Family at a psychotherapist’s appointment

First session

I have 22-year-old Denis and members of his family at my appointment.

The young man’s affairs are unimportant: heroin, suicidal behavior, problems with the law … His sister, 25-year-old Alisa, a juvenile inspector, convinced her parents and older brother, 27-year-old Roman, to come to a family therapist for a consultation. The father and elder brother run the family business and believe that they are “wasting time trying to save Denis” in vain. The mother and sister, on the other hand, are pinning their hopes on psychotherapy and want to understand how their family «got to this point.» Apparently, Denis recently took a dose and therefore watches the conversation from a distance. He says that everything suits him: he can stop taking drugs when he wants, and there is no reason to fence the garden. At the end of the session, he indifferently accepts the invitation to the next meeting. His brother and father are angry at the thought of a new session, and the women are disappointed: «nothing happened.» They all think that Denis is the problem: they take offense at him, not realizing the key role he plays in the family. The trouble he gives them is the strongest force that unites them.

• For teenagers, parental authority is very important.

Second session

Denis stole a credit card from his mother. She admits that

this is not the first time. The father growls that this time will be the last, then let «this drug addict» get out on his own. Roman thinks it’s better to let his brother go to the bottom so that he can then float to the top. Alice raises her voice and reproaches her father that he never took care of either her or Denis, but only cared about Roman, the heir to the business. The father defends himself and loses his temper. The mother recalls that this has always been the case in their family: the eldest son inherits the family business, and the youngest goes his own way. Roman defends his father: their firm is open to anyone who wants to work there. Alice chuckles. The mother mentions her father-in-law’s brother — a «traveler», her brother-in-law — a «free artist», and Denis, who does not know where to go, because neither father nor brother will give him his place. Everyone turns to the interested person, who looks at them with an absent look. Denis is the catalyst for the life of a family in which every generation had its own scapegoat. The family united around him, saving everyone from thinking about their place and about the possibility of getting out of the imposed role. No one, except for the mother, thinks about how to forgive Denis, or at least find an excuse for him …

• “Drug addiction is an adaptation to the environment. To a bad environment»

Third session

The mother explains how worried she is. Her father interrupts her:

Denis came to this because of her. She indulged him in everything, hid him behind her skirts. Alice objects: if the father was more involved in their upbringing, the mother would not have to make up for anything. Roman comes to the defense of his father, which infuriates Alice: he is, of course, an ideal son, but what does he do for the family? And what was he like an older brother for her and Denis? The mother is crying, Alice is crying, the father is rolling his eyes, Roman no longer knows what to say, Denis is looking at everyone aloofly … Such is the exchange of accusations: the father is offended by the mother that she took care of the youngest son, the daughter is offended by the father, the older brother is offended by the mother that she opposes her father, and her brother and sister for disappointing him. Denis still doesn’t say anything.

Fourth session

The father offers to hospitalize his son. Mother against.

Categorically. Parents are getting louder. I ask Denis to sit between them and put one hand on one, the other on the other. The mother throws her husband: “How do you want Denis to cope if you refuse to forgive him for his mistakes? I forgave you so much … «He answers her:» Yes, everyone knows that you are a saint, and I am a bastard. At my request, my father explains that he had an affair that caused a crisis in their marriage. In the end, his wife decided to forgive him. “How you forgave your father,” he concludes bitterly. The eyes of the children are turned to the mother: they obviously do not understand this hint. The mother says that her father fell ill, and she managed to convince him to settle next to them. “He quickly agreed,” notes the father. “And you have a short memory …” Alice asks her father what he means, he replies that it does not matter, and falls silent. The situation finally began to move forward. By simply placing Denis between father and mother, I started the springs of their marriage. Having raised the issue of forgiveness, the parents entered the space of dialogue and reflection, where there is a chance to see the picture not in black and white.

• Now sex is everywhere, but teenagers still don’t know anything about it

• Are parents always to blame?

Fifth session

From the very beginning, Alice asks her father to explain the hints

about their maternal grandfather. He turns to his wife, she averts her eyes, but he still decides. He tells the children how their mother, when he met her, was the victim of an authoritarian father, and he had to fight to «pull her out of the clutches of this type.» The sons listen in amazement, Alice is indignant: “You can’t talk about grandfather like that!” “You can’t imagine. He was terrible,” says the father. Roman asks for an explanation. The mother begins: indeed, it was “not easy” with the father, the relationship was “difficult”. And only thanks to their father, she was able to free herself from his domination. For the first time Denis participates in the conversation. The perspective changes: before the eyes of the children, a new version of their mother’s childhood is born and a new image of their father — her savior, not her enemy. Suddenly, the father’s betrayal, which happened when the mother became close to her own father, appears in a new light. After all, who betrayed whom? Who should forgive whom?

Sixth session

The session is led by Alice. She insists that her parents

talked about how they met. Mother speaks of love at first sight. About her father’s persistent and secret courtship, about how he planned to kidnap her. Denis asks his father: “Are you in trouble, right?” He perks up, talking about his crazy love for the girl he wanted to protect. Alice asks her father to say a little about his own father, about his explorer uncle, about his artist brother, about the family business: “Have you ever wanted to do something else?” He does not speak directly, but makes it clear that his father and uncle were not close, almost like he was with his brother, that he would like to become an architect, but the business took him. His wife looks at him with a mixture of tenderness and irritation: «Your father would never forgive if you left the family business.» The situation is becoming clear: the relationship of parents with their parents, which they avoid thinking about, affects their relationship with each other and with children. Now everyone can get out of the «family mess» to explore their relationship in a new light.

• How to build a relationship with a teenager

Seventh session

Denis, apparently, for the first time came to the session not stoned.

His mother says he’s feeling better, his father nods with a half smile. She reveals that she has found a housekeeper for her father and will no longer go to him every day. Roman is happily preparing for the wedding. For the first time, he talks a little about himself and his feelings. Alice is considering going abroad for two or three years. Denis calmly listens to them, from time to time inserts a replica. He says he feels better, talks about his training plans.

Their conversations have become smooth: peace reigns in the family. The therapy brought new nuances to the family history and allowed everyone to get out of the role that was imposed on him. Denis no longer needs to be a source of trouble for his parents to stay together. Alice no longer needs to be offended by her father and protect her mother and younger brother from him. Roman can calmly accept his desire to become his father’s heir. And the parents have revised their relationship with their parents, they can no longer ask themselves: “What to do with Denis?”, “Who is to blame for his problems?”, And find each other again.

Denis and his family came to see me a few more times. When we decided that therapy was over, he was completely preoccupied with worrying about his prospects in a peaceful family. Forgiveness is at the core of all family relationships: the story of this family shows how the emergence of new shades in family history brings about a flood of salutary changes. By forgiving our parents, whether they are “perfect bastards” or just imperfect people, we allow ourselves to give up the idea that they are responsible for everything. We take upon ourselves the freedom to no longer be the result of their choice and take responsibility for our own destiny.

For privacy reasons, names and some personal details have been changed.