Contents
You understand that it is necessary to assert your authority in communicating with a child … But how can this look in practice? There are no magic recipes, but some ideas might help you.
How to assert your authority – balanced, calm and productive? To begin with, it is useful to part with the principle “do as I say, not as I do.” To educate means to set an example, all our experts agree with this. It is useless to try to establish rules and laws that we ourselves do not follow.
The second principle is clarity and constancy. Saying “no” a hundred times a day, repeating the same things over and over is a thankless task. But no child will learn fuzzy, ambiguous, arbitrary, or vaguely worded rules. If it seems to him that the parents themselves are not sure of the need to comply with these rules, the matter will be spoiled.
Another important principle is to respect the place of everyone in the family. The basis of authority should be the consciousness of the difference in age. Children, even grown up, are still not adults in miniature. Treating them “as if on an equal footing”, adults only cause them anxiety. The concept of generational difference is necessary for children to self-determine.
These principles apply regardless of how old the child is; only the content of the prohibition depends on the age. “Easier said than done!” You might think… and you’d be right. A few typical situations, on the example of which we will try to determine the main guidelines.
Before 2 years
The child begins to walk and actively explores the world around him: the first rules and restrictions are aimed at ensuring his safety. Encourage his discoveries, but point out the dangers. And firmly say “no!”: He will understand you, even if he cannot answer.
“The younger the child, the more often the violation of the boundaries of what is permitted is associated with his natural curiosity, the desire to find out, try, feel,” explains developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. “A properly organized space will help to maintain the necessary balance between “yes” and “no”: if possible, remove from the “action zone” what is dangerous for the child’s life and (or) valuable to you.”
We are responsible for our words
Any violation of the established boundaries must be sanctioned – only then our words will have weight. If we limit ourselves to threats, they stop believing in us.
“The child himself experiences a certain relief after being punished,” says Tatyana Bednik. “It allows him to make amends for his wrongdoing and free himself from guilt.”
Of course, punishment should be reasonable. It makes no sense to force him to write “I won’t lie anymore” a hundred times. Let him clean up what he has soiled, return what he took without permission, do something useful. It is important to make the child understand the consequences of his actions: breaking the rules, he will imagine what he is doing. If (in exceptional cases) punishment did not follow, he needs to explain why this happened.
From 2 3 years up
He doesn’t agree with anything. This is the time when the child makes the first attempts to separate from adults, to find his own individuality, so do not be surprised if he reacts with a refusal to everything that you offer him. So he emphasizes his independence, independence. Be flexible, replay his stubbornness by switching attention to another activity. Rigidity and the use of force will only lead to defeat. When you forbid your child to run across the street or touch the outlet, explain that this is not just your whim, but necessary for his safety.
He beats other children, bites, breaks their toys. Be firm in forbidding the child to hurt others and himself. “The ban on violence must be unconditional,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “This is the basis from which children learn to respect other people and the laws of society.” Sometimes parents use force to make the child feel what his actions lead to.
“When you are bitten back, you really feel that it hurts,” continues Galina Burmenskaya, “but such “mirroring” is possible only in exceptional cases. Physical punishment is painful, humiliating, and causes fear and aggression in the child.” Talk to your child, every time look for words that will help explain to him that his behavior is dangerous, teach him to act without resorting to violence.
He refuses to eat. Pouting at the table is a common method of influencing adults. The child takes pleasure in tickling the nerves of the parents where they are especially vulnerable.
The more emotionally you react, the harder you try to get him to eat or entertain him by pretending to be an “airplane” and so on, the more he resists. Do not support his game: dinner risks turning into a heavy duty, instead of becoming a moment of close communication. Relieve tension: with him, eat with appetite yourself, diversify the dishes that you offer him, and let him eat as much as he wants.
From 3 6 years up
He wants to marry mom (marry dad). Psychoanalysts call this age the period of the oedipal complex, when the child experiences love for the parent of the opposite sex and aggression, the desire to eliminate the parent of the same sex. This is the moment to form a clear prohibition against incest.
“The child needs to be clearly told that he will never be able to marry his mother (marry his father), says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. Acceptance of this fact is the key to normal development. Children should also be prohibited from sleeping in the same bed as their parents.”
Prohibitions are best complemented with a positive perspective: “When you grow up big, you will also meet and fall in love with a beautiful woman (man).”
Every child needs tenderness, affection, bodily contact with their parents. “This non-verbal communication helps children navigate life, gives a feeling of support from mom and dad,” says Tatyana Bednik. – If the child shows an excessive need for caresses, as they say, “sticks”, explain to him that tenderness can also be expressed with the help of words, that it is not at all necessary to touch each other and hug. Through the word, we will help him establish a distance.”
He masturbates in public. Masturbation is the natural exploratory need of every child. It is not worth banning it on one condition: if he sometimes does this, then in his room, where no one sees him. This is the perfect time to talk to your child about their body.
“Tell him that everyone has intimate places and no one has the right to look at them or touch them, since his body belongs only to him,” advises Tatyana Bednik. Also, do not let your child watch films “for adults”: do not think that he “does not understand anything yet.”
He refuses to go to school. The child has got into unfamiliar territory with his own rules, and he needs time to adapt. In addition, he remains without his family for a long time, and this also needs to get used to.
Listen to him, try to understand his feelings, but do not give in to persuasion. Sometimes it is difficult for a mother to resist children’s perseverance; at this moment, a third person may join the situation: a father, an uncle, or one of the family’s friends. It is easier for him to explain to the child that the time has come to become an adult. But it often happens that psychologically at the age of seven or seven and a half, the child is not yet ready to start school life. A psychologist can help you figure this out.
Prohibitions “good” and “bad”
“Good” prohibitions give the child an idea of the boundaries without which he cannot live. “Bad” suppress his natural needs and desires, his personality. They run the risk of turning the child into an obedient object, subject to the authoritarian power of adults. A few examples from real life.
- Sleep. We do not require the child to sleep if he does not feel like it … But we can tell him to go to his room at the set time. If he does not want to sleep, then he may well play and fall asleep later, but there should be no question of him leaving the room.
- Is. We cannot require a child to eat if he is not hungry, or force him to eat something that he absolutely does not like. Only he himself can judge his appetite and his tastes. But you can’t cook “meals to order” for him every day. If he doesn’t like one dish, let him move on to the next.
- Dress. The child may well choose the style and color of the clothes that you buy him. And the adult, for his part, has the right to determine the maximum possible price of the thing, explaining this limitation to the child.
- Study. In secondary school, the child can organize his own time after school. He is already able to decide when to start classes and what task to start with. But his parents have the right to demand that the lessons be done by a certain hour.
From 7 10 years up
He cheats in class. “Cheating is included in the code of honor of the children’s community,” explains Galina Tsukerman. – To write off means to share, to help a friend. Remember: as a child, you probably taught your child to share toys and sweets, to help friends. At school, these good lessons are rethought in favor of cheating.
Try to emphasize that this is just not good for his classmates and that in the end cheating will do him a disservice, as he deprives himself of knowledge. It is also important to understand what difficulties the child faced and why he had to write off again today himself. And of course, try to help him.
He does not want to clear the table, clean up the room. Remember how you reacted to the desire of a young daughter or son to help wash the dishes. Maybe they sent you to play so you wouldn’t be disturbed?
“Now, having grown older, children just continue the same style of behavior,” explains Galina Tsukerman. At this age, you can talk to your child about what constitutes the basis of life in society – about the rights and duties of everyone, about the division of housework – and remind him that there are simply no rights without duties. Therefore, if a child wants, for example, to go to the cinema, he, for his part, must do what he is obliged to do.
When a child becomes a tyrant
All children are naughty or naughty. But where is the line beyond which a child turns into a tyrant? Children’s psychologist Elena Morozova answers our questions.
Psychologies: What exactly does the term “tyrant child” imply?
Elena Morozova: Whims help children to insist on their own, to achieve what they want, to express their anxiety or discontent. In a sense, this is a universal (childish) mechanism for communicating with adults. During periods of age crises (3 years, 11-12 years), disagreement with the elders, resistance begins to dominate. This helps children grow up: they learn to understand themselves, to defend their opinion.
Some become tyrants at the moment when their demands begin to touch all areas of family life. They try to force their parents to rearrange their lives depending on their desires. Finding that scandal or tears get their way, the child uses them again and again and completely subjugates the parents. Pressure on adults can also be hidden: for example, a child may constantly complain that something hurts him.
Who is this tyrant child you describe?
It can be both a boy and a girl, often the only or eldest child in the family. He often tries to dominate his mother than his father, especially when he feels her anxiety, helplessness.
How should parents behave? Be less empathetic?
Why is it necessary to be sensitive and attentive. We must learn to distinguish between manifestations of trouble and discontent. If the child is anxious, if he is sick, adults, of course, should help and support him. When he is simply dissatisfied and blackmails them with his behavior, it is important to be consistent, patient and firm.
Should a tyrant be punished?
It won’t solve the problem. It is important to understand what is causing his anxiety by asking him or yourself questions. And do not hesitate to contact a specialist if you feel confused.