Everything you wanted to know about polyamory but were afraid to ask

Polyamory is often confused with polygamy and open relationships, although they have only one thing in common: the possibility of sexual intercourse not only with a permanent partner. In fact, polyamorous relationships are built on the idea that each of us can be in a love relationship (share not only a bed, but also a life) with several people at the same time. Polyamory is primarily “amor”, love, and “poli” is a nice bonus.

What is special about polyamory? Psychologists and adherents of polyamory Dossie Easton and Katherine A. List note: “When we are looking for a partner for life, we need a lot of things from him: similar values, common interests, great sex, the same gastronomic tastes. And you can find mutual understanding with a much wider range of people – you just need to stop trying them on the role of “together and forever”¹.

Instead of searching for “the same” person, polyamorous people get the opportunity to choose and self-knowledge. After all, even sex with different partners allows you to discover new manifestations of your personality – for example, through such types of intimacy that the main partner is not interested in.

Polyamory test

It is important to remember that polyamory is not for everyone. First of all, this is not a way to stir up or improve relationships that do not suit you – if your couple already has problems, then the appearance of other people can only increase their manifestations. First ask yourself if you feel good with your partner, if you really want to be with him. Maybe out of habit you continue to stay in a relationship that has long outlived its usefulness? In this case, you should first listen to yourself and your desires, and then look for happiness in another (or others).

Many try to become polyamorous under the influence of partners or environment and end up feeling miserable. In a couple, both should be equally ready and interested in such changes, so a healthy polyamorous relationship through self-sacrifice is impossible.

The next step is to determine how “compatible” you are with a non-monogamous relationship. If you don’t want to share your partner with another person and don’t have the emotional strength to maintain a close relationship with someone else, polyamory is not for you.

Code of Polyamorous Relationships

The common idea that polyamorous people forgo monogamy because they avoid responsibility is nothing more than a stereotype. In a polyamorous relationship, not only are the questions inherent in more familiar forms of communication preserved, but new, specific ones are added: “Will my partner like my new girlfriend?”, “How to find time and energy for all partners?”, “What to say to a child?” And it will not be possible to solve them without taking responsibility for your life.

As in any other relationship, rules are important in polyamory – conscious, mutually agreed upon and flexible. Whether it’s about budget, home, or sexual relationships, agreements are based on caring for feelings. You will have to decide whether what you want is comfortable for your partner, whether it is important for your relationship. The trial period – the limited duration of the agreement – will show what to do with it next. If it does not work as you would like, then it can be revised or completely removed.

There is no official set of rules – even the concept of “treason” depends on the agreements of the partners themselves. For one, it is important that the partner always spend the night at home, for the other, that his partner coordinates with him the choice of lovers. Sometimes the obligations of the parties do not coincide: what offends one may not be important for the other. So cheating in polyamorous relationships exists, and it is not about sex as such, but about the violation of agreements.

Non-monogamy and jealousy

“How not to be jealous of a partner?” is a popular question among those who are just getting acquainted with polyamory. Sex blogger Maria Chesnokova emphasizes: “There is no need to avoid emotions. But it is worth looking deep into, finding a problem and discussing it. Most often, jealousy is the fear of losing a partner or your own uniqueness, since he will have someone else. But in a polyamorous relationship, the uniqueness of partners is automatically asserted. Why have multiple identical partners? And as soon as the partner says what your uniqueness for him is, as a rule, it becomes easier.

However, for harmonious polyamorous relationships, one understanding of one’s uniqueness is not always enough.

Dossie Easton and Katherine A. List advise: “If you have a major relationship, it’s important to constantly emphasize it. Many do some things only with the main partners: special behavior in sex, a night in the same bed, affectionate words. Distinctive features may be in non-primary relationships.

Compression is also important in polyamorous relationships. This is an opportunity to experience a sense of joy from the fact that a partner feels good not only with you – both romantically and sexually. “It is important to enter this state with the awareness that it may not be one hundred percent. You may have fears and triggers that will interfere with sincere joy for your partner,” adds Maria Chesnokova.

It is not so easy to develop compersion in yourself and give up thoughts that the other person will be more interesting, slimmer, sexier. Getting to know a new partner of a loved one will be a step towards peace. At a minimum, you will dispel far-fetched fears, and at a maximum, you will become friends or lovers.

If you think that polyamorous relationships are the best form of intimacy for you, make sure that those with whom you want to share your life share your beliefs. Otherwise, this is a story about compromises, and one of the parties will feel great, while the other will be in a disadvantaged position. But, as we remember, the main thing in polyamory is “amor”. And love and suffering are hardly compatible with each other.

¹ Dossie Easton and Katherine A. List “Ethics of ********” (Gayatri, 2006).