Evaluative thinking: how to stop dividing into “good” and “bad”

Everyone goes through the stage of the so-called division of the world into «black» and «white». It all starts at six months, when we learn to perceive something good and bad separately: full or hungry, a toy was given or taken away, parents are nearby or left.

“First, understanding occurs at the level of the body, then emotions and relationships are connected,” says the clinical psychologist. It lives inside each of us. And in stress, a person again finds himself in such a story. Psychoanalysts note: the more anxiety and fear, the stronger the categorical thinking.

When the society is comfortable, the economic and political situation is stable, people are more loyal and reasonable, treat others with understanding. As soon as security is taken away from them, they begin to divide the world into «bad» and «good»: everyone is the enemy, but we are wonderful. The more internal anxieties a person has, the stronger the need to control. He becomes more categorical.

Categorical and stereotyped thinking

Everyone has a topic that, due to past circumstances, causes a categorical reaction. This is absolutely normal. Here is stereotyped thinking — this is about grandparents, from whom we got the attitudes «what is good and what is bad.»

“Usually these are very self-confident people who will analyze in detail and tell where is black and where is white, they will teach you how to live,” the expert explains. — But their point of view is based on other people’s views, for example, an authoritative family member. We can say that his voice constantly sounds inside a person, forcing him to think in patterns. But he is so understandable and comfortable.”

Compromise and value thinking

Why is it difficult for many to compromise or allow that someone may not share their point of view? Sometimes it seems that the ego is to blame for everything: it is simply impossible to accept the fact that the other is right. Even if a person deep down realizes a mistake, he will never admit it, because it is a shame not to know something, not to understand, not to be able to.

“This is usually formed in childhood. Some painful situation in the past prevents us from making concessions today,” says Anastasia Belan. — As a rule, these are two strategies. First: a person often lost or was humiliated and bullied. Then he grew up and said: “I don’t go there again.” This extends to everything, even to the manner of communication. The second story: children who have always been «number one» in everything. We call them spoiled. In fact, it’s hard for them in life, because they don’t know how to lose, they don’t know how to be second and third.

The categorical nature of Internet commentators

Very often, especially on social networks, you can see how people are proud of their categoricalness. What is it connected with? Are they trying to prove something or are they afraid to admit to themselves their hidden desires? For example: “I don’t understand same-sex marriage, this is my opinion, it will never change”, “I could not live with an adult man, it’s taboo for me” and so on.

“There is such a thing as “reactive formation” — psychological protection, when a negative turns into a positive and vice versa,” explains Anastasia. — For example: I am afraid of cockroaches, but I pretend that I even like them. Or ardent opponents of betrayal, which in fact turn out to be the wrong partners. Outwardly, this is manifested in categorical and rigidity. Especially in social networks, it is easier to speak out, because the frames are removed, everything is confidential. When I don’t have internal messages, I won’t even think of reacting to someone’s photo by leaving a negative comment.”

Benefits of value thinking

Sometimes it seems that categorical people are very correct: they have a life script that they adhere to. Permissiveness often goes against the law, and evaluation helps to develop and achieve more, directs to the right goals. But everything is good in moderation. “The main thing is to avoid distortions: excessive perfectionism and the feeling that everything around is wrong are born from critical thinking,” says the psychologist. But criticism can also be directed to good. We often listen to experts, such as doctors. In such situations, an evaluative opinion should be used if it is supported by relevant knowledge and experience.

«Cure» for categorical

If you are tired of being categorical, learn to relax and try to deal with anxiety — where did it come from and what fuels it. If your inner voice keeps telling you that you’re not good enough, you may have been compared to the neighbor’s kid against you as a child.

“In therapy, I tell clients: well, you have a prosecutor, but where did the lawyer go? I teach to conduct a dialogue: the accused and the defense. If, for example, the mother was a critic, and the father was always supportive, then you can deal with the problem yourself using this approach. If there has never been support and a person in adulthood out of habit continues to humiliate and suppress himself, then it is better to seek professional help.

But how to respond to the evaluative thinking of people who have either «black» or «white»? You can ignore strangers, but what about loved ones? They do it not from evil, and you will not swear with them all your life.

“I recommend not arguing – it’s useless,” advises Anastasia. — It is useless to prove to your mother that you do not want to get married before the age of forty, because she is worried. Try to answer the categoricalness of relatives with questions. They teach you, scold you, and you ask: “Well, what do you think? Why do you think it’s better this way?» Show genuine interest. It is possible in this way to reverse, to get out of the vicious circle. This leads to a stupor, people either immediately translate the topic, or lag behind, because they do not know what to answer. There is no aggression in this.»

Value thinking is associated with safety and anxiety. If you judge others, consider your own secret desires. Perhaps you just want the same? If your inner critic haunts you, relax and learn to see a whole palette of colors, not just “black” and “white”.