What kind of woman is considered attractive? Self-confident, feminine, sexy, soft, understanding, energetic – modern women’s magazines can suggest hundreds of epithets. And often we go against ourselves to meet the requirements. The transformation happens imperceptibly, and pretense very quickly becomes a habit.
In response to demands for women to be slim, fit, with large breasts and narrow hips, the body positivity movement has emerged. One can argue about it, but the fact remains: there are those who like to meet the standards, and there are girls who are ready to defend their lifestyle, appearance and beauty outside the box. And what about the inner world?
Character traits are also subject to standardization: men want to see feminine, sensitive, gentle, at the same time sexy and self-confident ladies next to them. And we, girls, are very often ready to “tweak” our internal settings, to go against ourselves in order to please. Simulate those qualities that we think are important to our chosen one.
If at the beginning of a relationship such steps can be appreciated, then in a long-term relationship, this is an obvious path to failure. Wearing a mask all your life is not the most comfortable state, and men should not be underestimated: any pretense sooner or later becomes obvious.
Today I would like to talk about the two most obvious “improvements” that we most often see in girlfriends, and maybe we catch ourselves on them. And how to find true self-confidence and femininity instead of imitation.
Stupidity and helplessness instead of femininity
Perhaps among your girlfriends there are girls who are always late, constantly losing something, unable to navigate and call a taxi, suffer from cold and high heels – and they need male help literally at every turn. In gentlemen, such a strategy, as a rule, causes a desire to be closer, to care and protect.
I have a friend, an actress from St. Petersburg, who has mastered the art of helplessness to perfection. She replaced with them her natural feeling of femininity, which, it should be noted, she already has – she is beautiful, attractive, and what is there – dazzling.
Once we were leaving a party together, and I noticed that, contrary to expectations, she knows Moscow very well, can call a taxi, knows the prices for it, soberly assesses the distance and travel time. I could not resist and asked why she imitates childish spontaneity and helplessness. And do you know what she said? “I’m used to it.”
We all play roles, but it is also vital for us to regularly return to the true “I”
As it turned out, she herself is no longer very comfortable living inside a girl once invented. In her youth, lacking self-confidence and the necessary strength to advance in the difficult acting profession, she created this image. And then he became so familiar that now it is difficult to make out where she is and where is the infantile alter ego that controls the style of communication.
This causes a constant internal conflict – the need to play takes away a lot of strength and sooner or later leads to a break in relations. On a first date, of course, it’s nice for a man to feel like a hero, just by borrowing a jacket. But at the next meetings there is a need for deeper communication, for more thorough recognition. And it is blocked in the usual way, which is scary to refuse.
An exercise
We all play roles, but it is vital for us to regularly return to the true “I”. The practice of meditation helps to feel what I really am. This is not some kind of mystical search for oneself, but a very simple and understandable exercise: the search for inner silence – turning off the inner monologue.
It is there, in silence, that it becomes objectively clear what the true “I” is, what needs, desires, and mood it has. The more we play—and we play a lot and enjoy the game—the more important it is to regularly check in with our true identity. I propose to master the basic skill of meditation, which is borrowed from the ancient Taoist practice of Shen Jen Gong.
The entire exercise should take no more than three minutes. Sit upright – on a chair or on the floor with your legs crossed. The back is straight, the lower back and abdomen are relaxed. Focus your attention within. And focus on two factors:
- Count your breaths without speeding up or slowing down your breath, just watch it flow.
- Relax the lower jaw and tongue – when we think, the speech system automatically tenses up, about to speak far-fetched. This relationship also works in the opposite direction: by relaxing the tongue, we slow down the internal monologue.
Set an alarm on your phone for exactly three minutes. And as soon as it rings, finish the exercise. The trick is to stop, even if you really liked the new state and want to continue. Leave this hunger, this desire for tomorrow. Your task is to perform the exercise daily, at least for three minutes.
Gradually, the time of classes can increase to 10-12 minutes. According to research, 12 minutes of meditation a day is enough to reduce stress levels, improve brain cognition, and, among other things, balance your sense of self, find your true freedom, attractiveness and femininity.
Aggression instead of self-confidence
Another program glitch that happens unconsciously and starts to quickly scare off potential fans. But, despite this, it is not so easy to deal with him. You may have met such girls who, in a female company, communicate in a friendly and cheerful way, but as soon as an attractive gentleman appears on the horizon, they begin to exude poison and correct the placement of stress in words. Has it happened?
The reason lies in the same social request: a woman must be self-confident. How to do this if true confidence is not enough? Be as cheerful, energetic and tough as possible. Sounds like confidence? Quite! But it’s scary.
Such bouts of strange, unjustified aggression against the men they like can also suffer from fully established women – confident in their professional skills, highly qualified specialists, but not yet fully convinced of their femininity and attractiveness. What to do in this case?
Exercises
1. Breathing practices
They help to accumulate strength against the background of relaxation, make the body, and hence the character, more flexible, relaxed, free. One of these exercises can be done independently. It will be partly related to the previous one.
The position is the same: sitting with a straight back, the stomach and lower back are relaxed. Feel for the state of silence that you have already learned, and add deeper, freer belly breathing to it. When you inhale, it expands by itself, and when you exhale, it deflates like a balloon. Place your palm on the lower abdomen and track this movement: if a slight warmth begins to be felt under the palm, then you are doing the exercise correctly.
2. Friendly communication
It won’t be easy at first, but it will quickly become a habit. Going on a date, plan to treat a man like a girlfriend – treat him with the same sympathy, understanding and support.
Turn on empathy – and you will see that he, too, is worried, that rapprochement is also not easy for him. Look into it the way you look into the eyes of your friends. And this will give rise to a completely new, warmer and more nourishing style of communication.