Contents
In old age, we are afraid of losing the love of loved ones, sexual attractiveness, social circle. But fears prevent us from seeing that there is always a choice: mourn the lost or rejoice in new opportunities, turn away from life or accept its gifts.
As a child, I could not stand old people at all: strangers of about seventy simply frightened me … I now found the same rejection in my sons. Like me once, they ingenuously believe that neither old age nor illness can happen to them. However, this childish callousness did not last long for me. The phrase “I walked through life thinking little about death until I stumbled over the graves of my loved ones,” read by Fazil Iskander at the age of twelve, soon resounded sharply in me (grandmother died) and quickly lowered me to the ground. At twenty, the following metamorphosis happened to me: it became interesting for me to listen and look closely at those who are older than me. And not only because it will not be possible to avoid growing up (and then aging) anyway, and it would be nice to know what awaits me. In fact, it is much more fun to change along with those who go ahead and pass “frightening” age lines earlier. However, I can’t say that now, at forty, I already feel the heavy breath of time … Even in the 1980s, the heroes of the film “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears” thought that life was just beginning at forty. Today even more so!
Many of my peers are just emerging from their youth, creating families, having children. It never occurs to my girlfriends to write themselves down as matrons, give up ripped jeans, gadgets, sneakers, headphones and move towards dresses of non-marking colors, formal suits, strings of pearls around their necks and something else corresponding to the notion of maturity. The pace of life has to slow down a little, but that’s all! Nevertheless, the future still scares me a little. Most of all, I am afraid of losing love, activity, close relationships over the years. Children will grow up, old friends will disperse, new ones will not appear, you will have to forget about sex, you will no longer be able to play several games, matches or halves in a row. Is it really? And what can I do so that the fear of losing something important in the future does not prevent me from living and breathing right now?
Read more:
- “Old age can be the happiest time of our lives”
The right mood
Our experts name four strategies of behavior that should be followed if we want to meet the “third age” with dignity.
First of all, deal with stereotypes. Resist traditional attitudes imposed by society and our environment. An active life today can last much longer than before. And the quality of this life depends on us.
“I was 57 years old when I started driving,” explains Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. – I can’t say that it was somehow especially difficult, rather, I struggled with sidelong glances: “Isn’t it too late?”; “At that age!” In fact, at any age you can do what you want. The main thing is to understand if we have the resources for this, and not to look ridiculous.” This is about sneakers and a miniskirt. Still, one day (not now) they will have to part …
The second aspect: to understand how we ourselves relate to our own future, which will come, for example, after sixty: as a life or as a survival. “What can we expect now” and “How I want to have time for this as well” are different pictures of life in general, not just old age, says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – The transition from one age to another, of course, is associated with losses. But a new quality of oneself must necessarily arise, perhaps not immediately. Do we consider ourselves entitled not to disappear, but to appear in a different way – that is the question.
The third point: determine what we are ready to do now if we expect to run a long distance. Whether we care about health, whether we try to maintain mobility, whether we go in for sports. Whatever one may say, this is important. You can be sad about lost forever volleyball (football, ice skating), or you can find time for them, philosophically noting that serves or jumps in two turns are no longer as easy as before.
The fourth strategy is just about that – learn to accept your opportunities as they are. Nifont Dolgopolov tells the story of psychologist Arnold Beisser, for whom old age due to illness came at … 25 years old. Noon lived another 40 years, ran a clinic, married a beauty, wrote books, and led an energetic life. “And only due to the fact that he did not invent himself, but lived as he is, not trying to get up and fly,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov. – One of his books is called “Life Without Wings”.
How to turn back time?
“We did a study with nursing home patients,” writes social psychologist Ellen Langer. One group was encouraged to make their own decisions. For example, they were offered to choose where they would receive visitors, whether they would watch films, which ones and when. Each was given a houseplant and they had to decide where to put it and how often to water it. Our goal was to raise the awareness of the participants, help them to interact with the world and live more fully. The second group received no such instructions; they were told the staff would take care of everything. After a year and a half, we found that the participants from the first group were more cheerful, active and quick-witted than from the second … As the years go by, I believe less and less that biology is a sentence. We are limited not so much by the physical body as by the ideas about our physical capabilities.
From Counterclockwise (Ballantine Books, 2009)
Read more:
- How to survive youth in old age: different stages of each age
Will they love me?
“I will cease to be needed by them” – this is what we mean when we say that we are afraid of losing the love and attention of loved ones with age. We are afraid to think that they will simply endure us, do their duty, being present nearby or talking on the phone from time to time, trying to reduce the time of communication and the number of visits. “At any age, we are afraid of losing love and friendships, but loneliness is most often associated with old age,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. – This picture makes many endure a painful marriage or seek an alliance on the principle of “two loneliness”.
There is no age at which love, affection, friendship would be impossible, our experts are sure. In adulthood, as in youth, sincere, deep, as well as intimate connections require courage, openness and a willingness to allow yourself (and yourself) to be loved. “More than once I have advised men and women over 65 years of age who have experienced the loss of a partner,” says Inna Shifanova. “And then there came a moment when they came for “permission” for a new love.” When a man and a woman have been living together for a long time, they should not be afraid that their partner will “get bored” with age. On the contrary, “rivalry disappears over the years, roles have long been distributed, partners need each other more,” says the family psychologist. “Older couples tend to trust each other more and are touchingly protective of their union.” And an active and diverse life at the third age, impressions from new meetings, far and near travels, even ordinary walks can give a couple special happy moments.
With sex forever
We do not imagine intimacy with a partner without sexuality. But is there sex, say, after 70? The good news is there is. 40% of men aged 75 to 79 years old, 27% of men aged 80 to 84 years old, 19% of 85 to 89 years old, and 11% of 90 to 95 years old have declared their sexual activity during the last year**. Problems in sexual life in men and women over 57 years old are not an inevitable consequence of age – the authors of the study of sexuality of the “third age” are sure. Most often, this is a reaction to stress in various areas of everyday life, to psychological problems or dissatisfaction with partnerships ***. “Many women over fifty say that they no longer feel attractive, desirable, beautiful, as they were in their youth, – comments Nifont Dolgopolov. – But such an attitude towards oneself arises under the influence of stereotypes: men are afraid of losing their potency, and women are afraid of losing their beauty and sexuality. A vicious circle arises: after all, the attractiveness of a woman depends on how she feels herself, how she treats herself.
It is also important how far women themselves are ready to go in new relationships. And whether they allow themselves to love again. “People of age have a need for intimacy, but it was not customary to talk about it,” recalls Inna Shifanova. – Many simply rejected these opportunities for themselves, ignoring their desires, which are by no means becoming less. Fortunately, sexuality at an older age, not related to procreation, is no longer considered something shameful. Recently, my friend got married for the first time – at the age of 56, and met her future husband on the Internet. Social networks have connected many couples, they also help to find old and new friends, communicate, create interest groups.”
Virtual connections
By the way, you can learn how to use modern means of communication and obtaining information at any age. My relative Irma became interested in computer technology in her late 70s – her granddaughter and great-grandson went to live abroad, and communication with them became possible only via Skype. Needless to say, it was the great-grandson who taught the grandmother how to use the program. By the way, a request to help sort out the Internet or register on a social network may well be an occasion to get a little closer to the modern generation. And one more piece of advice from the now 85-year-old Irma: “When you turn 50, make sure that there are girlfriends and friends around, pull everyone up, organize, make new acquaintances, because this is what you will then stay with.” This wise and simple thought is continued by Nifont Dolgopolov: “As you age, you should be more careful about your physical shell, social and professional connections, and, of course, your inner circle. Maintain our own habitat, try not to lose those who we already have … It is around these people that our communication will be built in the future.
Go from your desires
“The age of 60–65 years is the point of the highest flowering of personality. If a person is healthy (and now everything is conducive to this), he receives absolute freedom and can live and enjoy, says psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. “Although at this age the end point of the path is obvious to everyone, if we understand and accept that life is done and cannot be replayed, something unusual happens: fear goes away.” The third age gives us a unique opportunity: we can finally do whatever we want , in the truest sense of the word. For example, things for which there was never enough time to paint pictures, travel, study, teach, take care of grandchildren, garden and vegetable garden. Or maybe exactly the opposite – finally not to draw, not to study, not to take care of grandchildren, garden and garden: no one has the right to force us *****.
The main thing is to understand that we make our own choice. Even if we want to be alone, like the heroes of the book “Life Solo”. “Ava did not stop loving her daughter, but meeting her became a burden to her. Now she does not have the strength to deal with the problems of her relatives. This happens quite often. Elderly loners say they prefer to live alone because the kids make them work! Sit with children. Help prepare food. Get out. Some enjoy doing these things, while others prefer to do these duties on their own terms and not because the children demand it. In addition, there is a danger of falling into the epicenter of the family drama … “******
In general, whatever seems appropriate to you, do it, there will be no other time. Make plans, help yourself and others fulfill your most cherished desires, and always expect more from yourself.
* F. Iskander “Man and his surroundings” (Text, 1995).
** Annals of Internal Medicine, 2010, vol. 153 (11).
*** 1455 men and 1550 women aged 57 to 85 participated in the nationwide study. See Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2008, vol. 5 (10).
***** See about this V. Yakovlev “The Age of Happiness” and “I Wanted and Could” (Mann, Ivanov, Ferber, 2013, 2014).
******E. Kleinenberg “Life solo: a new social reality” (Alpina non-fiction, 2014).
I was 87 when I found out I had a son
“My life was full, I always worked, I saw a lot of cities and people. And seven years ago I lost the dearest person, my wife. A feeling of emptiness came over me… I resisted the anguish as best I could, but I often caught myself thinking that I was deceiving myself. That was until the day I found a letter in the mailbox. A stranger wrote that he was … my son. A long time ago, when I was working in Siberia, I had a girlfriend. Then I was transferred to another city, and we lost sight of each other.
I don’t know why, probably out of resentment, she didn’t say that we had a baby. And now, after her death, my son, already a pensioner himself, decided to look for me. I cried while reading his letter. At my age, fate gave me a chance to learn what fatherhood is! Of course, I wholeheartedly accepted both my son and his children and grandchildren, and they accepted me. We are constantly in touch. I have to hold on – now there is for whom! Recently, together with my son, they made repairs in my apartment. I feel like they need it. Without exaggeration, a new life has begun for me!”