be offended. It is possible to apply the agreed sanctions to the violator.

If the agreements are broken, you can demand that they be respected. If demands do not help, but punishment can help, you can punish. It is not the one who swears who is to blame, but the one who does not fulfill what was agreed upon. But before punishment, warning and negotiations are obligatory, and punishment is not revenge, but concern for relationships, actions in the name of future compliance with agreements. Reasonable people discuss sanctions for certain violations in advance. The one who must be punished can himself propose those sanctions that will be clear and effective to him. If there is disagreement about punishments, the head of the family decides.

Relationship tension

If there is tension in a relationship, the guilty person is responsible for it (and for the elimination of the problems that have arisen) — the one who violated the rules and thereby caused tension in the relationship. If one, then one. If both, then both.

​The right to pause: you can not solve the situation within 1 hour. Further, how many hours there is inaction, for so many hours the guilty person is punished: either with a socially useful hardship for the benefit of the family or deprivation of food. In the WE family, there is a more serious sanction — it is the victim who deprives himself of food.

The guilty person should offer to talk, indicating that the solution of this issue has the highest priority for him. The specific time of the conversation is determined by the victim, and in this case there are no penalties.

Anyone who assumes that he is guilty may not really understand what exactly he violated. This is fine. But it is wrong if he simply asks “what did I violate”: he must formulate a prepared question, he must work hard, think and put forward assumptions where and in what he was wrong. Orientation — three assumptions.

When it became clear what was violated, the violator (remember that often in a conflict situation both are violators, each in his own way) must apologize (ask for forgiveness), formulate conclusions and put forward options for solving the situation that has arisen and possible situations for the future. It is very good if he thinks over sanctions for himself, so that such mistakes will not be repeated in the future.

older and younger family

On the territory of the younger family, representatives of the older family respect the rules of the younger family and do not push their opinions in any form. In the territory of the older family, its rules are similarly respected. If someone has forgotten, they do not immediately run into him: at first, a mild warning.

They don’t argue with the owner on someone else’s territory: you can ask respectful questions and discuss it while the owner likes it and is interested. At the same time, if I didn’t mind on someone else’s territory, this does not mean that I agree with this. I just did not mind, and on their territory they have the right to live in their own way.

Who has priority in neutral territory? If the older and younger families have agreed on neutrality, the younger family has priority in neutral territory: the older family respects its rules. If the parties have chosen to be friends, in neutral territory, the eldest family has priority as elders. See details →