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Nothing pleases them: neither what fate gives them, nor what they achieve on their own. Why are some of us so often disappointed?
28-year-old Julia always finds a reason to be upset: “I dreamed of participating in a new project, put a lot of effort into it, and when I was included in the group, I was disappointed – this work turned out to be as routine as the previous one. I was looking forward to a vacation in order to finally go to the sea, how to relax and enjoy the peace, but everything turned out to be wrong there: the hotel room was shabby, the heat was terrible, and the beach was crowded. For two weeks I was angry and scolded myself for going at all. And it’s always like this: no matter what life brings me, I understand that I want something else.”
“Reality never fully meets our expectations, but we can put up with it,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. – Although some of us, like Yulia, perceive such an “imperfection” of the world around us too painfully: such people are always dissatisfied, annoyed, criticize and devalue everything around. And all this because it is difficult for them to enjoy and appreciate the good that is in their lives.
Unwillingness to limit yourself
With such a feeling lives the one who in childhood was excessively surrounded by care and attention, whose desires were fulfilled even before he had time to formulate them. “Such children grow up with the conviction that all their needs and desires must be fulfilled immediately, because they simply do not know that life is arranged differently,” explains Alexander Orlov. – It is difficult for them to limit themselves, it is not easy to make a choice, because they are used to getting “everything at once.” But since this is not feasible in adulthood, they experience constant frustration and a sense of dissatisfaction.
Eugene, 33 years old, marketer “I learned to appreciate myself”
“Always, wherever I was, whatever I did, I felt irritation: all the time I was missing something to feel truly satisfied. Thanks to psychoanalysis, I was able to find the main cause of my discomfort. There are two brothers in our family, and all my life it seemed to me that my parents love the elder more: after all, he was always the first in school, and in sports, and at the institute. I tried very hard, but could not keep up with him. And so all my successes brought me only disappointment. And only now, having grown older, I realized that I have the right to my place regardless of my brother: I stopped comparing myself with him and learned to appreciate what I managed to achieve.
What to do?
Notice what you like
Pay attention to any occasion (even a very small one) that will allow you to feel pleasure. Use affirmative sentences. For example, say to yourself this: “The weather was very pleasant today – not hot and not cool, that’s how I like it”; “In the evening they will show a film that I have long wanted to see.”
speak positively
Try to formulate your opinions and assessments in a positive way. Instead of “The exhibition is interesting, but there were a lot of people,” try this: “The exhibition was very crowded, but it was worth it!” When we end a sentence on a positive note, it means that we are ready to continue the dialogue.
Formulate your desires
Focus on yourself: what do you really want? Ask yourself: “What am I missing in order to be satisfied?” Formulate your desires, choose those that can really be realized, and then think about exactly how you can achieve what you have planned.
Fear of being happy
“My friend reproaches me for criticizing everyone and always being dissatisfied with myself and my own achievements,” says 32-year-old Oleg. “And she’s right: I don’t seem to know how to rejoice at all.” Constantly dissatisfied people really always grumble and complain. And they do it out of superstition: they are afraid that if they only recognize something pleasant in their lives, it will disappear at the same moment. “This behavior speaks of an unconscious refusal to be happy,” explains psychoanalyst François Roustang. – Strong (unconscious) feelings of guilt and fear of loss can be the cause. As a rule, they are associated with experiences from early childhood, when a child at the age of three or five first feels that he experiences too much pleasure from loving a parent of the opposite sex. As an adult, he will not be able to trust what brings pleasure, feeling the inappropriateness of this feeling and at the same time afraid of losing it.
Imitation of parents
In many ways, we perceive the world in the same way as our parents. “When they are attentive to the little things, immediately evaluate everything they see, constantly criticize others, the child, having no other role models, adopts their style of perception and attitude to life,” says Alexander Orlov. Such an attitude greatly distorts the perception of reality, because a person “grabs” only negative features from it, ceasing to pay attention to the fact that it also contains something pleasant, joyful.
Advice to an outsider
You should not sympathize with the complaints of someone who is always dissatisfied – this will not change his attitude to life. On the contrary, note when he manages to show responsibility: choose from his often conflicting desires and then accept the consequences of this decision. For example, going to the sea means putting up with the fact that it will be hot, but you can get a wonderful tan. Paying attention to such examples, you help to understand that you have to pay for any pleasure, and by refusing some opportunities, limiting yourself in some way, we do not impoverish our lives at all.