In my opinion, the child should be connected to household chores as early as possible. Very young children can, on their own after a walk, take off their shoes near the front door, unfasten buttons or zippers on their clothes, collect toys after playing, wash their hands, etc., and this will already be a feasible help to parents in household chores.
As the child grows up, new responsibilities appear, but the earlier adults teach children to work, the less resistance they receive and the child can more easily cope with simple tasks that are accessible to his age.
My son is five years old, and everything was practiced in our family: the severity of a security officer, and the cunning of a tactician, and, of course, the creativity of an inspirer. But at one fine moment, I met the child’s unwillingness to do anything other than what he himself wants: “I don’t want to clean up the toys, you need to clean them up. I want to play phone.» It was then that the idea came to my mind to offer the child to establish Anarchy in the family, when in the family we will all do whatever we want and no one will force anyone. The child accepted this idea with delight, asking several times whether he really could do whatever he pleased. I said that, of course, you don’t need to set fire to the house, but yes, you can do whatever you want.
I warned him that dad and mom would also do whatever they wanted, do their favorite things, but he paid no attention to it. Probably in vain … The son was delighted and wanted to live in such a way.
The experiment started at 14:00 pm. During the day, the child did whatever he wanted (within the framework of the legislation of the Russian Federation). The parents did the same. Each is his own director. He played, walked, took the toys he wanted to the street.
From 14:00 he was out for a walk, and he took his phone with him, which was previously forbidden in our family.
At 16:00 p.m., He brought strangers to the house with new friends. I played with them at home (of course, in my almost imperceptible presence). He told everyone with pleasure that he now decides what to do, even boasted about it. The children were surprised and envied, he was proud and felt his importance.
It was interesting to watch how he is a 5-year-old boy leading 9-year-old children. They gladly obeyed him. As if, by the way, I specified their names, where they live and who their parents are. The boys were from normal, prosperous families, so I was calm.
At 17:00 they again went for a walk. The son himself determined the time of his return, 20:00. I accepted his decision calmly.
At 17:15 dad came (he was aware of the beginning of the experiment) and together we discussed the further plan of action.
At 18:00 pm, the child came for his electric motorcycle and asked his dad to lower it down. The father refused and the child did it on his own.
At 20:20 we were about to go look for him, but he returned disappointed, as he had been looking for a long time for someone to bring him a motorcycle. We did not allow the motorcycle to be brought into the apartment until he washed the wheels. He refused to wash the wheels and the vehicle remained in the common corridor.
The child asked for food. I suggested that he solve this problem on his own. He took out a piece of bread and ate it. Then he asked for tea, we continued to go about our business. Further, on his part, there were the following requests, which we refused to fulfill: “Wash me, make a fresh bed, read a book.” But the most unpleasant thing for him was that I refused to feed his snails. We currently have two snail tanks, one for our son and one for my niece. She left with her mother and asked me to take care of the living creatures. I picked leaves (just in case, of course, with a margin) and announced that I only look after their snails, and my son’s snails are his task. He cried a lot, I affectionately stroked his head and said that now, in the new «Anarchist» system, I also do only what I want, and for my niece’s snails I am responsible to her, and under any form of government, I will fulfill their obligations.
He asked to go outside to pick grass, but it was too late. I agreed to share the grass with him: “So be it,” but warned me that I wouldn’t do it next time.
Before going to bed, the son said that he did not like such a system, and that we would discuss tomorrow. My husband and I agreed.
When the child fell asleep, we discussed the results of the experiment and decided to bring it to the end. In the morning, the child had to go to the garden, after the garden he had aikido training, and we decided not to take him anywhere, and explain to him that we have other things to do that are more pleasant for us.
In the morning, when my son woke up, he asked where dad was, and I explained to him that dad wanted to sleep longer and he didn’t have time to wake his son up in the morning and bring him to the garden. She also said that now he will not go to aikido, because dad after work wants to come home faster, and not wait for the training to end. The son thought about it, but still continued to do what he wanted.
He took the phone and started playing. I made myself breakfast and sat down to eat. The child also wanted to eat, but he had to make breakfast on his own. I had to look for clothes in a pile of ironed things, but the pile was already small and I warned him that almost all of his things were dirty and he needed to solve that issue himself. I told him that now he would take care of himself completely, because I also have more interesting things to do.
He thought about it and came to the conclusion that such a family model does not suit him. And we began to discuss which option would suit him. Here we told him about the existence of various forms of government.
I confess that the more I myself studied the existing forms of government, the less I liked them all. Therefore, my husband and I decided that it is not so important what the system is called, but the meaning attached to this name is important. In this regard, we offered our son three options for government.
«Anarchy» — Everyone has his own fire and everyone supports it as he wants. The personal interests of one person prevail over the common interests of the family.
Dictatorship (absolute monarchy) — this is one person in the family who decides what kind of fire will be, who brings how much firewood, what firewood, what strength of fire. There are severe penalties for non-compliance. All members of the family are subordinate to one person, regardless of whether he is right or wrong. His decrees are not discussed.
authoritarian democracy — one fire is supported by all family members, together and together. You can discuss which firewood is better, come up with new options for laying firewood, discuss how high the fire will be. All important family matters are discussed together by the whole family, while the head of the family has the right to vote. The family lives according to the created constitution, which takes into account the rights and obligations of all members of this family.
After discussing these options together, the son chose the last, authoritarian-democratic system and asked to remove the anarchy, calling it «disgrace.» Okay, so we did. We took out the rules that were previously adopted in our family, agreed on the observance of these rules, and determined the scope of duties and rights. Whoever has more responsibilities has more rights. On this happy note, the experiment was successfully completed. It lasted from 14.00 Sunday to 11.00 Monday.
What happened next? At first, the child fulfilled our requests for household chores with joy, but time erases vivid memories. A month later, we began to have excuses and not wanting to help, but now I knew what to do with it. Now, after the experiment, I have a trump card of the child’s previous vivid experience, and to my question: “Are we having anarchy again?” — the child reacts like dogs to a light bulb in Pavlov’s experiments: “Mom, no, just not anarchy!”. Now he fulfills our requests quickly and with joy.
His acquaintances recently asked: «Anarchy — how is it?» He couldn’t really explain what “anarchy” was, or why he didn’t like it, but he remembered that he didn’t need it, I hope, for the rest of his life.
After we conducted this experiment in our family, I told other parents (my clients) about our experience, and they fired up to do this experiment with their children. So, husband Sergey is 29 years old, wife Marina is 26 years old, daughter Svetlana is 5,5 years old (the names of people have been changed, the age of the clients is real).
Svetlana is a wonderful diversified girl, she is fond of beading (she can do this for hours). She began to protest against discipline and in every possible way (persuasion, crying, screaming, resentment, etc.) began to refuse to fulfill the traditions established earlier in the family (stopped cleaning her room, helping to set the table, putting her things in place, not wants to go to kindergarten) prefers to watch cartoons, weave beads. The reason for the reluctance to go to the garden, according to Svetlana herself: “They are forced to obey, but I don’t want to do what they say. I want to do what I want!”
Recently, Sveta’s mother, Marina, has taken over all the duties of her daughter. Mom’s attempts to attract Svetochka to help are shattered, and mom does everything herself. Marina commented on this as follows: “It’s easier for me to do it myself than to quarrel with my daughter. During the time of persuasion, I will have time to redo a bunch of cases.
Having learned about the experience with changing the system of government in the family, Marina immediately became interested and expressed a desire to try such an experiment, but a day later she had doubts and fears. “What if my daughter likes“ Anarchy ”, what should I do then?” “How can I not play and study with her? What should I do then? «I have to do all the women’s chores around the house, and mine are used to it.» «I’m afraid to change the way worked out over the years.» “What if your husband doesn’t like it? I don’t know how to offer him that option.»
In this situation, I invited Marina to discuss the current situation and the possibility of getting out of it with my spouse. It is important that parents work in tandem, together in raising children.
The next day, Marina came with a completely different attitude. Determination and mischief were read in her eyes: Sergey, her husband, fully supported the idea of a new behavior. They jointly discussed the details of upcoming events. Sergey stopped all Marina’s worries and fears and agreed to take an active part in the experiment.
Our next meeting took place a week later. Already at first glance, I realized that the experience was successful. Marina’s eyes shone, and a strong desire to quickly share the results of the weekend was read in them.
Marina’s story
“My daughter woke up on Saturday morning and I invited her to breakfast. She said that she would go to breakfast only after watching the cartoon. I explained to her that breakfast would have cooled down by this time and received in response:
— So what, heat it up.
I conveyed Sveta’s words to my husband and he told my daughter that breakfast was over in 20 minutes. He also told his daughter that she could, if of course she herself wants to, spend this day as she pleases, but then we will also do what we want.
Sveta liked it, but she clarified:
«And you won’t even get mad at me if I watch cartoons all day?»
— Of course.
We kissed our daughter and went to eat.
When an hour later Sveta came to eat, the table was cleared and the dishes washed. I was reading a book and my husband was playing on the computer. Sveta demanded breakfast, but received a kind and gentle explanation that breakfast was over, everyone was busy with their favorite things. She took cookies out of the cupboard, ate dry food and went to her room, slightly discouraged.
Half an hour later Sveta came to our room.
— Mom, let’s go for a walk.
— Not now Svetochka, I am reading an interesting book, maybe later.
— Dad, let’s go for a walk.
— Yeah, get dressed.
“Mom, what should I wear?”
— Look in your closet.
— Help me.
“Sunny, I want to read. Please don’t distract me.
The daughter rummaged through the closet for a long time, but nevertheless she dressed herself and went for her dad.
The daughter’s face expressed displeasure.
— Dad, let’s go.
— Yeah, now…
Several minutes passed.
Well, dad, I’m tired of waiting.
— Yes, yes, my dear, I’ll finish the game now … Be patient for another five minutes.
— I’m already hot.
— Get undressed.
Mom, let’s go outside.
— My girl, well, you yourself wanted everything in the family to do what you want.
Sveta, unhappy, went to her room, turned on the cartoons and closed the door.
Dinner time came, my daughter came to our room:
— I want to eat, mama, pour the soup.
— Svetochka, I read too much, and didn’t cook the soup. Eat cookies or bread. Sunny, I haven’t read in such a long time, but this is my favorite pastime.
My husband supported me
— Yes, daughter, have a bite to eat yourself, I also haven’t played a computer for three hundred years. Constantly some things need to be done, and today you gave us such a holiday.
I kissed my daughter and said that I love her very much. Svetochka was ready to burst into tears, my heart sank and I wanted to jump up to feed the baby, then go for a walk with her, in general, do whatever she asks. Sveta left the room, and I looked plaintively at my husband. He told me to be a little more patient, that the child himself must return to his former life, while taking on certain obligations.
I listened to what my girl was doing outside the door. I could hear her rattling dishes and drawers in the kitchen. I was no longer able to read, but patiently waited for further developments. After Svetochka had a bite to eat in the kitchen, she again closed herself in her room. I stared blankly at the book and waited…
After about 10 minutes, Svetochka came to us and there were tears in her eyes:
“No one wants to walk with me, no one wants to play with me, you don’t even want to feed me…
Sergey immediately turned on, thanks to him for this, otherwise I would start asking the child for forgiveness and say too much, and derail all efforts. The husband turned around from behind the computer and said:
Why don’t we want it? As much as we want! I’m playing tanks, sit down and let’s play together.
Sveta sat next to dad and he began to describe the rules of the game. I watched and saw that Sveta did not quite understand what dad was saying, and she was not interested in shooting games either. And the husband spoke with such passion and enthusiasm, and continued to play without paying attention to the sour face of the child. My daughter got up from the table and I called her to me. I had calmed down a bit by then.
— Svetochka, come quickly to me, I will read to you. Such an interesting book.
Sveta sat next to me, I hugged her, pressed her to me and began to read aloud.
Mom, I don’t like this book, read me mine.
“Sweetheart, I really like her.
I don’t like it when everyone does whatever they want.
— And me too — said Sergei and turned to us.
I put down the book and joined in their words.
Then the husband took the floor:
— You understand, daughter, both my mother and I have a lot of housework to do. If we do only what we like, then there will be no one to do many household chores.
Sergei took a piece of paper with a pen and called us to the table. We sat in a circle.
Let’s write down what we have to do at home.
He began to list and my daughter and I also connected. It turned out to be quite an impressive list.
— Most of the housework lies on my mother’s shoulders, but what do you think she always likes to do everything?
— I think no.
— Right, but all this must be done, whether you like it or not. And our task is to help her. Then our mother will not get tired and she will have more time to play and communicate with us. And of course, we can all, at least 30 minutes a day, each of us do our favorite things.
— And what is needed for this?
— Distribute who will take on what work from this list. But only, it is important to fulfill the obligations assumed always and with joy. Otherwise, we will have Anarchy again.
Sveta happily chose from the list of things she wants to do. She wanted to take on too much, and we took away some of the cases from her, arguing that she can always help mom and dad in any business.
We agreed that while I was preparing dinner, my husband and daughter would clean up the rooms, and after dinner we would all go for a walk together. Svetochka seemed so happy to me. She ran to clean her room. The result exceeded all my expectations. She cleaned up very well and quickly. We spent the rest of the day fun and friendly. Daughter, as if changed.
A few days later, after talking with Marina, I met them with my daughter on the street, Sveta proudly told me: