Failed to save the marriage, but I do not regret that I tried for so long

I did not want a divorce and did everything to save my family. Many met my position with bewilderment. After all, looking from the side, it is so easy to throw: “Why do you live with a man who no longer wants to be with you?”

I am convinced that our family was worth not giving up. I didn’t manage to save it, but if I went back in time, I would have done the same. And there are reasons for this.

Feelings of children

I tried to protect the children from the trauma that a divorce would inevitably inflict on them, tried to maintain their daily communication with their father. I did not want to show by my own example that one should grab the easiest option and give up the fight.

Love for husband

I loved him, and it seemed to me that he loved me. We overcame problems, we had conflicts, but I believed: my husband is a friend who is always on my side. And although he could upset me, in the depths of my soul I felt that we would cope with any difficulties. For a long time I was sure that he was going through an internal crisis and I, as a loving person, should help him.

Life

I valued our traditions: relations with common relatives and friends, invitations to visit, joint feasts. All this brought me joy. I perfectly understood that, having parted, we would forever lose an important part of our life. And she was right: as soon as we divorced, most of our relatives stopped talking.

General plans

Everything that we dreamed about and aspired to as a couple was destroyed by divorce. The house that we built, the countries we were going to, the common family business that we wanted to open. We will not be able to work together with the grandchildren that one day our children will give us. Many dreams now seem naive, but I believed in them. It still hurts me that they will never come true.

New family

Even dry statistics show that first marriages end in divorce less often than second ones. If we destroy the family, the hope that we will be happy in a new relationship is low. After the divorce, I decided not to get married again. My ex-husband remarried a few years later and only confirmed the statistics – their union broke up.

Too often people, faced with difficulties in family life, immediately file for divorce. I believe that you should never give up without a fight. And although our relationship ended forever, I still believe that if there is no domestic violence in the family, it is worth making efforts to save it.

“To live the emotions that a breakup causes is very difficult. It’s easier to turn them into a fight.”

Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist

The heroine refers to the statistics of divorces, and emotionally this is very significant – she ignores happy examples. This is seen as disappointment and pain.

Does she manage to face her feelings face to face? It seems that this is not so, in her story there is a lot of fixation on the past – how good it was there. And it is not at all clear whether there is something good in the new circumstances.

In therapy, it is important to give place both to what is forever lost with divorce and to what remains after the loss. Only by realizing how much good we learned from old relationships can we build new ones. Sometimes a good parting is not the end, but the beginning of a certain stage in communication with an ex-spouse. Both can become happy separately.

For children, this experience is far from always traumatic. It’s a frustration, yes, but it’s not a tragedy if adults are able to disperse while maintaining respect for each other. Children will not necessarily inherit the experience of divorce, but they will remember their mother’s pain very well.

Not to run away from difficulties, to fight for the family – such a position commands respect, but the motives of the heroine are not entirely clear. Probably, saving the family by any means, she sought to show the children that they were dear to her.

And now the heroine needs to admit her feelings: and regret, and powerlessness to change anything, and anger, and sadness. Living through the emotions that a breakup causes is very difficult. It’s easier to turn them into a fight. And in order to finally acknowledge and let go of the past, you may need the help of a professional and the support of loved ones.