Family conflict: is it possible to come to an agreement after many years?

Nicole Prieur: In fact, these relationships are not set by nature, they develop over time. Unlike the relationship with our father and mother, to whom we owe, among other things, the fact that they gave us life, in the relationship between brothers and sisters there is no idea of ​​a gift. Here the feeling of kinship does not arise by itself, it is formed gradually, under parental influence. Children compete for the love of their parents: each wants to receive no less than the other. In these relationships, there is a constant calculation: how much attention, sweets, gifts someone got … This is due to the fact that for an older child, the appearance of a brother or sister turns into an experience of loss – he ceases to be the center of attention of his parents and the object of their exclusive love. The younger also feels a lack: he is not destined to experience feelings of his exclusivity at all. The most important thing here is to learn to share parental love with each other. However, when we share, we experience a sense of deprivation, and this is not easy. Little children are afraid that they might suddenly disappear! After all, their existence seems to be confirmed by the attention of their parents. If the child turns away from them and turns his gaze to his brother or sister, he is afraid that he will be sent back to the void.

What role do parents play in these relationships?

NP: Very important, one might even say fundamental. It is the parental word, the parental law, that establishes the “prohibition of murder” – the elimination of a brother or sister whom the child perceives as a “hindrance”. Without this, aggressive impulses could become uncontrollable. By the way, many children would like the new child who appeared in the house to disappear. Who hasn’t heard the elder’s remarks about how he would like to throw the baby in the trash can or suck him in with a vacuum cleaner? By the way, the biblical myth of Cain and Abel tells precisely about this hidden fraternal violence: only when God intervenes and punishes Cain for the death of Abel, Cain realizes his guilt. Until then, he was indifferent to his brother: it did not matter to him whether he lived or died. But by virtue of the declared law – “thou shalt not kill” – he realizes the importance of respect for another person. By agreeing to “move over,” to make room for a brother or sister, we can build a deep bond with them based on mutual understanding, support, and appreciation for each other. Everyone can feel the richness of these relationships. This is the only family bond that lasts a lifetime (unless an accident intervenes). Parents leave sooner or later, marriages often break up, and we remain brothers or sisters until the end of our days.

And what happens to relationships that were so difficult to start as adults?

NP: Growing up, we develop, change, everyone follows their own path, and sometimes these paths diverge. During this period, children move away from each other. Their parents continue to keep in touch with them through holidays, family gatherings for birthdays and other important dates. Even when brothers and sisters meet each other with joyful feelings, I often notice how alive inside them are the experiences and resentments of past years: one word, look, gesture – and all this floats to the surface. Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said that suffering comes from what didn’t happen. So in this unconscious calculation, everything that did not come true remains and turns into a heavy burden. What is repressed returns when the parents grow old, that is, when the generations change places in relation to each other, when the parents become weaker. Often it is during this period that children resume presenting accounts to each other. “My brother does not take care of his mother, he sees her at best once a year, and she only talks about him”, “I help my father, but he gives money to my sister” … And when parents die, there is a large-scale return of the repressed. Then comes the time to settle accounts: we want to demand compensation for what we did not receive from our parents.