Taking care of yourself is not only pleasant little things like massages and manicures. Sometimes it’s about staying at home when you’re sick, remembering to clean up, doing the necessary things on time. Sometimes sit down and listen to yourself. Psychologist Jamie Stacks talks about why you need to do this.
I work with women who suffer from anxiety disorders, are under constant stress, are in codependent relationships, and have experienced traumatic events. Every day I hear five to ten stories of women who don’t take care of themselves, put the well-being of others before their own, and feel they are unworthy of even the simplest self-care.
Often this is because they have been taught this in the past. Often they continue to suggest this to themselves and hear such words from others.
When I talk about taking care of myself, I mean what is necessary for survival: sleep, food. It’s amazing how many women and men don’t get enough sleep, are undernourished, or eat unhealthy food, yet still care about others all day long. Most often they end up in my office when they are unable to care for others. They are bad, they are not capable of anything.
Sometimes they still try to continue living and working as if nothing had happened, because of this they begin to make more mistakes that can be avoided by providing themselves with minimal care.
Why don’t we take care of ourselves? Often this is due to the belief that we have no right to do something for ourselves.
Why don’t strong and smart women take care of themselves at all? Often this is due to their internal beliefs about whether they have the right to do something for themselves.
“This is selfishness. I would be a bad mother. I need more than my family. No one but me will do the laundry and wash the dishes. I have no time. I have to take care of them. I have four children. My mother is sick.»
What are internal beliefs? These are what we consider to be truths beyond doubt. What we were taught by our parents, who were taught by our grandparents, and so for many generations. This is the stern voice of the mother that you heard in childhood (or maybe you still hear). These beliefs come into play when we realize we’ve made a mistake. When we feel good, they manifest through self-sabotage.
Many look like this: “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve… I’m a bad loser. I will never be as good as… I am unworthy (unworthy) of more.”
When these inner beliefs manifest in us, we usually feel that we should do more for others, take more or better care of them. This maintains a vicious cycle: we care for others while ignoring our own needs. What if you try something else?
What if the next time you hear the inner voice of negative beliefs, you don’t listen? Notice, acknowledge their existence, and take some time to figure out what they want or need.
Like this:
“Hey, you, the inner voice that inspires me that I am a fool (k). I hear you. Why do you keep coming back? Why do you always follow me whenever something happens to me? What do you need?»
Then listen.
Or more gently:
“I hear you, the voice that always criticizes me. When you do that, I feel… What can we do to get along with each other?”
Listen again.
Connect with your inner child and take care of him like your real children
Most often, core beliefs are those parts of you that failed to get what they needed. You have learned so well to drive your unfulfilled desires and needs inward that you have stopped trying to fulfill or satisfy them. Even when no one bothered you, you did not hear their call.
What if you look at self-care as a story of self-love? A story about how to connect with your inner child and take care of him like your real children. Do you force your kids to skip lunch so they can do more chores or homework? Yell at co-workers if they’re at home because of the flu? If your sister tells you that she needs to take a break from caring for your seriously ill mother, will you scold her for it? No.
An exercise. For a few days, treat yourself the way you would treat a child or a friend. Be kind to yourself, listen and hear and take care of yourself.