At the beginning of a relationship, feelings are overwhelmed, butterflies flutter in the stomach, and the world is seen in rainbow colors. But this wonderful period is not as simple as it seems. Falling in love separates us from reality and prevents us from noticing red flags in our partner’s behavior. Psychologist Alexandra Biletskaya tells what emotional traps to be wary of.
“Often at the beginning of a relationship, when fragments of memories of a partner flash in our heads and dreams of a cloudless future together creep in, we fly away into fantasies and turn away from reality,” explains Gestalt therapist Alexandra Biletskaya. — Indeed, at the first time of acquaintance, it is common for people to see a partner in part, and in part to complete his image to the ideal. In this case, there is a high probability of starting an affair with your own fantasies. But the more in the image of a partner of our dreams, the stronger the disappointment in the end.
Once I heard: “A bird and a fish can love each other, but where will they live?” It’s about choosing a partner for a long-term relationship is important not only with the heart, but also with the mind.»
To do this, it is important to know yourself: what are your values, life guidelines, temperament, habits. It will be easier to decide who might suit you if you take the time to look closely at your partner, try to get to know and understand him. Is the creation of a relationship relevant for him now, what does he expect from a relationship? Do your values match, do you share the same views on money matters or parenting? Do you fit into the rhythm and lifestyle of each other? Is the partner able to meet halfway?
It is often easier to let go of a person than to dream about them. It is important not to initially tie your fantasies to a new partner. If you want to dream, dream. At the same time, try to capture the essence of these thoughts by asking yourself what desires and needs are reflected in them. Then figure out if you can achieve what you want with this person.
“During the period of falling in love, it is easy to fall into the trap of your desires and emotions. Especially if the partner accurately guesses all your needs that have not been satisfied for a long time, that is, you experienced “hunger”. Usually, a person who promises to give what you need is endowed with super value and high significance. But it is important not to lose that part of the truth that you may not like something in him or his behavior from the first date, Biletskaya warns. — Working with clients and analyzing the history of unsuccessful relationships, each time we come to the point where it becomes obvious that already at the very beginning of our acquaintance there were certain “bells”. But people often brushed them aside and moved on.
It is important not to lose awareness. If your imagination begins to paint the perfect image, ask yourself what you don’t like right now. Not to avoid meeting the other, but to preserve the objectivity of perception. The ability to notice in a partner not only pleasant, but also repulsive features allows you to form his holistic image. Relationships built on the basis of knowledge about each other and the perception of real characteristics are more durable and strong.
In fairness, it must be said that there are couples that converge very quickly and remain with each other. But there are definitely fewer of them than those who eventually break up just as quickly. In each case, it is important to rely on yourself, your own characteristics: someone is able to instantly orient himself, someone needs time, someone knows exactly what he is looking for, someone often doubts.
“If we suppress feelings for some time or, on the contrary, “cook” in negative emotions, then the appearance of something new that can wake us from hibernation literally plunges us into a state of euphoria,” says Biletskaya. — Undoubtedly, a pleasant experience: it is as if we are again beginning to take in air with a full chest after a long delay in breathing.
When there are too many feelings, people lose the voice of reason and the true perception of reality. To slightly reduce the intensity of emotions, it is useful to listen to your body, to the sensations that arise in it. In a state of euphoria, as in stress, we can begin to breathe shallowly and intermittently. It is important to return to calm deep breathing: the exhalation should last twice as long. You can count up to 2 on the inhale and up to 4 on the exhale.
You need to know that behind strong joy lies its opposite — pain, which arises, for example, due to the fact that it was not possible to get what was needed earlier. Behind the desire to get closer to the other and interest in him is the fear that hopes will not come true. Behind the delight is irritation that the partner does not give everything that we need.
Not a single person in this world can fully satisfy our needs. Even mother didn’t always guess what we needed when we were small. If she guessed, then she did not always have the opportunity to give it. And there can be a lot of pain hidden here: when we most needed something, we didn’t get it and we never will. It is also important to get in touch with this pain and live it a little. It helps to regulate emotions and return to reality.