“Everything is in my hands”: how to stop making yourself a victim

If any of us are asked if we are victims, most will say no. In the understanding of people, this is something terrible and weak. We associate this word with criminal chronicles. The image that often arises in the mind is someone circled in chalk on the pavement.

But from a psychological point of view, sacrifice is an interpretation in which someone or something influences our achievements, mood and happiness. We are victims in different situations: in relationships with the boss, partner, child. One thing unites them — we find a reason to be offended and begin to manipulate. What does the victim believe? She usually has six beliefs. Let’s take a look at each.

• First conviction. The source of the problem is in the other person. Another person unreasonably rude to the victim, offended her.
• second conviction. Circumstances are above us. This is how life developed, there was no other way out of the situation. The victim is forced to go to study at this institute or sit out the evenings at an unloved job.
• Third conviction. Nothing can be changed, there is no choice. Motto: «I’m not like that, life is like that.»
• Fourth conviction. We are only a consequence, not the cause of what is happening in life. Someone else always influences life, our choice or attitude.
• Fifth conviction. Nothing depends on us. Favorite phrase: «Further on, nothing depends on me.» Fate is in the power of other people or events.
• Sixth conviction. The focus of attention is always in the past. The sacrifice concentrates on the breakfast that the wife did not prepare, on the flowers that the husband did not give. The whole day can not forget the driver who did not pass at a pedestrian intersection.

If you recognize yourself or someone close to you in these beliefs, keep the magic medicine.

Read and understand the phrase: «We always win the game we play.» Reread it as many times as necessary before continuing reading. When we choose to be the victim or blame someone else for failure, we do so because it benefits us so much. A person always does what brings bonuses, they are just different. Let’s look at a few reasons why it pays to be a victim.

• The first reason. The victim gets attention, people listen carefully and empathize. Sometimes you can even get something material. It happens that, for example, forgive debts.
• The second reason. You can’t change anything in life. «If everything depends on the neighbor in the stairwell, what can I do?»
• The third reason. You can let go of emotions and stop controlling them. A woman can cry, a man can fight.

But where there is benefit, there is always a price. There is a price to pay for being a victim. Below is a short price list. It has only two currencies, but the most expensive ones are happiness and health. Choosing this position, we pay with the happiness that we could get from strong relationships, communication with relatives. Most diseases are psychosomatic, their causes are resentment. Just what constitutes the main «wealth» of the victim.

Now that we’ve dealt with beliefs and benefits, let’s consider if there’s a different way to look at things. The answer is yes. You can look at what is happening from the position of authorship. If necessary, repeat the mantra every day: «Everything depends on me, I can manage any circumstances and any situations.»

Ask yourself questions: “Where is my focus of attention: in the past or in the future? What is my goal? What do I want to build in this relationship? At this point, an interpretation of authorship is created.

If you look around, most people choose the victim interpretation. Even if you are one of them, there is an opportunity to change everything. Take a sheet of paper and at the top write the situations in which you choose the role of the victim. In the left column, indicate the benefits you get, all the pluses. And in the right column — everything you pay with. Think about what is more valuable to you.

It is not easy to change habitual behavior, it is not easy to give up a position in which you are sympathized. Every time you feel the urge to blame bad luck or a cunning colleague for your failures, take a look at the right column. Perhaps admitting your own mistakes and starting to work on the mistakes is not so difficult and certainly cheaper than paying for treatment and restoring relationships with loved ones.