Parents broke up, entered into new unions, but continue to maintain relationships and raise children, forming a large family clan. In theory, this is great: everyone communicates and is friends, and the children have a “double set” of relatives. In fact, passions boil in such families. We understand how the modern family is looking for itself.
An extended, “complex” family is becoming a commonplace before our eyes, but we have not yet come up with a colloquial word for it. There is only a scientific name — a binuclear family, that is, a family with two «cores» (in contrast to the nuclear family, consisting of mother, father and children). There are no exact data on the number of such families in Russia, and so far only indirect information can be used, for example, that in our country the share of second and subsequent marriages in the total number of registered unions is about 30%1. And the proportion of teenagers raised by stepfathers has risen from 1990% to 8% since the mid-14s.2.
Psychologists talk about binuclear families cautiously. “Building relationships in such a family is not easy,” states Serge Hefez, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst. “Sometimes it’s a cracker with a (unpleasant) surprise,” says psychotherapist Christophe Fauré. Or even a ticking time bomb. “Such families look pretty in films and TV shows,” says transactional analyst Ekaterina Ignatova. “In life, successful options are much rarer.” At the same time, one cannot but agree with family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova when she says: “Whether we like it or not, the phenomenon exists, and we will have to deal with it.” And consultations of psychotherapists can be useful for such a family.
“His children, my children, his money, mine and ours, his ex, my ex, my personal space, his family…” To combine all this, you need to be a talented juggler
It is also difficult to talk about such clans and find out points of tension because they do not resemble one another in composition. Sometimes this is a combination of two families, like Alexandra, 42 years old, and her peer Pavel, each of whom already had two children in their first marriage. And, for example, for 33-year-old Vera and 30-year-old Timothy, marriage was the first. She was a single mother, he had a daughter from a girlfriend, and now they have a child together. The composition of the family of 39-year-old Natalya is even more complicated: she has two children from two previous marriages and a third from her current husband, 49-year-old Philip, who already has an adult daughter from his first wife.
“His children, my children, his money, mine and ours, his ex, my ex, my personal space, his family…” To combine all this, you need to be a talented juggler.
Unhealed wounds
The main danger that threatens the well-being of large families is, as you might guess, their past. “Problems happen when one of the former spouses could not survive the divorce, continues to experience anger or depression,” explains Inna Khamitova. “Among relatives, support groups of one side or the other arise, and everyone is drawn into the conflict.”
“Relations in such families are often very confusing, because the former spouses did not resolve some problems in their (formally ended) relationship,” Ekaterina Ignatova agrees. The man feels guilty that he abandoned the child, the woman is jealous of her ex-husband for his new partner … “When the insults are forgiven and there are no more claims to each other, the thought that the ex-spouse has a new life, a new partner, children, does not hurt. And relations may well be, if not friendly, then smooth and calm,” adds Inna Khamitova.
New and old parents
In different versions of «big families» each child has its own unique story and a different number of parental figures. Some adults are present in the child’s life all the time, others are around only on weekends and holidays. Who will spend the New Year holidays with the child? How to distribute rooms between children: by consanguinity, by gender? Who pays for what? Who cooks when? “At the very beginning, there were so many questions that my head was spinning,” Natalya admits.
Disagreements constantly arise about education, plans, time that should be spent with native and step-children. And then there is this painful feeling of being invaded: by other people’s children, with whom we spend more time than with our own. “Timofey’s daughter Varya comes to us after school every day, and I have to do homework with her. Communication with teachers, parent meetings are also on me. Varia’s mother has no time to take care of the child, Timofey is worried, but he is too busy. So I had to take over everything. To be honest, I do it through force, and besides, the girl is very spoiled, it’s hard for me to get along with her, ”complains Vera.
One of the biggest problems in such families is the establishment of boundaries, says Ekaterina Ignatova. “A stepmother, for example, is not required to raise her husband’s child. This is her good will — to meet her wishes and engage in education or look for another solution — to find a tutor, a nanny. She must take care of her boundaries and not do what she does not want. And this, by the way, is only for the benefit of the child. With such a confusing family configuration, it can be difficult for him to figure out: where is my family, where is someone else’s, who is in what relationship with whom? “Therefore, it is an important experience for children to see adults in front of them who know how to defend their boundaries,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist.
Brothers and sisters
The appearance of stepbrothers and sisters in their lives can be painful for a child, and parents should also remember this. “In addition to his stepfather or stepmother, he also receives new siblings with whom he does not have a common history,” notes Inna Khamitova. “It can exacerbate the rivalry that is inherent in sibling relationships in general. And here it is important that parents do not compare children and try to pay attention to everyone.
“It is a big mistake to expect that children will certainly fall in love with each other,” adds Ekaterina Ignatova. “They must abide by the rules of the hostel and respect the other simply because they live together. The task of parents is to help children build, albeit formal, but respectful relationships.
One way out: talk
Sometimes «reconstituted» families set themselves the task of proving that «this time» they will succeed, and even sometimes pretend to be happy. Difficulties worth discussing are hushed up. Conflicts, meanwhile, can be life-saving—but they are carefully avoided, as if they herald the failure of a relationship.
In a “complex” family, nothing happens by itself, everything is subject to discussion: the place of each, the duties of parents in relation to their children and the children of a partner, way of life, help to the former. There is no other way but to talk and negotiate, experts say. And the contract is not a dogma! If it stopped working, then it is necessary to review it and agree on the rules again.
Creating a new family after a breakup or divorce is hard work. But it’s worth it. “If several family systems are able to adapt and interact, then this is a good model,” says Ekaterina Ignatova. “Children observe different types of behavior, they see that it is possible to go through difficulties and live happily,” continues Inna Khamitova. “And when they grow up, they will have many close people, a large support system.”
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While the binuclear family is experiencing growing pains, says Serge Efez. Passionate about studying new types of family, he is convinced that all of them will take shape and become stable over time, although now they “function” intermittently. The public consciousness still perceives the nuclear family as an absolute model. This stereotype puts a child in a difficult position, experiencing a divorce of parents and the emergence of new partners with mother and father.
“Or, on the contrary, you can present him with a family that has developed as a result of remarriages as potential wealth — a network of adults that complement each other, in which everyone can give him something,” convinces Serge Efez. To do this, adults, having mourned their first family and got rid of regrets about it, must themselves come to this conclusion.
Over time, members of binuclear families realize that it was an incomparable adventure, during which they improved their parenting skills in communicating with different children, developed their creative abilities, successfully coped with an unusual family team, and strengthened relationships as a couple. Pavel, Alexandra’s husband, says he feels proud when the whole clan gathers at the same table: “It was not easy, it is impossible to achieve perfection here. But there is so much life in it!”
1 According to the Institute of Demography of the National Research University Higher School of Economics. See hse.ru/demo for more details.
2. See T. Gurko’s article «The Family and Parenthood in Russia Against the Background of Post-Industrial Societies» on the website of the Institute of Sociology of the Russian Academy of Sciences isras.ru.