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This happens so often that it even seems to be the norm for some people. However, if you are bullied, if they raise a hand against you and systematically humiliate you, remember: this should not be. We’ve put together a guide to help you deal with domestic violence.
Preliminary preparation
Anastasia Gurneva, psychologist
It would be great if there was a manual that, simply by following, could quickly get a victim of abuse out of an abusive relationship. “Do it once” (save resources: money, time, education, housing), “do it twice” (seek help from everyone: relatives and friends, call women’s aid funds), “do it three” (run!). And that’s it, she is free, happy, surrounded by support and inspired by the new possibilities of the world.
It is a pity that such a manual is ineffective and can only create the illusion of an easy way out of such a relationship. It seems to me that the main work is done before “do it once”, so I would describe the most important “step zero” through several tasks.
Find out that the relationship is sick. It is with them, not with you that something is wrong. Are you afraid of your partner coming home from work, vigilantly trying to guess what mood he is in, trying not to talk about some topics, fearing to provoke his anger? Are you dependent on his mood, his money, his sobriety? Do you feel that it is you who are to blame for every quarrel, and you yourself provoked the aggression of the other? Do you think that without him you are nobody, and only his patronage gives you the opportunity to live? Do you have no friends and relatives left, because he is against your communication with them? Exhale, you are normal, and this is a consequence of an abusive relationship.
See that inside the relationship you are living a repeating cycle, in which after a period when everything is fine, an increase in tension follows. One side is afraid and waiting for a breakdown, while the other is looking for a reason, and as a result, an explosion occurs again. The next phase is withdrawal or apology, perhaps even expiation with gifts, and again a period of intimacy. And everything would be fine in these “emotional swings”, if the explosions did not become harder and longer, and the period of peace is getting shorter. But if you get off the swing and look at this cycle a little from the outside, it completely loses its charm.
If you think something is wrong with the relationship, then you don’t. When abused, gaslighting is often used, you can read about it and it is easy to calculate it later in conversations. Can you discuss everything with a partner and share responsibility for the relationship between two? Does your opinion matter to him? Can you agree on meaningful things in dialogue?
Abusive relationships are often skewed in matters of power. The abuser creates the illusion of his own omnipotence at the expense of the partner’s helplessness and dependence. And he, in turn, feels flawed and incapable of anything. It is important to realize that this was not always the case, and yes, perhaps now your positions are weakened, but this is temporary and due to circumstances. You have more power than you think.
You are not alone in this world. There are people around who are ready to help you.
And now, after such work done, you can proceed to the “do it once” item from the manual. I believe that then everything will work out for you.
Escape plan
On the territory of Russia in many cities there are centers where you can get help if you find yourself in a situation of domestic violence and are ready to save yourself and, possibly, your children. The most famous:
: + 7 (499) 901-02-01
: 8 (800) 7000-600*
: 8 (495) 916-3000*
: 8 (800) 1016479
: 8 (499) 977-17-05
On the fund pageyou can also find an action plan developed by experienced psychologists and lawyers.
Consider a security plan.
Think over your actions in case the act of violence is repeated again.
Talk about the violence to those you trust (friends, relatives).
Find a place where you can go in case of danger. Discuss in advance with friends and relatives the possibility of granting you temporary asylum.
Arrange with your neighbors to call the police if they hear noise and screams from your apartment.
If possible, then you need to prepare to record each case of beating, threats in a photo, video or voice recorder.
Think about how to get rid of the weapon, if there is one in the house, so that it does not fall into the hands of the offender.
In a safe but quickly accessible place, hide the necessary things: some money, spare keys to the house (car), a book with phone numbers, a passport, documents for children, other important papers, as well as necessary clothes and medicines.
Decide in advance what valuables you will take with you. In case of urgent need, they can always be sold or pledged.
Try to destroy all things that would help the offender find you (notebooks, envelopes with addresses).
Find out in advance the telephone numbers of local services that can provide you with the necessary support ().
Remember that during violence, it is best to trust your own intuition — sometimes you need to run away, sometimes — try to calm the offender.
If the situation is critical, then leave the house immediately, even if you did not manage to take the necessary things. Remember that your life is at stake!
If you think someone close to you has been the victim of domestic violence, please share this information. You might save a life. But remember the line between offering help and «doing good.» Even if the situation seems clear from the outside, and the way out of it is obvious, it may take a lot of time and resources for the victim of violence to ripen to change.
*The organization has the status of a foreign agent