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We are taught from childhood to be responsible. But sometimes this habit in adulthood develops into an obsession. People tend to control everything that happens to them, and in addition the behavior of relatives and colleagues. How do you learn to trust others and let things just happen?
For the tenth time, check that the iron and stove are turned off. Make sure your daughter takes a shift and costume to school for the performance. Remind your husband to pay the rent. Ask the secretary to call colleagues to send vacation schedules … But it’s better to do it yourself, it’s more reliable.
38-year-old Elena says that the ticker of important dates, tasks and worries never turns off in her head. “If I had not been organized and disciplined, I probably would not have become the head of the department. But, to be honest, I get very tired all the time to keep my finger on the pulse. Yes, and my environment complains: you control us endlessly, as much as possible? However, Elena does not see a way out: “If I want something to be done well, I need to do it myself. Or at least give detailed instructions, call, ask, check.
Where does our need to control everything come from? It is caused by fear, says family psychotherapist Natalya Shchukina.
Who has big eyes
Fear is a feeling that usually awakens in us when a real threat to life and health appears. “If we try to control something or someone when nothing threatens, then fear lives in us all the time, regardless of the specific reason, creating an alarming background,” says Natalia Schukina. While anxiety itself is natural, the therapist notes, “We are born with it. This is the energy that drives us to look around as we move forward. Like an animal, going hunting, sniffs, listens, looks around…”
We hold the bag in the subway, look around, crossing the road – these control skills are by no means superfluous. However, an increased level of anxiety, in which we try to keep track of everything and even control what others do, prevents us from living.
Aerophobia often occurs precisely among those who are used to being responsible for everything.
“In this case, communication with loved ones turns into an endless stream of discontent, claims, indications that they do not meet our expectations,” explains psychotherapist Olga Gonzal. – Another version of control is when someone keeps feelings in check, does not allow himself any spontaneous manifestations. This makes him emphatically independent and inaccessible to close contact. It becomes difficult for him to understand others and empathize with them.”
Those of us with elevated levels of anxiety try to anticipate events that may not happen, spending too much energy on it. But the hardest thing for them is to face a situation that they cannot influence. For example, they are afraid to fly in airplanes. Often aerophobia occurs precisely among those who are used to being responsible for everything.
Get big
According to experts, the causes of increased anxiety are found in childhood. “I would even say, in the perinatal period,” says Natalya Schukina. – If the expectant mother experienced severe stress, this cannot but affect the child. He will swallow the amniotic fluid poisoned by anxiety and will be born with the installation “the world is harsh and unfair.”
The situation will be aggravated if in the future the child cannot rely on the love and support of loved ones – as a result, he will not develop a basic trust in the world. But overprotection is not an option either. “If there is too much care and attention in a child’s life, his trust in the world will be excessive,” emphasizes the psychotherapist. – The child will become a naive adult who does not even think that someone can harm him. When he finds himself in a traumatic situation, he will have nothing to rely on. He just has no experience! And with a high probability he will have a neurosis that will force him to control absolutely everything – himself, loved ones, weather, nature.
We overcome fears to live with what is given to us, even if it is difficult.
Our anxieties are fueled by thoughts that the world is aggressive and dangerous. “This is true, but not to the extent that it seems to an anxious person,” notes Olga Gonzal. “Therefore, it makes sense to explore the traumatic experience and accept the fact that the world can seem frightening to a small person. Out of despair and helplessness, the child has the right to see the world this way: it is big, it is ruled by adults, and I am powerless to change anything. But are you now helpless and powerless?
help yourself
How easy is it to learn to trust yourself and others? It depends on how strong our desire for control is. The extreme degree takes the form of obsessive-compulsive disorder: the sufferer performs actions in a given sequence, for example, washes his hands three times with soap and water. Or repeatedly double-checks: is the light off? what about gas? definitely turned off? In this case, you can not do without the help of a specialist. It is difficult to cope on your own and with panic attacks, which can also be the result of a desire to control everything.
In other cases, you can try to help yourself. The main thing here is to discover that it is we who are starting the process: the more we worry, the more we try to control other people, the world. They resist, we expand the range of manipulations … as a result – stress, overload and confusion before life.
Answer yourself the question whether overcontrol helps or hinders you, Olga Gonzal advises. Write down all the pros and cons of this behavior. The next task is to understand the origin of your beliefs. Where are they from? Is this a parental setting? Or the environment you were in? Finally, try to perform the alienation procedure. To do this, add another voice to the internal dialogue, tell yourself: “Stop. I know that my desire to control everything arose under the influence of such and such people and circumstances. But this habit does not help me much, I can do without it. This remark will help to draw a line between your adult inner self and children’s beliefs.
Time for freedom
You can free yourself from the passion for control if you accept the fact that everything that happens to us happens here and now and may not happen again. After all, even when we hear “I love you”, we hardly think first of all whether the interlocutor will repeat these words in ten years and how to ensure the safety of these feelings. We take risks, giving freedom to ourselves and others. But only freedom allows you to enjoy the moment and experience the fullness of being.
“To control means to unconsciously wish to make the world static, painted with one color, dead,” notes Natalya Shchukina. — Because the living is bright, colorful, it moves, develops, changes. Ask yourself: do you want to live in a dead world? Do you want to be dead yourself? If not, leave the world the right to be alive and be ready to meet every day with the gifts and surprises that it brings you.
And psychotherapist Elena Perova suggests taking an example from drivers who drive long distances: “They are not tense, but their attention is clearly working. Looking at the road ahead of them, they also catch what is happening on the periphery. And if required, they can quickly respond to it. This is the state of freely distributed attention that we should strive for.” In this state, we are conscious and attentive, but not tense and ready to respond to the challenges of reality.
Choose your route
We are moving forward no matter what. The harder it is for us, the harder we are. Meanwhile, resistance, external and internal, may be a sign that we are persistently moving to the wrong place, where we really should be. A first-person story with a psychotherapist’s commentary.
“Sometimes we don’t realize that the direction that we stubbornly adhere to is set by others – parents, society,” says psychotherapist Elena Perova. We are afraid to deviate from the prescribed route, break the rules, become different from what is expected of us. In fact, titanic efforts are aimed at living a life that is not your own.
“I didn’t even have a choice of who to be,” recalls 41-year-old Svetlana. – As far as I can remember, I have been told so much about the family teacher’s dynasty, the founder of which was my great-grandmother, who became a rural teacher even before the revolution. And I always tried to teach children well, but one day I clearly realized that I go to work only because I constantly force myself. I do everything that is supposed to be done, and right on time, but this brings me neither joy, nor even satisfaction, only growing fatigue. I felt like a traitor to my family, but I still dreamed of doing something else.” Svetlana underwent a three-year course of psychotherapy before she allowed herself to quit. Now she works as an accountant in a small company. “I like the team and a clearly defined area of responsibility. And I had free time for dancing and singing, which I hadn’t even allowed myself to think about before. ”
Squeezed into the framework that we ourselves have created, we do not notice much in ourselves and around us. “And if this control is weakened, move away from the main road to some side paths and let something new into life that is not included in this program, other sides may open up to us, some other people may appear nearby, and we we learn about ourselves and the world something previously unknown, but valuable and real,” adds Elena Perova.
Everything comes and goes
The calming of the body and spirit, the restructuring of relations with reality in the direction of greater acceptance open up to us a way of life in which there is a place for curiosity and creativity. The practice of meditation can help with this. “She offers a different perspective on what is happening,” explains Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. “I accept what happens to me, allow it to be and let it go. I’m not trying not to think, but I’m not caught up in thoughts. I allow all processes to be, but I do not merge with them. I give life the right to flow as it flows.
Perhaps the expression “let go of control,” simplified by bad personal growth guides, should be replaced with “trust in life.” This trust has nothing to do with doom.
“On the contrary, this is a real obligation that we take on,” emphasizes Elena Pavlyuchenko. We stop living in the conditional mood and assumptions about what could happen or get better, and instead overcome fears to accept reality and live with what is given to us, even if it is imperfect or difficult. When faced with trials, we are less likely to resort to denial.” We know that everything passes and… everything comes. Including what we do not expect and what we do not even hope for.
Find and neutralize
To turn off the commands of our internal controller, we must first realize how it controls us. The exercises offered by the American psychotherapist Thomas Trobe in his book “Beyond Fear” will help you figure it out.
- Control recognition. Consider the different areas of life—money and survival, relationships, work, sex, and food—and notice how you control yourself and others in these areas. Notice what kind of fears are behind your strategies.
- Anxiety monitoring. Celebrate every moment throughout the day when you lose your composure. Ask yourself: “What makes me anxious?”, “What in particular did or didn’t someone say, did or didn’t do that created this anxiety?”. Or: “What situation and what exactly in it caused me anxiety?”
- Recognizing your reactions. Then notice how you reacted to that worry. What have you done or not done? How did you try to change the situation, the other or yourself?
- Recognizing other people’s reactions. Notice the other person’s emotional reaction. It could be anger, withdrawal, struggle, shock, or pleasing… What feelings do you have in response to this emotion? Are you getting what you want from the other?
- Recognition of wounds. Think about the inner wounds behind your reaction. In what ways do they make you feel rejected, ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, or incredulous?
- Scenario monitoring. Notice how familiar the stimulus-response mechanism is to you, has this been repeated in the past? Maybe you can even trace it back to childhood.