Contents
Listen to a conversation, examine the contents of a mobile phone, read other people’s emails … Yes, it is possible, although illegal. But why do we so desperately want to know the whole truth about a partner?
Basic Ideas
- We can openly discuss our doubts, but suspiciousness and self-doubt prevent us from doing this.
- We need security, but we confuse it with control, turning the partner from the subject of the relationship into the object of our manipulations.
- Love has nothing to do with it; espionage is always a matter of power and subordination, and this is why it is dangerous for two.
Stealthily checking what’s in your husband’s pockets, squinting at your wife’s phone while she’s scrolling through messages… How many can resist such a temptation? And although psychologists do not get tired of repeating that only relationships based on trust are useful for our development, we are attracted and worried about other people’s secrets. In addition, new tools – software and special equipment – make it easy to satisfy your curiosity about the part of the life of partners that they do not consider it necessary to share. “Despite my inexperience, I uploaded the program to my husband’s phone in two minutes – he didn’t even have time to return from a smoke break! Thank you, now he is in full view!” – says Muscovite Anastasia. “I was amazed that the program, even without GPS, determines the location of the phone with some accuracy. I sit all day and watch where my wife goes, ”Dmitry writes from Novosibirsk. These reviews can be read on the website of one of the many companies that offer tracking software.
One in five Europeans has spied on their spouse at least once by secretly checking his (her) phone or computer*. This figure is underestimated, Gestalt therapist Marie José de Aguiar is sure: “I would say every second. Surveillance ceases to be something out of the ordinary. Perhaps it is because modern society encourages individualism and a sense of omnipotence in us, and we begin to think that there are no boundaries at all, or that we can move them at will, controlling other people.
Read more:
- Why do we remain faithful
Victims and Persecutors
The availability of spy technology is seductive in itself. At the slightest suspicion, you can resort to them to dispel your doubts. But where do the doubts come from? Some of us are prone to them due to our nature. “These are jealous, anxious people, those who easily begin to feel like a victim,” lists Marie-Jose de Aguiar. They are not sure that their attractiveness and intelligence are enough to keep another next to them. In their imagination, they draw scenarios of an unfavorable development of events and, in order to protect themselves from the alleged threat – deceit, betrayal – they resort to surveillance, turning from potential victims into very real persecutors. Surveillance is supposed to dispel their doubts, but in fact it feeds them. “After hearing a remark taken out of context, they tell themselves that anything is possible and they need to continue to follow,” notes Marie-Jose de Aguiar.
However, doubts are not always the lot of suspicious people. Sometimes changes in a partner’s behavior are real: he stays at work more often, she registers on a dating site … “Couples who have been together for a long time go through different periods, including temporary separation,” recalls sexologist Irina Panyukova. Someone who feels less confident in a relationship may experience anxiety … But even in this case, there is a choice – whether to talk about their doubts with a partner directly or try to find out what’s wrong behind his back. There are computer programs that allow you to receive another person’s e-mail and delete messages before he has time to read them. It would seem that with their help you can protect yourself by preventing relationships outside the family. But this is the wrong way. Surveillance of a partner turns him from an equal subject of relations into an object of manipulation. And even if he did the same thing earlier, by our actions we will not correct this circumstance, but will exacerbate it. “Some justify their actions by saying that the other“ first started ”, doing something without informing me, which means that I have the right to respond in kind,” says Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova. – But such a formulation of the question introduces hostility into the relationship, the partner ceases, in essence, to be a partner AND turns into a rival who should be outwitted.
Read more:
- Infernal Circle of Jealousy
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- Do women cheat just like men?
Not love, but power
Some people believe that keeping an eye on another means taking an interest in their life. And to allow yourself to be watched means to be ready to prove your love. “Spying has nothing to do with love. It is always a question of power,” Marina Baskakova is convinced. One of the partners does something that may affect the life of the other (this is not necessarily a betrayal, he, for example, can borrow a large amount of money without informing the other), – And thereby begins to control the life of his partner, leaving him in the dark. He is worried and tries to figure out what’s going on. There are two ways here. The first option – he asks a direct question and receives a direct answer to it. At this point, the relationship becomes truly partnership: the two can openly discuss the situation, exchange information and decide together what to do. The second option – he asks what is happening, but instead of an honest explanation, he receives in response: “Nothing”, “Leave me alone” or a counter-accusation: “Again you with your questions!” That’s when the temptation arises to resort to various “auxiliary” means. Sometimes, having received confirmation of their guesses, one of the two can really calm down. Uncertainty is so unbearable for some that they prefer any, even the saddest, certainty,” emphasizes Marina Baskakova. And here again there are two options: either decide alone what to do with this information, and perhaps use it to your advantage, or try to discuss it with a partner. Of course, there is a possibility that he will again leave the discussion. Then there will be nothing left but to conclude that he is not interested in an equal relationship. However, in this case, we will be dealing with the reality of our relationship, and not with our own suspicion and dark fantasy. Perhaps this option is not very comforting, but it is certainly closer to mental health than the swing between hope and despair, on which the consciousness of one who does not dare to open dialogue with another swings.
I followed my husband because I stopped trusting him
Natalia, 33 years old, landscaper
“Two months ago I installed spyware on my husband’s phone. I felt that something was happening, and it tormented me. At night, when he was sleeping, I looked into his phone and found messages in which an unknown woman wrote that she had been thinking about him all day … I was stunned. When I shared my discovery with him, he silently took my phone from me and erased all the messages in it. Then I decided to follow him, because I no longer believed him. And thanks to the program, I saw all his calls and letters, I knew where he was. Now she could only think about it, but she began to turn into a paranoid one. Although I didn’t find anything suspicious, the espionage did not restore my trust. And most importantly, I did not like the person I was becoming. So five days later I uninstalled the program myself. My husband understood that I was somehow watching him, and he was very nervous. And then suddenly he began to joke about this, saying that my imagination was running wild. Today, I no longer dig into his phone. He set a password, but I don’t try to find it out. What upsets me the most is that he never admitted to this flirting. But I realized that everything is relative, and I tell myself that if he wants to hide something, he will do it anyway. And I will eventually find out about it, because I have an intuition. And I trust her.”
Read more:
- We are being watched: why do we care?
Dangerous games
It’s hard to imagine a relationship that starts with installing spyware. As a rule, we meet with those to whom we want to open our thoughts, with whom we hope to share feelings and aspirations. Why does distrust replace community? It seems that at some point in the couple, the force of mutual attraction ceases to act and the habits brought from the parental family come into play. “We are bad at communicating on an equal footing,” notes Marina Baskakova, “and too often we raise the question of who is more important, who depends on whom, instead of establishing true partnerships.” Already in childhood, the child is told: “Do not interfere with adults,” which means “your needs are in second place, you are not in charge here.” So in a couple we build relationships in the same way – one of the partners is trying to control the other. Mutual respect is something we have to learn, and sometimes this learning is not easy for us.
Read more:
- Who and why (whom) is following the Internet?
“The invasion of the space of the other begins where the other closes the door without inviting us in,” notes Marie-Jose de Aguiar. “That doesn’t mean he’s hiding something, it’s just private.” Sometimes one of the partners, having discovered surveillance, does not say a word to the other and takes measures of “counter-espionage” to mislead him. “These pathological relationships are based on the desire to outplay the other,” continues Marie-Jose de Aguiar. “Behind them is a difficult personal history, more often this happens with those who were humiliated in childhood, denied respect.” Besides, it’s illegal**. Sometimes peeping and eavesdropping is part of an erotic scenario. “Secrecy and revealing a secret can be exciting,” Irina Panyukova clarifies, “And some couples resort to this tool to bring revival into their lives, to increase mutual interest.” However, in this case, too, care must be taken not to cross the line beyond which the game ceases to bring pleasure to the participants and begins to injure one of them.
And if the desire to reveal the secrets of another is caused by anxiety, it is useful to create a space in which you can discuss your anxiety. Either with your partner or with a therapist. To be able to say: “I am so worried that I feel the need to resort to means of espionage.” And try to figure out what’s going on in a couple. And the one who is being followed might ask himself what in his behavior provokes the partner’s anxiety. And what can be done to open the relationship again.
*Based on Yahoo survey, 2012.
** See Constitution of the Russian Federation, article 24, constitution.ru
Learn more
“Praise me. How to stop depending on someone else’s opinion and gain self-confidence James Rapson and Craig English. Why do we find ourselves in situations where our thoughts and feelings, safety and well-being are completely dependent on other people? A psychologist and a writer tell how to regain your freedom and start building relationships on an equal footing.
(Alpina Publisher, 2015).
