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Where are our personal boundaries? How to increase self-esteem and learn not to give yourself offense? When do you need to say “no” even to the closest people? We deal with a psychotherapist.
Assertiveness is the ability to take care of your mental balance without violating the rights of other people. Do not confuse it with self-confidence, arrogance and aggression.
Each of us has an idea of our own boundaries – behavior that we consider acceptable from others.
- Bodily boundary – someone is calm about the fact that the interlocutor gets very close or even hugs, pats on the shoulder, and this behavior is unpleasant or shocking to another.
- We feel a violation of the time limit when we begin to get angry at someone who is late, who abuses our politeness, sitting up at a party or “watering” us with endless monologues about his life on the phone.
- Where is your communication boundary? From the very first meeting, a newly-made acquaintance switches to “you”, his speech is full of rude words and obscenities – this does not hurt one person, and the other wants to wash his hands every time after a conversation.
- You saw that someone was treated unfairly before your eyes, but kept silent, “passed by”, and then were tormented by a sense of guilt – this is how the boundary of the spiritual makes itself felt.
The surest sign of boundary violation is the feeling of discomfort that we experience during communication. Start to notice, “pass through the mind” such moments and note their strength – weak, moderate or very strong, when they really step on your throat. Part of the tension from the situation will immediately be removed, you will take a break, give yourself the opportunity to step back, look at everything calmly, without a heart. This is the first step towards assertiveness.
How to assert your boundaries
First of all, you need to be able to say “no”. Many of us find it difficult to refuse or to ask for something for ourselves. We often sacrifice our own interests in favor of others, as we are afraid to go into conflict and hear criticism or rudeness. As a result, irritation and aggression accumulate inside us. We feel insecure, unhappy and powerless. And also lonely, because it is not very pleasant to communicate with an unhappy, angry or, conversely, downtrodden person.
That’s why it’s so important to restore your boundaries – it’s not about putting someone in their place, but about taking care of your spiritual comfort. Calm, self-confident people smile more often, joke, laugh – it’s nice to be next to them, communication with them pleases, warms.
Start with small nos—situations where the feeling of discomfort is mild and you can safely re-establish your boundaries. You will see that the reaction of others will be completely different from what you expected and feared – in most cases it will surprise and please you.
Remind yourself that saying no when your boundaries are violated is important for your mental health. Very soon you will notice that defending the boundaries is getting better and better. Believe me, it’s no more difficult than learning to ride a bike – you just need to practice at every opportunity.
An example of assertive behavior according to Jane Austen
Remember the scene where the poor but proud girl Elizabeth Bennet had a conversation with the powerful Lady Katherine, the old woman with a nasty temper from Pride and Prejudice? Despite the flow of insults, Elizabeth does not lose her composure and politely but firmly defends her interests.
E: “If his choice fell on me, why couldn’t I take his hands?”. K: “Because honor, decency, prudence, finally, your own benefit forbid you to do this! Oh yes, Miss Bennet, that’s the benefit. You will be condemned, rejected and branded with the contempt of every person close to him, an alliance with you will be considered a shame. None of us will even remember your name… Stubborn, feisty girl! I’m ashamed for you!”
E: “That adds to your lordship’s predicament. But it doesn’t concern me. I do not know to what extent your nephew approves of your meddling in his affairs. But you, in any case, have no right to interfere with mine. Therefore, I am compelled to ask you to save me from further encroachments of this kind. K: “So you don’t care about the honor and reputation of my nephew? Selfish, insensitive girl!”
E: “Lady Katherine, I have nothing more to say to you. You know my feelings.” K: “So you decided to lure him?” E: “I didn’t say such things. I decided only to act in accordance with my own idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbhappiness and without regard for you or any other person equally distant to me.
Don’t be manipulated
You now do not have the opportunity to help your sister and sit with the child, but she does not seem to hear your arguments about urgent work and continues to insist, reminding you how she took care of you when you were a child. Therefore, you once again agree, feeling annoyed and offended because you are again acting to the detriment of your interests. This is an example of manipulation.
A typical parental manipulation of a boy or girl might sound like this: “How can you come home so late? I had a bad heart, you will drive me to the grave!” The parent is trying to evoke a sense of guilt in the child in order to subdue his requirements, “bind” to himself.
Never make excuses and do not explain anything to the manipulator – he does not seek truth in the dispute, his task is to achieve his goal. Such a person needs to set boundaries without further ado. If you do not put a “limiter”, the requirements will only grow. In the case of parental blackmail, for example, the technique of “sticking” on truth and lies works well: the truth is that I returned home late, but it’s not true that you will end up in the grave because of this, people don’t die from this.
Sue Hadfield
“Gain confidence in yourself. What does it mean to be assertive
This book is pleasant to hold in your hands: matte yellowish paper, wide margins, a lot of free space – it makes reading easier. And it is written in the best American traditions of popular psychology: very simply and clearly, with examples, conclusions, and recommendations.
If you feel that you are in a situation where they are trying to manipulate you, there is no need to guess what your interlocutor meant by his words – just ask him to explain what is happening. Ask a clarifying question for any word you don’t understand. A manipulator can be stopped with one question, because most often there is no meaning behind the manipulation – we bring it ourselves. Interview question: “Why did you run away from Company N?” “Sorry, I didn’t understand the question – what do you mean by the word “ran away”?
If we do not immediately let a person understand that his act, words, behavior are unacceptable for us, he will continue to behave as before, and the situation will escalate until it leads to an explosion.
How to behave in a conflict situation
It is very important to pause at the beginning – it will be easier if you imagine that your internal computer “freezes” for a moment. Realize how sharply you reacted – this will help at least to step back a little and relieve tension. Then ask yourself, “What is the best way for me to take care of myself right now? How much more am I ready to endure, where is my limit – I can still endure this, and then I will definitely take care of myself?
In situations of aggression or criticism, you can use the technique of “fogging” – we agree that our interlocutor thinks this way and not otherwise. “How awful you look today.” “Yes, you say I look bad today.” “You’re late, as always.” “Yes, you think I’m always late.”
On the one hand, this technique makes it possible to defend one’s boundaries, and on the other hand, not to get personal, not to slide into mutual abuse. A calm intonation is very important so that you feel in a conversation not lower and not higher than the interlocutor, but on an equal footing.
Once again, the main rule: the aggressor does not need to prove or explain anything, he needs to be stopped. Such a person roughly represents the reaction to his words – one will begin to make excuses with excitement, the other is passively silent. If, in response, the aggressor suddenly receives a “cold shower”, this confuses him.
Use the technique of “fogging” – agree with part of the truth in the statement of the interlocutor. The tone is like a cold shower, a minimum of emotions and words. It is your tone that should show that there is a limit that is not worth going beyond. Speak only about yourself through the I-statement. When you feel your inner truth, you don’t need many words.
At some stage, it is important to make a choice: do we want everyone to always consider us “white and fluffy”, or do we still begin to protect our borders, take care of ourselves, take care of our mental health? In the latter case, we get considerable bonuses, but it will take effort to learn how to defend our boundaries. And we will inevitably lose some relationship.