And the woman herself is turned into a disheveled chicken without a grain of common sense in her head.
As far as I can remember, I have always worried about everyone. Fear could roll in suddenly – sticky, twisting the belly into a ball. There was a persistent feeling: something happened to someone close to me. To calm down, I needed to talk to my parents, to make sure that everything was okay with them. Let go.
Then the husband added to the fears. I still get nervous if he is away for a long time after work. Twitching when he meets friends. I worry when he goes fishing. I panic if he does not pick up the phone for several calls.
I thought it couldn’t be more alarming. When the child was born, I realized: these were flowers.
We have all seen the picture: a child is standing on the playground, holding a scoop in his hands, lost. And an adult hangs over him, or even two. A lonely cell in the fresh air, instead of walls and bars – mom and grandmother. I thought that I would never be like this, my child will have a normal childhood to run, jump, climb. Yeah, now.
No, at first there was a pregnancy. Nine long months in which I almost lost my mind. Well, at least that’s what it seemed to me. Previous frozen, three save, four months of injections in the abdomen. Anyone would go nuts. I am for sure. I don’t remember how many ultrasounds I had. Eight? Or ten? The main thing is to make sure: alive, the heart beats. And you can calm down a little. For about five days.
I have been in this state – on the eternal platoon – for seven and a half years. Temperature? Fearfully. The cough does not go away for several weeks? Very scary, I see all the symptoms of a serious illness. Calm down in the room for a couple of minutes? He just put something in his mouth and choked. Is it time to go to kindergarten? I’m in a swoon!
I always worry about my son. I start to panic when he is out of sight for more than twenty seconds. Even if he had just, in front of my eyes, he went behind the racks with clothes in the store. I get nervous if I need to go out for 10 minutes with the dog and leave him alone at home. No, well, there is a reason, a year ago it closed from the inside, and I could not get home. Therefore, every time before going out, I make him say out loud what should not be done. This is already a tongue twister: touch the windows, touch the stove, twist the locks.
And this is no longer a kindergartner. This is a schoolboy, first grade! Oh, how worried I am when I can’t get through to him if he is at school … And when he forgets his GPS watch at home and I don’t see where he is, it’s like on pins and needles for half a day. It seems to me all the time: he is about to leave school for some reason or someone will lure him out of there, and I will lose him.
By the way, I almost lost it once. At school. I ran through the floors, looked into the classrooms, and was covered with hysteria. A tight spring was twisting in my stomach. She scolded herself with the last words: how she let go without a connection. The head understood, well, he cannot get away from here, the watch does not let out the kids alone. But what kind of mind is there …
About five minutes later I found chess in the study, went to additional classes. From now on, between “being late for lessons, but returning home for hours” or “going without them,” I choose to be late.
The son is very fond of huge game centers. And I hate them, because he is always lost from sight in these intricate labyrinths.
Ask, what about trust? I’ll be the first to answer you: yes, you have to trust a child, especially a boy, you cannot keep him by his mother’s skirt, he will grow up to be a dependent, infantile person … and further in the text.
I am ideally grounded in theory. Only at a critical moment instincts take over the brain. As if at a click, a calm, balanced adult woman becomes a stupid, quacking hen, foolishly tossing about and tearing feathers on her chest.
And I even understand the source of the problem. “The less you know, you sleep better” – this is not about modern society. And I also have this job: to study crime reports every day. Hair stands on end from the amount of child abuse. Add to this a number of missing child announcements, child bullying … how can you stay calm?
I very often scold him not for his act, but for his own anxiety. Well, what is it about the fact that he was late for half an hour on chess? But I was worried for half an hour, 15 times I wrote him messages.
Once, when I was not at home, my dad sent him to the store alone (note: he actually followed, but his son did not notice him).
– You have no idea how much happiness there was, – then my husband told me. – He asked me five times: is it true that he can go alone, alone.
I almost killed him, honestly. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, somewhere in the depths of my soul I was even grateful. I definitely couldn’t.
I console myself with the fact that anxiety is good.
On the other hand, my anxiety can be useful. I manage to catch serious illnesses in the early stages. Already by ear, I understand the nuances of coughing and understand when I can handle it myself, and when I need to see a doctor. At first, those close to me laughed at me, they say, fly my head. But after two severe bronchitis, which might not have happened if they believed me, no one now even doubts if I say that a doctor is needed.
Of course, he is already slowly beginning to break free from my overprotection. He grows up, he wants independence. Yes, and classmates will chuckle. And more and more, gritting my teeth, I try to contain my anxiety and not show him that I am afraid or worried. I try to instill in him important qualities that will help me not to worry: responsibility, punctuality. After all, it turns out that I broadcast to him all the time? The world is dangerous and cannot be trusted. This is a completely wrong attitude, even if I think so myself.
I often think: we somehow grew up. And no phones. And without a clock with coordinates. I remember how, returning from music school in the winter, I mixed up the buses. Then she got into the right one, and he got stuck in a traffic jam. I was late for home more than an hour. Perhaps my mom was very anxious. But she didn’t show it to me. We ran away for a walk to distant sites, climbed in garages, equipped ourselves with shelters in basements. We had a happy childhood. And what is my child like?