The basis of creating a good relationship is the ability to accept, not your partner, but yourself. Thanks to contact with ourselves, we become internally richer, and thus more interesting for our partner – says psychotherapist Jakub Zając from the Dialog Therapy Center.
- To create a successful relationship, you have to like yourself
- Self-acceptance is crucial in maintaining a successful relationship
- Jakub Zając also says whether there is such a thing as the “seventh year” syndrome
- More current information can be found on the Onet homepage.
How can you recognize a good relationship?
There can be as many variants of a good relationship as there are relationships. But I can definitely say that I cannot imagine a good relationship without a certain amount of closeness and intimacy. The elements of friendship and love are also key. A good relationship is when we consciously care for it, e.g. with good rituals, planning time together, when we initiate situations that build closeness, tenderness, intimacy, good memories, e.g. going out to a pub, trips, nice evenings.
Why is it not easy to build a good relationship?
Maybe because to create a good relationship you have to like yourself. If you observe people who are happy together, it is easy to see that each of these people also has a good relationship with themselves. It’s hard for me to imagine that you can build a good relationship when you can’t get along with each other. The problems we bring to the relationship affect it, so remember that the path to a good relationship is by recognizing your problems and working on yourself.
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But does this mean that if I have problems with myself, I have no chance of a good relationship?
I would not put it so categorically, but there is something to it. If someone has a couple of relationships behind him and there is something wrong with each of them, then maybe you need to think about yourself a bit.
So what can be done to build a better relationship?
Self-acceptance is the key. Because if I have a positive opinion about myself, I will not need a partner who would confirm it to me. Of course it’s nice if your partner talks about it, but if I expect it from him. If I am in a relationship to listen to it, if I place such an “obligation” on my partner, it does not contribute to the relationship well. The point is not that the partner should be the source of our self-acceptance, the partner can only confirm it to us.
The ability to manage your own stress is also important. Nowadays, when we work at full capacity, live constantly on the go, the factor of success in a long-term relationship is how we deal with stressful situations. On the surface, it doesn’t seem to matter to this situation, but stress can cause a lot of confusion. Brought from the outside, unmanaged, it is most often discharged on relatives, and this must affect the relationship.
A pandemic brings us a lot of stress. How does it affect relationships?
What can I say, it’s a difficult time for everyone. We have a lot of stress, we live in a feeling of great unknown. The requirement of isolation meant that we spend together in one house, sometimes in one room 24 hours a day, we are saturated with these relationships – and even very good relationships can put us to a solid test.
But it also happens that such time together has a positive, even invigorating effect on some couples – they finally have more time for each other, see each other more often, have more opportunities for various types of intercourse, also for sex. This can happen, especially if the partners did not have time for each other before the pandemic, they worked a lot, passed each other, were often on the road.
How to protect yourself from the saturation with relationship mentioned above during a pandemic?
Roughly the same way as when there is no pandemic. But at this time, it seems even more important to take care of your time only for yourself. The point is that there should be a balance – if we are very much and intensely together, it takes on a special meaning. When we do not have the conditions to be alone at home, walking or going out somewhere separately can help. However, these should not be random moments, it is worth planning and repeating them regularly, e.g. Tuesday afternoon is only for me and whatever happens, I do not change it, because I am important to myself. It is worth remembering that through contact with ourselves we become richer, and thus more interesting for our partner.
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Let’s talk about quarrels. Shouldn’t happen in ideal relationships?
It’s not true. I will say more – it would be surprising if they were not there. Even in the best relationships, a temporary “material fatigue” can occur.
This is absolutely normal. In fact, I would be afraid of a relationship in which it is perfect all the time – it smells of repression to me, of not noticing something. The fact that we are tired of each other is quite natural – the question is what do we do with it. There is a fantastic book “To Live in the Family and Survive” in which the famous psychotherapist Robin Skynner and the no less famous comedian John Cleese have a conversation about how family life affects us, our relationships and the way we perceive the world. It turns out that in good relationships, partners conduct a kind of observation of each other in action all the time and discuss what they see.
This shows that the relationship is a topic of conversation, so talk as much as possible.
But let’s also remember that closeness and intimacy are a bit chaotic, they cannot be planned. Therefore, infinitely refining, explaining everything, decomposing every argument into atoms, endlessly “debunking” problems, can be tiring for the other party and can mean problems with the other person.
Is there really such a thing as the “seventh year” syndrome?
There is even more research on the fourth year syndrome. And in fact, while the statistics say nothing about a single person, only about the masses of people, there is something to do with it. There is a moment in a relationship when there is a natural oversaturation with oneself, a decrease in interest in a partner. It is inevitable. Of course, it does not have to be a crisis that breaks us at once, with which we do not know how to deal with. However, the crisis is a great opportunity for the union.
How to understand?
Each crisis enriches us, teaches us something. Couple therapy is a good way to find out. This is no shame – many good relationships have had this experience behind them. On the one hand, couples therapy should be treated as a consequence of the crisis – it is worth going for it when we cannot deal with problems ourselves. But it can also be a great opportunity to speed up the development of a relationship – as long as you really want to be together. Otherwise, the therapy will fail.
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There are people who believe that long-term relationships are unnatural for humans. Do you agree with this theory?
There is quite a large group of people who enter into a series of 4-year relationships. Four years is the average time when the first passion ends but intimacy is not fully developed yet. By changing partners at such a moment, we can have everything anew – fascination, a feeling of freshness, passion. However, we still lose a lot. I would defend long-term relationships, because they provide us with unique experiences, self-development, which short-term relationships will not provide. But I would not assess whether one 50-year relationship is better than three 15-year ones.
There is a lot of talk about how relationships used to be fixed, now partners are exchanged and the problem is over …
The actual product-transactional relationship model is a bit of a sign of our times. This is also the model of modern life, and it translates into interpersonal relationships. However, it is worth noting that in the past, communicating often took place at a great cost to one’s own needs. Of course, when the remedy for the first crisis is the thought of changing partners, something is wrong. On the other hand, I still judge the culture of faster divorces as better than the one in which we will not part with the world and stay in bad relationships for years. A sufficient number of patients pass through my office, harmed by their parents’ strange arrangements. Anyway – we have one life, so does it make sense to waste it in a relationship that is not satisfactory? There will be no more chances.
Many couples are together because of the children. Is it right or not?
There are many opinions on this. Personally, I think the argument of being together for children is flawed. In the office, I often hear: I’m pissed at my parents that they haven’t broken up, and for years I had to look at the breakdown of their relationship. If they broke up, I would have a clear situation and emotional patterns, and the fact that they lived together under the same roof feeling resentful towards each other was terribly difficult.
Therefore, I think that it is worth parting well for the sake of children. Children need to know that they still have both parents to count on, and they have only gone different paths. Of course, it will always be painful for them, but the question of what is a bigger drama: the civilized separation of parents, or watching parents fight each other, listening to their quarrels, looking at cold indifference, is it better to have parents apart, but know that they respect each other. Additionally, children unknowingly adopt such patterns and practice in their later relationships. This is a key argument for me.
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Is it possible to create a relationship from a distance?
It is very difficult in the long term, because a relationship requires closeness, also such territorial closeness to the body, and I do not mean only sex, but hugging, being close. This is important in the long run. On the other hand, there are relationships that are separated for several or several months and are able to do well. There is a lot of research that shows that without a “picture” it is difficult to arouse some layers of empathy and compassion, so if a couple has to break up for some time, it is worth making sure to see each other at least on a zoom or other platform, now there are many possibilities . It is worth taking care of such contacts, for example, but also trying to organize a meeting “live” from time to time, even somewhere in the middle of the road. Generally, however, I would assume that this is a state of increased danger. The probability of building a long-term, happy long-distance relationship is statistically small. Distance is simply dangerous for a relationship. Though, of course, if you feel comfortable with this person, it’s worth a try.
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What about bonding with a younger partner? Can you build a good relationship with a big age difference?
In this case, the answer is yes, it is possible. It is a bit of a difficulty, but I do not feel that such a relationship is in jeopardy.
There are some issues that can be problematic, such as the fact that, years later, one partner will still be in the prime of life and the other will be in old age. But nowadays, 15 years of difference is not a problem. The vast age difference, say 30, can be embarrassing, but if there is love and tenderness then why not.
In recent months, which are also difficult for single people, the Tinder application has enjoyed particular interest. How do you rate this way of making friends?
It raises my doubts, although perhaps as a psychotherapist I have a slightly skewed perspective – my assessment is based on conversations with patients, most of whom had rather difficult experiences with it. But I would use some sense, there seem to be occasions where Tinder can help. The question is who uses this application, because if someone who does not feel well in their skin and is looking for a partner at all costs who would be a cure for their troubles, there is a chance that such a person will meet many disappointments there.
Monika Wysocka, Zdrowie.pap.pl
Also read:
- A factor that is crucial for the quality of sexual life
- Sex is the best injection of youth. How does it affect our body?
- Love – types, stages, health and body effects
- You’re just right for me, which is what this game is all about
- Platonic love – definition, types of platonic love. What is platonic love?
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