Income and expenses are one of the most difficult topics to discuss: many of us are reluctant to share this information with partners, and often avoid talking about it at all. Why? And how dangerous is this for a relationship?
“I couldn’t help but buy this dress! I’ve been looking at it for a long time, and then a sale, the price is half as much. But I didn’t tell my husband: I don’t want to look like a rag-maker in his eyes, ”admits 26-year-old student Elena.
“Six months ago, my partner lost his job, and at the same time I received a pay raise. I didn’t say anything, I was afraid that this contrast would completely demoralize him,” says 31-year-old Valentina, a purchasing manager.
“Of course, I do not tell my wife about income. She knows how much she will get for the household, that’s enough!” – says 45-year-old businessman Valery.
Many of us do not consider it necessary to devote loved ones to our financial affairs. Why?
“We try to preserve the image in the eyes of a partner or freedom, we avoid possible conflicts or questions and comments that are uncomfortable for us,” says Nadezhda Rumanova, a Gestalt therapist. “In addition, everyone has attitudes that we want to comply with, for the sake of them we sometimes dissemble, keep silent, and do not consider this a lie.”
Ideological legacy
The traditional model of “the husband is the breadwinner, the wife is the keeper of the hearth” was effective for the survival of the family for centuries, until it changed in the twentieth century. Women went to work, their financial independence increased.
But the old model is in no hurry to disappear from public consciousness. “We somehow settle down, trying to adapt it to ourselves, come up with additions like “husband is the head, wife is the neck”: the man seems to be in charge, but it is the woman who decides what to spend the money on,” notes Nadezhda Rumanova.
We are also influenced by the financial attitudes inherited from our parents. They may be different. “Even in families where both spouses earn money, one often turns out to be a miser and the other a spender,” assures family therapist Madanes Klu, author of The Secret Power of Money.
It is not uncommon: one of the spouses wants to accumulate funds for the future, the other sees no reason today to deprive himself of joys for the sake of benefits that are still in question. And the partners are faced with a dilemma: to argue, risking a quarrel, or to allow themselves and others to dispose of personal income, as everyone sees fit.
But silence can become uncomfortable, especially when it comes to general spending. Who will pay for the housing? What school will the children go to? And then the only solution is to find a compromise. “For successful planning of the family budget, taking into account the personal characteristics of partners is even more important than making financial calculations,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist.
Non-obvious connections
Money is a marker of the distribution of power in a couple. But the one who earns more does not always have more of it. The wife, “taking away” her husband’s salary, has become a character of our national folklore. The costs in this case are not hidden, but often they are not brought up for discussion. But incomes, especially in excess of those expected, the recipient may wish to leave for their own use.
But any secret implies the possibility of exposure. And this, in turn, gives rise to anxiety and even fear of the one who hides something, against the one who can convict him of this. This is where the tension in the relationship begins.
Is it possible to predict how strong the relationship is if we know that spouses often conflict? “No, this is not an indicator,” Nadezhda Rumanova is convinced. – Relationships are stable, although the participants experience unpleasant feelings. There are couples where they fight every other day and live together.”
What happens in the relationship of spouses about money is connected with other aspects of their lives.
“When a husband and wife cheat on each other in a sexual sense, they often cheat on a partner in the sense of money. If a parent sexually abuses a child, financial crimes are often committed in such a family, says Madanes Klu. “Money and sex are intertwined.” This is not a causal relationship, but a manifestation of a general pattern.
“Any single case is just a case,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist Nadezhda Rumanova. “But when it comes to constant behavior, it is inscribed in the larger model of the couple that the partners adhere to. Problems appear simultaneously in several areas. Also, if partners consider transparency in relationships as a value, they talk more about any topic, they have no need for secrets and manipulations. Then financial issues are discussed as needed.”
But that doesn’t mean they have to have a shared budget or talk about every purchase.
Achieve transparency
“We have been married for 30 years, since our student days, and all this time we have separate money. The financial situation has changed: I once earned more, now I have health problems, I work from home, says Irina, 52, a dressmaker and former PR director. My husband is now paying for repairs. And when they bought an apartment 20 years ago, my contribution was much larger. I heard that spouses should have a common fund, but our happiness has never been hindered by the fact that we felt independent.
Do not look into each other’s pocket – this, according to Irina, is the definition of trust. “If the partners have agreed on how they manage their finances, and both are satisfied with these agreements, then this is an indicator of successful communication,” says Nadezhda Rumanova. “But specific decisions can be different: someone allocates resources for common needs, someone decides according to the situation.”
Some even set aside a special “financial” day for talking about these topics. No matter how different our beliefs, habits, ways of earning and spending may be, we can tell each other about them, reflect on our experiences and create models that are suitable for our couple.