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“I was humiliated throughout the entire period of psychotherapy”
42-year-old Irina from Moscow completely trusted her psychologist, shared with him her experiences, secrets and doubts. But once a specialist brutally humiliated our heroine in the company of people whom she respected. This happened at a group session, where the specialist herself invited Irina. After that, the psychologist shifted the responsibility for what happened to the woman: they say, the client herself decides how to deal with her, and how not.
“At first I cried, fell into a depression, from which I could not get out for a long time,” says Irina. “But then I gathered my thoughts and seemed to sober up. I realized that I was humiliated throughout the entire period of psychotherapy, but I trusted the specialist and did not protect myself.
What Irina talks about is called gaslighting. This is a form of psychological violence in which the manipulator denies certain facts, trying to make the interlocutor doubt his own adequacy, changing the perception of reality.
A new look at things gave Irina strength, and our heroine decided to sue the psychologist for the money spent on sessions for the entire time of therapy.
Only a few of his clients found the strength to refuse such “help”
Several years have passed since then. With the help of lawyers, Irina managed to return the entire planned amount. “Now I only work with specialists who really help me,” says Irina. “And even bold enough to tell this story.”
The psychologist, to whom our heroine turned, continues to conduct his practice: only a few of his clients have found the strength to refuse such “help”.
“After everything that happened, I made a kind of checklist – a list of tips and signs, thanks to which you can understand whether a specialist helps you or harms you,” says Irina. With the permission of our heroine, we publish this list and hope that some of you will find it useful.
8 security questions
- Even if you came to a specialist on a recommendation, do not hesitate to find out where he studied, what approach he works in, whether he has a supervisor and where you can find confirmation of his words. This is the first rule of safety.
It will not be superfluous to find out in which educational institution or organization his supervisor is. If instead you get a rejection or hear vague legends about some mysterious “teacher”, then this is a reason to be wary.
- If, instead of a simple and logical explanation, to the question of how this or that process occurs, the specialist says “This is obvious”, “You do not understand the simplest things”, “Think for yourself”, do not rush to reproach yourself for misunderstanding. Competent psychologists will always find a way to explain the mechanisms of the occurrence of a particular process and will not make up the fog by talking about simple things.
- Does the sessions devalue your work, profession, or choice? “We found something to do”, “He teaches someone who knows nothing”, “Why do you need such a man.” These phrases, devaluing various areas of Irina’s life, deeply hurt her and provoked protest, but her inner “victim” continued to endure pain. Now Irina does not allow anyone to communicate with her like that – especially for her own money.
- Are you constantly being held accountable for something you have no control over? For example, for subconscious processes. “You absolutely cannot communicate with people,” they tell you without any explanation, and you are not even able to understand what exactly is to blame. Guilt for something non-obvious, incomprehensible is a way to control another person, and guilt in front of a psychologist is a clear sign that something went wrong.
In helping professions, high prices for consultations and the well-being of a specialist are not at all an indicator of the quality of his work.
- Do you develop distrust of yourself and your reality during therapy? Perhaps you are tormented by doubts, and consultations are needed more and more often. And you are unable to make decisions on your own. At some point, a psychologist can really be your support, but you should not become addicted and do only as he says all the time. If the psychologist devalues your choice, and you only become more helpless, then something is clearly going on in therapy.
- The psychologist opposes himself to all other people. “They don’t understand this, but I understand everything”, “These people don’t know how to live, but I …” I paid attention to similar phrases that characterize a person with megalomania before: they jarred me. But there was no time to respond.
- An alarming sign if after consultations you feel worse than before them. If you left the specialist in a state of apathy, stress, or in a gloomy, aggressive, depressed mood. Some psychological methods can cause similar reactions during the consultation – for example, rage, pain, tears – but after talking with a therapist, you should feel better. Or, at least, calmer than before the visit to a specialist.
- It is unacceptable for a psychologist to demonstrate a high level of income on social networks and impose his lifestyle on you, regularly trying to inject more pain: “I never earned as little as you did”, “Something is not yet visible to your millionaire man.” It may well turn out that such a specialist does not have any property at all.
At the same time, really professional psychologists can have a very modest income – and this does not mean that they do not deserve your trust. In helping professions, high prices for consultations and the well-being of a specialist are not at all an indicator of the quality of his work.
“Take care of yourself and your mind”
“I survived a psychological abuse by a specialist with a minimum of losses and became stronger after this story,” says Irina. – But not everyone was so lucky: I know people who, after working with such “psychologists”, could not recover for several months and even ended up in a clinic.
I have no right to blame fate or those whose recommendations I once listened to. It was my area of responsibility to check the specialist before trusting him. So take care of yourself and your mind. Double-check everything that they try to impose on you. Check the opinion voiced by a specialist in other sources. And then you will have every chance not to be in a similar situation.