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Spanking? I quit!
The spanking, the slapping, the slapping : we would be more than 80% of parents in France to have already given it to our children. Not to mention the hurtful words. This is called “ordinary educational violence”. Even when we are against it, even when we are convinced that it will not solve the problems, sometimes it goes away: “If I come home stressed from work and that in the evening, at home, my daughter does not obey simple things, it is she who takes… ”testifies Marie.
Prevent crises rather than punish
“Result: everyone gets angry. Profit: none! At such times, I realize that if I had been less tense in front of her, there could have been another way out. But what to do ? The solution, is it to hit my boss and my husband ?! ” No, but almost: lthe solution may be to communicate better between adults to clean up stressful relationships at work or as a couple (not necessarily easy!). Or failing to let off steam by hitting a pillow, uttering an animal cry or going through the “yoga postures” box before finding at home a little car that will need all your “zenitude” to do not go into a spin.
The mere fact of taking a real one-on-one moment with your treasure when you come home in the evening will certainly prevent many attacks of rage, tears or opposition: he needs to connect to you. If, after a day’s work, you are really unwilling to nest Lego with your kid, give him an activity to do alone, but by your side: time to heat up the meal and wash the dishes from the house. day before, offer him peas to shell and rinse at leisure in a bowl filled with water, it will excite and appease him.
Pass the baton so as not to crack
“Unlike my son, my daughter sometimes gets into such states that I have the impression that nothing will be able to stop her,” says Sophie, mother and teacher. A slap on the butt doesn’t always calm him down, but this summer it was as effective as pushing an on / off button. ” It is effective immediately, but in the long term? “I do not think so. With my kindergarten students, I do not sometimes slap or spank (even if some parents have told me not to hesitate), but give a slap on the hand or isolate them for a while at the corner or in the hallway. However that does not satisfy me from a pedagogical point of view. The ideal is to get along well with the colleague next door and entrust her with the difficult child to manage. ”
Relieve the pressure
Passing the baton on to another adult : excellent idea ! In a couple, the one who feels the nervousness rising in him can leave the room to recharge his batteries at the other end of the apartment and entrust the management of the crisis to the other parent. It is not a question of surrender or abandonment. This momentary separation is not intended to punish the child, nor to tell him that he is no longer worthy of love and attention, but of reduce everyone’s pressure. It’s also to take a step back and talk later calmly with him about what happened, without making him feel guilty with words like “You never care”, “I’m not proud of you” or “ You saw the pain you caused your mother! ”.
Show him the example
If your child does not listen to you, be sure to set an example by learning to listen to him and to decipher his frustrations and his desires for autonomy. He wants to stack cushions in the living room when it’s strictly forbidden? Do not give in, while inviting him to do the same or something that he deems as exciting, but in his room. He refuses to put on the clothes you prepared for him early in the morning? In the future, try to choose them the day before in his presence or have him choose them, even if it means that he goes outside in a tank top in the heart of winter despite your warnings! In the street, he will quickly ask you for his sweater and will thus establish all alone, like a grown-up, a cause and effect link between outside temperature and clothing. More effective and more rewarding than a “good little spanking” on the diaper, no?
Serenity: the key to success
Whatever solution is found to resolve the conflict, always try towelcome your chick’s emotions as calmly as possible, even if they seem excessive to you… The concern is that a child who has, at some point in the day or in his development, attitudes considered negative and aggressive, is not particularly attractive. We don’t want to listen to him, we don’t want to devote time to him, we don’t want to hug him or tell him that we love him, when It is precisely in these moments that he needs us the most, for benchmarks and for benevolent firmness. A piece of advice that helps enormously to contain yourself and stay in empathy: put it in your head that your little one does not manipulate you, that he does not get angry in order to put you to the end, but only because he is invaded by emotions and desires that he does not yet express well in words or that he does not dare not express.
Spanking is not hereditary
Where does this habit of forcing a child to obey by hitting him, even lightly, or saying hurtful words come from? If we are not the direct descendants of Father Fouettard, we are indeed the children of our parents and the grandchildren of our grandparents, whose swift perhaps still drags in the attic… To break this transmission from generation to generation of what can be called “ordinary educational violence”, let us be aware of the models of conflict resolution that we have received from the people who raised us.
Mostly, let’s be aware of words and taps which perhaps continue to hurt us even today. Mockery, humiliation and gestures whose consequences can be: lack of self-confidence, withdrawal into oneself, unconstructive defiant attitudes (“Not even bad!”), Lack of curiosity, difficulty learning, aggressiveness, hyperactivity or sadness. By realizing that what we saw or lived in our childhood sometimes broke something precious in us, we will be tempted to find other solutions to resolve the conflicts that oppose us to our children, so as not to have them. “Break” in our turn!