Contents
How do you perceive loneliness? Do you feel the bitterness of broken ties or the sweetness of solitude? The coldness of life in isolation or the joy of detachment from the hustle and bustle of the outside world? Can one exist without the other? We present a selection of books about different facets of loneliness.
1. «The Taming of Loneliness», Jean-Michel Quinodo
“Loneliness has two faces: it can be a bad adviser, but if tamed, it will become an invaluable friend,” writes Swiss psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Quinodo.
According to psychoanalysts, the feeling of loneliness is associated with separation anxiety, which first arises in a child when, as an adult, he tries to separate from his mother. Again, it can appear in situations of separation and loss, giving rise to depression, fear of death, a feeling of abandonment.
The author describes various approaches to understanding this phenomenon and, using practical examples, shows how psychoanalytic work allows you to gradually transform the hopeless feeling of loneliness into the possibility of fruitful solitude.
2. “Life solo. New Social Reality, Eric Kleinenberg
At all times, a person organized his life in such a way as not to be left alone. And now the situation is changing. For the first time in history, a significant number of people of different ages and social groups began to live alone, either temporarily (after a divorce, the death of a spouse), or not marrying at all. From 1996 to 2006 their number increased by 33%! For many, this is a conscious choice, and they do not feel alone, says New York University sociologist Eric Kleinenberg.
Researching this topic, he analyzed the data of sociologists and marketers for seven years, and, together with assistants, conducted about 300 interviews with “loners”. In the book, Kleinenberg explains the craving for loneliness with a whole range of reasons: among them are social security, the cult of the individual, the changed role of women. And he comes to the conclusion that this trend is already irreversible. We must accept this as a fact and restructure social policy accordingly, the scientist says.
3. Loneliness, Olga Krasnikova
Even if we ourselves do not experience feelings of loneliness and emptiness, it can still invade our world, gradually or rather unceremoniously. Meeting on the stairwell with a lonely neighbor, listening to the sad monologue of an old friend on the phone, we feel pity, a desire to help, and sometimes alienation or an acute sense of our own guilt for the experiences of our neighbor.
How to behave in this situation? In what cases is it unacceptable to give advice, and when can they be useful? Which words and actions bring relief and which increase the pain?
Olga Krasnikova, a counseling psychologist and head of the Sobesednik psychological center, talks about this. She shows how different loneliness can be, and insists that the role of sympathizers is not to violate the boundaries of the individual, but to create conditions in which a person who is acutely experiencing loneliness and feels lost can hear and understand himself better.
4. «The Lonely Friend of the Lonely», Vladimir Levy
Doctor and psychologist Vladimir Levy wrote a book for everyone who feels lonely, who is looking for and does not find a response in other people. Who does not suspect that others feel the same way. Loneliness is multifaceted, omnipresent, and none of us has passed this state, which is both painful and saving, helping to create and making us suffer. Vladimir Levy’s book is an attempt to define loneliness in different ways: prose, poetry, drawings, photographs, silence…
5. «Independent mothers», Madeleine Denis
Although dads sometimes raise children alone, most often this happens with moms. Therefore, the practical manual of the French psychologist Madeleine Denis is addressed primarily to them. A single mother has many problems: where to find an assistant? Will you be able to work from home? How to cope with whims or avoid too close connection with the child? Moreover, it is important not only to resolve everyday issues, but also to learn to live in harmony with children and with yourself.
The author’s advice and examples are so useful and accurate that you want to immediately check them in practice. For example, to create a «friendly network of grandparents on the hook.» Or “set aside a separate phone number for business calls and turn it off when you are busy with a child.” Or “meet each of the children separately, and not at home, but where everyone likes it” — in order to calmly listen to them and talk.
The quality of relationships within the family is Denis’ absolute priority, and this is perhaps the main value of the book.
6. “Love, freedom, loneliness. A new look at relationships, Osho
The Buddhist preacher and mystic Osho (1931–1990) taught philosophy and lectured but did not write a single book. Those hundreds of publications that are sold all over the world are recordings of his lectures and talks. That, however, does not detract from their importance. This book is dedicated to finding the optimal balance between attention to yourself and to others.
Recalling Jean-Paul Sartre’s famous saying, «The other is hell,» Osho comments: «Yes, the other becomes hell if you don’t know how to be alone sometimes.» People who are able to be happy alone are more likely to form good relationships with others. And vice versa: “You can only enjoy loneliness if you can enjoy relationships,” says Osho.