Expectations Technique

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​If someone or something does not meet our expectations, then this usually causes unpleasant experiences: from internal tension to outbursts of discontent and anger.

If you look unbiased and objectively, then no one owes us anything — neither life, nor the people around us (see the Declaration on the Acceptance of Reality). But just a reasonable awareness of this fact is not always enough for expectations to stop bothering us and those around us.

Most often, our expectations fall on the people closest to us, simply because they are much more often next to us. To solve this problem, there is a special technique, which will be discussed below.

Step 1. List of expectations

First you need to remember what expectations you have for loved ones. Here, only those expectations are needed, the non-fulfillment of which causes serious internal tension in you, strong and prolonged emotional reactions. For example:

• The husband must be on time.
• The wife should be attentive to my requests.
• My husband has to help me with the housework.
• Parents should not interfere in my life.

At the end of the work, once again evaluate the list of your expectations and think about whether all of them are really so important to you? Maybe something from the list is not so annoying and can be solved simply at the level of reason? If there are such expectations, then cross them out, as a last resort, you can always return to them and work out later.

Step 2: Reframe expectations into permissions

Expectations, as a rule, are categorical and categorical. For example, in the expectation «The husband must come on time,» the word «always» is implicitly implied. And meanwhile, does everything really have to be always the way you expect it to be? After all, you are surrounded by living people who someday can make a mistake, get tired, or simply forget. It is important to remove categorical expectations from expectations, to give your loved ones permission sometimes not to fulfill them. To do this, for each expectation from the list, you need to write the corresponding permission.

Expectation: «Husband should be on time.»

Permission: «The husband is also a person and may sometime be late.»

Expectation: «The wife should be attentive to my requests.»

Permission: «The wife is not obliged to pay attention to all my requests.»

Expectation: «My husband should help me with the housework.»

Permission: «Husband gets tired at work and can afford to rest at home.»

Expectation: «My parents shouldn’t interfere in my life.»

Permission: «My parents care about me and may be interested in how I live.»

The permission list is a list for you, you don’t need to show it to anyone. Your task is to learn these permissions by heart. And then, if one of the expectations is not met, remember the permission corresponding to it in time.

The husband is also a person and may sometime be late. Anything can happen, late at work or something. He will definitely come home, as he has come all the time before. Late, but will come. So right? Well, enough about that already.

The second step helps to accept the current situation, reduces the intensity of passions. But only the second step is not enough, because, to one degree or another, tension remains. It is equally important to know your requirements and be able to formulate them reasonably and clearly.

Step 3: Reformulate expectations into reasonable, clear requirements

To some extent, our expectations are right. It will be better for the family if the husband mostly comes home on time and tries to help with the housework, the wife listens to the words of the husband, and the parents do not bother the family with their excessive attention and advice. These are reasonable requirements. It is also important to add clarity to rationality so that the other side understands exactly what should or should not be done. To do this, complete your list by adding a reasonable, clear requirement to each expectation.

Expectation: «Husband should be on time.»

Demand: «If you are late, then call and warn me.»

Expectation: «The wife should be attentive to my requests.»

Demand: «If I say that this is really important to me, then it must be done.»

Expectation: “My husband should help me with the housework” (abstract requirement).

Requirement: «The duty of the husband to monitor the condition of the plumbing.»

Expectation: «My parents shouldn’t interfere in my life.»

Internal requirement: «If it concerns only me, then I decide it myself.»

As in the case of permission, these requirements do not need to be voiced. They are needed rather for you in order to better understand what exactly you want from a loved one. Before conveying this information, the requirements must be reformulated into soft and warm requests.

Step 4: Reframe Demands into Gentle and Warm Requests

In a request, your demand is packaged in warmth and courtesy.

Demand: «If you are late, then call and warn me.»

Request: “Darling, do you have a minute? I have a request. You are my only and beloved husband, and I am much calmer when you call me if you are late. I ask that if you are late today, you call. Will it work?

Demand: «If I say that this is really important to me, then it must be done.»

Request: “Honey, can I borrow some of your time? Recently, I often note what a good family we have, and in many respects it is thanks to you. It is much easier and easier for me to plan and do something when I know that I can rely on you. You are just smart! I just need to learn how to tell you about my important requests. You know, there are times when it is important for me that something is exactly done by a certain date, and I turn to you. Because I know that you are happy to help your loved one. So, I have a request for you, if I say that this is important to me, and you cannot do this, then you tell me about it right away, okay? Then I’ll think about how to solve this problem without straining you. Well, if you say that you are ready to help your beloved husband, then I fully rely on you. Good?»

Requirement: «The duty of the husband to monitor the condition of the plumbing.»

Request: “Darling, can I distract you a little? I want to ask you to take responsibility for the health of the plumbing in our house. For example, if something leaks and breaks, then this issue will be on you. You can fix it yourself or call a plumber, whichever is more convenient for you. You will help me a lot with this. Will you take on this responsibility?»

Demand: «Parents should not interfere in my life.»

Request: “Mommy, can I talk to you? You are my best mother in the world, always asking how I am doing, always taking care of me. I am glad that I have such a close person like you. I have a request. If there is any matter that concerns only me, then I solve it myself. Your opinion on this matter is also very important to me, but I will make the final decision myself. For example, deciding what clothes I should wear. Okay?»

Learn the formulated requests, rehearse in front of the mirror, make sure that they sound really soft and warm.

Think about the situation in which you will make your request. Talk to a loved one, make sure that you are both in a good mood, and only after that voice your request. Negotiate if necessary. Even if you, suddenly, did not agree, then at the end thank, hug and kiss your loved one.

Using this technique, you will significantly reduce the negative experiences from your expectations or even remove them altogether. Try to do it, and the result will not be long in coming!