Sometimes the main thing is to have a reliable person nearby who will hug and say: everything will be fine. And sometimes these words cause irritation and a feeling that we are not understood. What’s the matter? Don’t we want things to really get better?
What happens to us when a loved one feels bad? As a rule, we are worried about him, we want to help. Sometimes we feel his pain so keenly that it is not easy for us to endure it ourselves.
In this case, it is difficult for us to just be there, to help him live through the situation. We rush him so that he quickly “jumped out” of the painful experience, to feel good again. However, as much as we would like the change in his condition to come instantly, this is hardly possible.
Each experience takes time, just as an abrasion goes away on its own after a couple of days, and a serious wound needs more time and careful care. It is pointless to convince a person with a broken leg that everything is fine and to persuade him to play football right now. Yes, after some time, with proper care, the leg will heal, but today he is not able to run after the ball and probably feels physical pain. The situation with mental pain is much the same.
“Anti-support”
Encouraging another with the words “don’t worry, it’s not so scary,” we devalue his experiences, although we don’t want to do this. Now he can really experience fear, resentment, disappointment and other strong feelings. By insisting on our message, we seem to deny the depth of his experience, as if we were offering to play football in a cast.
It may seem to a person that he has no right to worry: after all, he is convinced that there is no reason for concern. His feelings only intensify, but in the space of communication there is no place for their expression. On a deeper level, he will feel that we are not ready to accept him with a spiritual wound, we want to see only positive and successful in him.
positive effect
But what changes in situations where the phrase “everything will be fine” magically works or we are even asked to say it? Most likely, a person experiences such strong and unpleasant feelings that it is extremely difficult for him to be in contact with them. He seeks to get rid of them as soon as possible, stop worrying, being afraid. There is a feeling that the earth is moving out from under your feet.
In this state, most of all I want to regain support. When we are asked to say this phrase, they want to see in us the confidence that a person lacks at the moment. And indeed, our resilience and stability can help him survive a difficult situation. However, the words are still not the most appropriate, even in such a case.
Strictly speaking, no one knows what the future holds, although we hope for a positive outcome. Such a phrase can give a person false hope. Perhaps she will bring short relief, but you should definitely not expect magic from her.
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How to help, not to harm?
When a person shares his feelings with us, first of all it is important for him to be heard. And it doesn’t matter at all whether his situation is serious from our point of view or so, it’s nothing. He wants us to share his experience, to recognize his emotions and his right to experience them.
Many people often want to give some advice, offer a solution to a problem. Instead of recommendations, it’s more important to just be around. Whatever words we choose, what matters is what we experience when we say them. If you talk about your empathy, but inside you think differently, most likely the person will notice it.
Don’t beat yourself up if you really don’t share his experience. Each of us has our own story and different reactions to what is happening. It is important to be honest both with others and with yourself, try to find the right words. For example: “It’s hard for me to fully understand what is happening to you now, but I can see that you are very sad.” So you show the person the main thing: you are there and ready to support. And this is the most important thing for someone who is now scared and hard.