Love lives for three years, say either biochemists or French writers. And this is at best, add the cynics. In our unromantic age, about love that lasts a lifetime, few dare to speak seriously. However, the facts show that eternal love is much more common than we are led to believe.
The three conditions for a long-term romantic relationship—an intense experience of love, sexual desire, and enduring emotional attachment—can seem out of reach. But it is rather a kind of negative illusion, maintained in us by society and culture.
Science says that “they lived a long time and died on the same day” romantic love is indeed possible. Despite high rates of divorce, infidelity and marital dissatisfaction around the world, things are not all that hopeless. Psychologist Daniel K. O’Leary and his team at the University of Illinois found1that 40% of couples who have been married for more than ten years admit that they still have passionate feelings for each other. In couples who have lived together for 30 years or more, 40% of women and 35% of men claim that they are still in love with their chosen ones.
40% of couples who have been married for more than ten years admit that they still have passionate feelings for each other
Well, these are just the results of polls, their participants are deceiving themselves and others, pessimists will shrug their shoulders. But in defense of eternal love come objective methods of research.
Psychoneurologist Bianco Acevedo of Stony Brook University and colleagues2 analyzed the activity of the brain regions responsible for falling in love in people who have been married for an average of 21 years, and in those who fell in love very recently. Similar brain activity was observed in both groups, and in both cases, the brain centers of reward and motivation were involved. These findings suggest that not only can we love each other for years, we can fall in love with each other over and over again.
Our brains respond positively to long-term romantic relationships, says positive psychologist Adoree Durayappah-Harrison. “The key to finding long-term romantic love is understanding its scientific basis. Our brain perceives long-term passionate relationships as a “profitable” style of behavior. The “benefit” may be reduced levels of anxiety and stress, and feelings of security, peace and togetherness,” she says.
Interestingly, although the number of divorces today is much higher than in the past, long marriages are now much more likely to become not a social screen, but a true reflection of deep feelings between people. Marriage has ceased to be a necessary tool for survival. On the one hand, he has become more fragile, but, on the other hand, he is less likely to be a trap for one or both spouses.
Long-term alliances are much stronger today, but achieving happiness in marriage now requires much more work on yourself.
“Long-term alliances are much stronger today in terms of the satisfaction and well-being of their members,” says Eli J. Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University. However, achieving happiness in marriage now requires much more personal effort and work on yourself.
“Because these days, expectations in marriage are not limited to basic human needs, the psychological payoff from long-term relationships has become much greater,” he notes. However, in order for them to last, each partner must devote a significant amount of time and energy to this relationship.
1 D. К. O’Leary et al. «Is long-term love more than a rare phenomenon? If so, what are its correlates?», Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2012, № 3(2).
2 B. P. Acevedo et al. «Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love», Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 2012.