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Social media is playing an increasingly important role in our lives. Here we get to know each other, communicate, tell about ourselves… Don’t we trust the Internet too much?
Seeing other people’s photos and posting your own, following the news of friends and gaining followers – social networks offer more and more pleasures … which it is increasingly difficult for us to refuse. Here we open ourselves to the views of others and expect recognition from them – but can we still preserve our personal space?
For the past three days she has not been able to finish the important work. But this morning, avoiding the questioning look of the boss, he hides behind the computer and plunges into the Facebook news feed. Analysis of drug market trends will have to wait. “I know it’s not good, but I do it automatically,” explains 30-year-old Katerina. – I come to the office, turn on the computer and first of all check what’s new happened while I was out of access. I stopped drinking coffee with colleagues: I don’t want to hang out for a long time. Of course, I have already heard a hundred times that I lead a fake life, that virtual communication will not replace real … So what if I really like it!
Social networks today are a separate big world. “The first to come there were fans of online games, young people, those who have always been on the “you” with the Internet,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “But now people of any age, any views, beliefs and interests communicate in social networks.” Teenagers have chosen VKontakte: every minute they upload new photos, network jokes, anecdotes to the tape … and count the “hearts”, which, as a sign of approval, are left by their numerous friends and subscribers. Media (and not so) people are frank on Twitter, putting their statements in 140 printed characters. Photo lovers meet on Instagram: they post pictures after passing them through different filters and create entire collections of their work*. And how not to remember Odnoklassniki, the Russian launch pad into the big world of Facebook! Or other services for sharing and communication: business LinkedIn, private Google+, growing Pinterest. Every day there are more and more users of social networks. We follow the lives of others, receive the latest news, publish photo and video reports about everything that is happening to us here and now, in the hope that all these touching details may be of interest to someone. Or very interesting.
Read more:
- “Friend” on Facebook: add or reject?
I watch and show
We live surrounded by countless images…and we love it. After all, it was visual contact that once allowed us to realize the very fact of our existence. The classic of psychoanalysis, Jacques Lacan, called this phase of development the “mirror stage”: the child is shown his reflection – “Look, it’s you!” – and he laughs, rejoices, recognizing himself for the first time. “Another mirror for the child is the (ideally loving, accepting) maternal gaze,” says psycho-analytical psychotherapist Elena Ratner. “What he sees reflected in her eyes gives meaning to his actions and experiences.”
From childhood comes our desire to see what happens in the lives of others. “At three years old, a child understands that he is not the center of the universe, that his parents have their own life, and he has a natural curiosity: what are they doing? Elena Ratner explains. “He tries to look into someone else’s life – to peep – and gets excited about it.” Actually, a good half of those registered in social networks are engaged in spying on the lives of others. In addition, each of us has the opposite desire: to show ourselves to others in the most attractive light. And then – harvest “likes”.
To be loved
“We all need such “strokes,” confirms Inna Shifanova. – We want to be liked, to be interesting, we expect something good to be said to us. And all these “likes” and “hearts” are evidence of the attention of other people, their recognition, which, as we (unconsciously) hope, will help get rid of teenage complexes or that criticism that we remember from childhood.” If someone benevolently observes our ordinary life and rejoices with us, everyday life ceases to be so ordinary. “Like” is like an encouraging smile of parents for a child: “Mom, dad, look how I can!”
When we present ourselves to others, do we know what we are actually showing them?
“The popularity of social networks is also explained by the fact that they partly solve the problem of loneliness,” continues Inna Shifanova. “Here it is easier for us to find our reference group, our like-minded people, to create a world in which it will be comfortable, interesting and not scary to express our opinion: they will hear it.” Networking expert Michael Dulworth** clarifies that sincere human relationships are important here too: “Those who feel close and sympathetic to you will be much more willing to spend their time on you, share information, and fulfill your requests. Show genuine interest in others, and then your relationships on the Web will be worth something.
Assess Your Addiction to Facebook
The questionnaire, called the Bergen Facebook Addiction Scale, follows the same principle as tests to determine addiction to smoking, alcohol or work.
Here are six statements. You need to rate each of them on a five-point scale: 1 – very rarely, 2 – rarely, 3 – sometimes, 4 – often, 5 – very often.
- You spend a lot of time thinking about what’s happening on Facebook, or carefully planning all your actions.
- You feel an irresistible desire to use Facebook more and more often.
- You go to Facebook to forget about the problems in your life.
- You have already tried to visit Facebook less often, but to no avail.
- You worry and get angry if you are banned from using Facebook.
- You use Facebook so heavily that it’s bad for your work or school.
If you answered “often” or “very often” four times or more, you may have a social media addiction. Learn more about the Bergen Addiction Scale at uib.no/news/nyheter/2011/06/addicted-to-facebook or take the quiz (in English) at theoatmeal.com/quiz/facebook_addict
Make an impression
Pleasure is based on the feeling that we have something good, explained Jacques Lacan. Social media provides us with this opportunity: we enjoy having flattering images of ourselves, and by putting them on display, we get the feeling of possessing those who look at them. That is why we carefully choose what we show to others.
“The views of others are especially important for a person with low self-esteem: without such a kind of nourishment, it is difficult for him to feel his value,” comments Elena Ratner. – He will involuntarily strive to create a beautiful “facade” for himself, wanting to get away from disturbing feelings – envy (“I am worthless because I don’t have what others have”) and shame (“I am worthless because I could not achieve anything ‘)’.
Trying to show ourselves in the best light, we not only seduce others, but also fall into self-delusion: it seems that the more others love us, the more we will like ourselves. However, the need for love, experts remind, cannot be satiated by any number of “likes”, “friends”, “followers” and subscribers. “The image carefully created for others is too fragile: even if 40 people report that they like it, one critical review will be enough to shake it,” notes Elena Ratner.
Jeopardy
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In social networks, we present not ourselves, but the idea we have created about ourselves, we try to look not as we really are, but as we would like to be. “Often, it only seems to us that we are open, but in fact we are moving away from our true “I”, trying to give others what they expect from us and are looking for in us,” says Inna Shifanova. – Someone flirts so much that he ceases to understand himself. We play and do not know the limits of our game, especially since on the Web – as we think – it is difficult to convict us of something.
Read more:
- The art of being online
But how many quarrels, “bans” and partings (not virtual, but quite real) happened due to careless actions, “Freudian slips” or misunderstood statuses? It seems that in the social network we are able to control everything, but this is only an illusion. “When presenting ourselves to others, we are far from always aware of what exactly we are actually showing,” reflects Michael Dalworth. – Who among us can be absolutely sure that he knows himself completely, to the end? And it’s even more difficult to vouch for how others will perceive us.”
In a word, when communicating on social networks, it is worth remembering that some of the important information about the life of our friends is not there at all. And if we have questions, doubts, vague guesses, it is better to contact a friend directly. And one more thing: opening up to the views of others, we open the way to our personal space. And it’s better not to lose its borders, so as not to lose yourself in the pursuit of pictures, images, reposts, well-aimed comments and jokes … In a word, a game.
* The first exhibition of InstaArt photographs will be held in Moscow, in the exhibition hall of the Vauxhall Center, from September 20 to October 20, 2013. Read more at art-vokzal.ru
** Author of the book “Social Networks: Operation Manual” (Kind Book, 2010).