Existential despair: what does the lack of goals in life lead to

If every person were temporarily deprived of his daily duties — the need to go to work, settle household chores, take care of children — the whole world would soon plunge into a nightmare, says American psychotherapist John Cilimparis. Most people would wallow in obsessive thoughts on completely unnecessary topics. They would drive themselves into a frenzy by asking questions that have no answers.

For example, fruitless arguments about life and death — that we are all born from some dark and obscure void, and after death we return to it. These heavy thoughts invariably lead to the fact that a person begins to ask questions like «Who am I?» and “Why am I here?” driving yourself into an intellectual dead end.

Deprived of all life goals, people would find themselves in such an existential void that anxiety would simply knock them off balance. Our mind does not tolerate idleness, perceives it as a real punishment.

Thanks to them, we maintain balance and do not indulge in endless thoughts about our ephemeral, and possibly meaningless, existence.

A former patient once told me that, despite her anxiety and depression, she was forced to think about the future because of her two children. Every prom she attended, every football game, every musical rehearsal, every new milestone in her children’s lives, made her look to the future with hope, not fear.

The older we get, the more important children and grandchildren are for us. They allow us to focus on their youth rather than our own aging. For this woman, motherhood for some time became the meaning of life. It helped her to control herself and cope with psychological problems.

If, with age, a person continues to live aimlessly and disorganized, most likely, he will begin to mentally turn to the past more and more often. He will be tormented by obsessive thoughts about past mistakes, losses, unsuccessful decisions. Existential despair creeps up unnoticed and forces us to constantly analyze the past, although this does not give us anything.

Full immersion in yourself

All-consuming despair can push a person to solipsism — complete immersion in oneself, in one’s desires, fears and experiences. He has an unfounded belief that his «I» is the only measure of truth. This is an inadequate perception of reality distorted by egoism.

Uncertainty, lack of control and unpredictability are simply unbearable for a person who is completely immersed in himself. The egocentric mind is often hostile to everything new, and getting out of the comfort zone becomes almost impossible.

It is important to remember that it is not the future that scares us, but our inability to control it. Plunging into ourselves, we find ourselves in an endless carousel of neurotic experiences about the future, which cause constant anxiety.

It begins to seem that our personal problems are more important than the problems of the rest of the inhabitants of the planet, and therefore everyone around us is constantly watching and criticizing our actions. Or it seems to us that we are completely unique and no one in the world suffers as much as we do. Or that God himself took up arms against us personally and deliberately makes our life unbearable. You know what? You’re not that important, period.

So, we came to the conclusion that the aimlessness and disorganization of everyday life can be dangerous for the psyche. When we live aimlessly, our mind is idle, not getting any tasks to make it work.

A few months ago, I went alone on a small mountain hike in Santa Monica, west of Los Angeles. For some reason, I felt loneliness especially acutely, I began to feel sorry for myself a little. When I reached the highest point of the route and looked down at the magnificent view that opened before me, something seemed to switch in my head.

It was a very unpleasant feeling — heavy and sad. All life’s anxieties seemed to me much more serious than before, from the usual fear of old age to doubts about whether I turned off the air conditioner when I left the house. It felt like this new despair was eating me up inside.

This sudden change in consciousness unsettled me and completely disoriented me. But there was something comical in all this. It was as if violins and cellos were playing in the background, while I was being sucked into some kind of swamp of absurdity.

These experiences made me stop and think. Now I myself have come face to face with the realization of how limited my possibilities are and how short my stay in this world is. And last week, while playing tennis, I got injured — a torn calf muscle. I had to cancel all appointments with patients for the next few days. I wore orthopedic shoes and moved around the house on crutches.

Having temporarily lost my daily duties and got out of my usual routine, left alone with crutches, I again felt that same despair. And it inspired me to write this article.

10 Tips to Avoid Existential Despair

1. Find a purpose for yourself

Any — not necessarily noble or intellectual. Let it be something you enjoy doing for yourself or for others. Immerse yourself in your chosen cause with maximum dedication and unyielding determination. If you don’t like your current job, look for other job opportunities. Do not be afraid to take on new projects that cause you genuine enthusiasm.

2. Do not allow yourself long periods of idleness

Plan your time wisely. Regular mental exercise is very important for the health of the mind and psyche. There is no remote control in life, you will have to “switch” the channels yourself. Don’t lie mindlessly on the couch.

3. Focus on those areas of life where you can really do something useful.

For example, relationships with a spouse or partner, raising children, relationships with relatives, work, a healthy lifestyle.

4. Set goals and challenge yourself every day

Sometimes it’s helpful to deal with a conflict that you’ve been avoiding for years. It is also helpful to overcome yourself by trying something new — something that scares you.

5. Don’t expect guarantees

Some uncertainty about the future is inevitable and normal.

6. Don’t procrastinate

Take action. Be prepared to make decisions and stick to them.

7. Do not isolate yourself from the world

Try to have a heart-to-heart with someone at least once a day. Remember that most people do not tolerate loneliness well. Talk to someone, support a friend or acquaintance who is having a hard time with a kind word and a smile.

8. Do not torture yourself with global philosophical questions that cannot be answered easily.

You don’t need to unravel the secrets of the universe right now. Be inquisitive and curious, but at the same time learn to cope with the unknown and uncertainty.

9. Remind yourself that you are not a victim of circumstances and hard fate.

You cannot change everything, but you can change how you react to what is happening.

10. Do not think that everything that happens to you is directly related to your life. 

This is far from always the case. You are not such an important person on a global scale. Accept this fact.

As one of the founders of existentialism, the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, once said: “Initially, life is not endowed with meaning. Only we can give it meaning and create some value for ourselves.”