What happens to us when a loved one feels bad? Usually we worry about him, sincerely want to help. “Everything will be fine,” we say the first thing that comes to mind, not realizing that we are devaluing his experiences. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. What is wrong with this phrase and why it is better to use alternative options, psychologist Tatyana Kirichenko explains.
If you say the words “Everything will be fine” to cheer up a person, then ten times out of a hundred they will work as some kind of emotional message. But what are they really about?
empty promises
Despite the meaning of individual words, this phrase, at least, is meaningless. And at the very least, destructive. In fact, this is just a hoax, because everything is good in life, by definition. Everything happens in life: both good and bad, both joy and sadness.
Everything will be fine, but what exactly is “everything”? Who? When? This phrase invites you not to notice reality, to lose contact with it, to stay in rose-colored glasses.
On the other hand, this is a promise that may well not come true. And, to be honest, rarely does anyone in the depths of their souls believe in what they say. Then why promise if you can’t predict the future? And if a person hoped, but the promise did not come true, then deep disappointment awaits him.
Devaluation of feelings
The most significant problem that arises in connection with the phrase «Everything will be fine» is the devaluation of experiences. For example, a person is sad. He is sad. He experiences failure, mourns the loss. And we say: «Everything will be fine.» What’s the message? “Don’t get upset. It’s all nonsense.»
Telling an upset person not to get upset is going against the natural course of mental processes. We seem to demand from him: “Don’t feel, don’t be, don’t live. Your feelings are not valuable, not important, not right.”
It is at this moment that there is a danger that a person will go into a fictional positive. And unlived emotions will remain inside and can result in psychosomatic diseases.
Looking down
Another important aspect: the phrase breaks the hierarchy. There are not so many senior figures in our life: parents, bosses. For some, these are power structures, for believers — God and saints. In other words, this is what is bigger than us — older, wiser, stronger. Those whom we trust a priori.
The phrase «Everything will be fine» is always pronounced from the position of the senior figure. Mom can promise that everything will be fine, but by doing so, she takes responsibility for her words. When this phrase is spoken by a person with whom you are on an equal footing, it seems to elevate him. A strong, stable and self-confident person pities you, so upset, lost and unhappy.
This approach is neither politically correct nor environmentally friendly. However, there are exceptions. For example, when it comes to spouses or close friends and when one of them asks the other for support. In this case, the one-time “Well, tell me that everything will be fine?” is the search for support, which is currently needed.
If this phrase is requested on an ongoing basis, then this most likely indicates the infantility of the asker, his uncertainty and unwillingness to solve the problem in effective ways. It’s easier to look for hope.
By the way, faith in this sense is a much more mature feeling. For example, if a person is in the hospital or is simply sick, then it is better not to say this phrase, but “I believe that you will cope and the disease will recede. I am very sorry that you are here. I understand that you are upset now, but let’s hope that soon you will feel better.
How to say otherwise?
This phrase has many alternatives. Whatever the situation, it is always better to sympathize with the person, to make it clear that you see how bad he is. For example, say: “You’re upset, it’s true. I see that you are sad. I hear your pain. I understand you and I sympathize with you very much.»
Pour tea, hug, take by the hand — any manifestation of care will show that you care. And such behavior will be much more constructive than promises that everything will be fine.
The same rule applies to children. If the child is ill, do not urge him not to be upset. It is much more important for him that you heard and understand: “Yes, baby, now you have failed. You lost your toy and are very upset. This is absolutely normal. I would be upset too if I lost my favorite toy.” Thus, you make it clear to the child that this is a natural process, part of life, and do not make a good face on a bad game.