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In many families, siblings don’t get along very well with each other. However, the family therapist convinces, as we grow older, we can overcome long-standing conflicts and finally begin to get real joy from communicating with loved ones.
Psychologies: Why is there so much conflict between siblings?
Nicole Prieur: In fact, these relationships are not set by nature, they develop over time. Unlike the relationship with our father and mother, to whom we owe, among other things, the fact that they gave us life, in the relationship between brothers and sisters there is no idea of a gift. Here the feeling of kinship does not arise by itself, it is formed gradually, under parental influence. Children compete for the love of their parents: each wants to receive no less than the other. In these relationships, there is a constant calculation: how much attention, sweets, gifts someone got … This is due to the fact that for an older child, the appearance of a brother or sister turns into an experience of loss – he ceases to be the center of attention of his parents and the object of their exclusive love. The younger also feels a lack: he is not destined to experience feelings of his exclusivity at all. The most important thing here is to learn to share parental love with each other. However, when we share, we experience a sense of deprivation, and this is not easy. Little children are afraid that they might suddenly disappear! After all, their existence seems to be confirmed by the attention of their parents. If the child turns away from them and turns his gaze to his brother or sister, he is afraid that he will be sent back to the void.
Read more:
- “I was so ashamed of my parents…”
Are you saying that the birth of a brother or sister causes not only jealousy, that the reaction of an older child can reach existential anxiety?
NP: Yes, it happens that it comes to this. And besides, dissatisfaction with oneself is mixed with the feeling of anxiety: the child does not like that he is experiencing aggression directed at another – a brother or sister. Relationships between siblings are complex, and that’s what makes them interesting.
What role do parents play in these relationships?
NP: Very important, one might even say fundamental. It is the parental word, the parental law, that establishes the “prohibition of murder” – the elimination of a brother or sister whom the child perceives as a “hindrance”. Without this, aggressive impulses could become uncontrollable. By the way, many children would like the new child who appeared in the house to disappear. Who hasn’t heard the elder’s remarks about how he would like to throw the baby in the trash can or suck him in with a vacuum cleaner? By the way, the biblical myth of Cain and Abel tells precisely about this hidden fraternal violence: only when God intervenes and punishes Cain for the death of Abel, Cain realizes his guilt. Until then, he was indifferent to his brother: it did not matter to him whether he lived or died. But by virtue of the declared law – “thou shalt not kill” – he realizes the importance of respect for another person. By agreeing to “move over,” to make room for a brother or sister, we can build a deep bond with them based on mutual understanding, support, and appreciation for each other. Everyone can feel the richness of these relationships. This is the only family bond that lasts a lifetime (unless an accident intervenes). Parents leave sooner or later, marriages often break up, and we remain brothers or sisters until the end of our days.
And what happens to relationships that were so difficult to start as adults?
NP: Growing up, we develop, change, everyone follows their own path, and sometimes these paths diverge. During this period, children move away from each other. Their parents continue to keep in touch with them through holidays, family gatherings for birthdays and other important dates. Even when brothers and sisters meet each other with joyful feelings, I often notice how alive inside them are the experiences and resentments of past years: one word, look, gesture – and all this floats to the surface. Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said that suffering comes from what didn’t happen. So in this unconscious calculation, everything that did not come true remains and turns into a heavy burden. What is repressed returns when the parents grow old, that is, when the generations change places in relation to each other, when the parents become weaker. Often it is during this period that children resume presenting accounts to each other. “My brother does not take care of his mother, he sees her at best once a year, and she only talks about him”, “I help my father, but he gives money to my sister” … And when parents die, there is a large-scale return of the repressed. Then comes the time to settle accounts: we want to demand compensation for what we did not receive from our parents.
Read more:
- “How to protect yourself in conflict”: training
Isn’t that why inheritance so often becomes a subject of conflict?
NP: Yes, we are not fighting for cupboards and silver spoons per se, but for their symbolic value. The object we want is a way to claim a refund: I receive an inheritance for what I did not receive during the life of my parents, I try to win a place that I did not have. Or, on the contrary, I am desperately protecting the place that I want to keep. Everyone will interpret what they received as a gift or by will: “I received only this, which means that my brother really was loved more than me.” Inheritance is the perfect battleground to try and eliminate a rival when parents are no longer around and can’t stand up for family harmony.
“We have a lot of fun together”
Arina, 17 years old
“With the advent of Marusya, the house became so much fun! You can always rage, run, play… Remember your childhood: after all, when she was born, we had completely stopped playing! And it’s also very nice that she is always happy when we come: she meets us, hugs us … She wants to always be with us. When I put her to bed, I first make her cocoa, then I read. And if she indulges, I strictly tell her this: “You need to sleep!” Sometimes she is offended if we are not at home for a long time. We come, and she shows her tongue, goes to her room and does not speak for two hours … It’s so great that we have Marusya! I can’t even believe that she was never with us.”
“I will always help her”
Daria, 17 years old
“I calmly reacted to the news that Arina and I would soon have a sister. Although we were already thirteen and life seemed so settled … Masha treats me like a sister, and this is normal – I want it to be like that in the future. So that she can come and talk about her problems, ask for help, for example, with lessons or boys. Sometimes I look at her and think: how nice it would be if she became the same as us! Of course, I’m scared that she will grow up and not be like us, but I understand that this is her life and she will choose for herself what she should be.
Recorded by Elena Shevchenko
Is it possible to get rid of this rivalry and establish peace in the relationship?
NP: Of course you can, fortunately! I have often seen siblings who have had bad or strained relationships grow closer as they age. This evolution of brotherly love – after all, it is about love – goes through important stages. To become an adult, we must come to terms with the fact that our parents did not give us more than they could. Accept and admit that they are not omnipotent gods (as they were for us in childhood), but people like us, and they have their own limit of possibilities. This change in the way we look at our parents also forces us to change our idea of our place in the family. In addition, let’s not forget to demand from ourselves what we want to pass on to our children: we suffer when they argue or fight. So it makes sense to take a closer look at how we live today with our brothers and sisters, because this is the lesson we pass on to our children. Unpaid bills are passed on to the next generation, whether we talk about them or not.
Read more:
- Brothers and sisters: why so much enmity?
So how can we get our relationship with our brothers and sisters off the ground?
NP: We need to ask ourselves a question about this connection, which is not as simple as it seems. What meaning does it have for me? What is important in it and what is not? What place in my life do I want to allocate to this relationship? In adulthood, maintaining a good relationship with a brother or sister, we follow our own, deliberate choice – parents can no longer influence this and ensure family unity. At the same time, it is important to be realistic: if we cannot spend three days together so as not to quarrel, as in childhood, then we will be content with two days off, during which everyone can keep a smile on their face.
But it’s not always easy…
NP: Yes, but it’s worth it! Of course, there are families in which there is no need for special reflections on this subject, where brothers and sisters easily adapt to each other as necessary. This connection includes us in the family history, attaches to the roots. We share memories, and this gives us a sense of permanence and that precious sense of the continuity of our existence, which helps to withstand the anxieties generated by the vicissitudes of life. In addition, when we try to maintain and connect with a sister or brother, it trains us to recognize the otherness of the other person. Part of that experience is learning not to focus too much on yourself. Philosopher Emmanuel Levinas calls us to do just that, in fact, when he writes: “We divide the world among ourselves from the moment we begin to look at it through the eyes of another.”*
* E. Levinas “The Way to the Other” (Publishing house of St. Petersburg State University, 2006).