In order to inspire respect in others, we first need to respect ourselves. And this means evaluating yourself soberly, not too low and not too high. Unfortunately, complexes and fears hidden since childhood often distort our self-esteem.
Modern society is experiencing an epidemic of narcissism. More and more people are not inclined to take others into account, so it is very difficult to defend ourselves, to make our voice heard. And for those who do not fit into the standards – too fat, old, poor – it is doubly difficult: after all, it is not easy for them to recognize their own worth. Faced with humiliation from a relative, colleague or bystander, someone who is not self-confident in advance will remain silent or begin to demand respect clumsily or aggressively … At the heart of the inability to “force ourselves to respect” are our deepest fears – not to be liked, to look ridiculous, funny . Because of them, we sometimes silently endure offensive remarks or live with a partner who allows himself rudeness and insults.
Depreciation begins in childhood
Difficulties with self-assertion first arise in early childhood, when our “I” and self-esteem are formed. A lack of self-confidence can have many causes. For example, a child identifies with the parent who is humiliated by the other parent. Or he feels that adults are constantly unhappy with him. “Self-respect is directly related to the attitude of other people towards us,” says psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elina Zimina. – The child compares his behavior with what, in his opinion, his parents would like to see him. This is how a system of internal values, requirements for oneself and self-encouragement is formed. There is no miracle recipe for children to realize their own worth. “There are no magic words that will be enough for a child to respect himself,” warns Elina Zimina. – Respect implies, first of all, an understanding of the individuality of another person. To respect a child means to recognize the fact that he may have his own feelings, thoughts, desires, which do not necessarily coincide with the parent’s. However, there are phrases that can predetermine his whole life: “Nothing will come of you”, “You will never achieve anything” … Therefore, they are categorically unacceptable in communicating with a child.
Lack of boundaries makes it difficult to know yourself
The maximum favored nation regime can also lead to undesirable results. If you constantly tell a child how wonderful he is, life can be very hard to bring him back to reality. “Of course, you should not indulge children in everything,” says Elina Zimina. – Unlike adults, it is difficult for them to say “no” to their desires, to put them off for a while. They are governed by the pleasure principle, not by the reality principle. Therefore, parents partly take on regulatory functions.
RESPECT IS CONTINUOUS: BY STANDING FOR THE DIGNITY OF OTHERS, WE ARE GROWING IN THE EYES OF OTHERS.
A child left to its own impulses does not learn independence, self-respect, or self-love. On the contrary, he runs the risk of falling into extremes – from megalomania to very low self-esteem, never knowing himself for real and not learning to respect himself. There are a growing number of teenagers who are unable to endure even the slightest restriction. Often, for example, they are not able to part with their mobile phone even for a short time – even in order to focus on preparing for the exam. Or, on the contrary, they cannot go to school at all – they are so scared and unable to find their place in the class. If politeness can be learned, then respect for this, alas, cannot be said. But the good news is that respect is contagious. For example, by standing up for a person who has been treated unfairly before our eyes, we thereby arouse greater respect for ourselves. By showing respect for others, we begin to respect ourselves more. And this is the best way to adequate self-esteem.