If in childhood we constantly faced emotional neglect from our parents, this inevitably manifests itself in adulthood — we avoid emotions or do not understand why they are needed at all, but at the same time we feel deeply unhappy. Is it possible to opt out of this defense mechanism?
What can happen to a child whose parents are rarely interested in his experiences? And if they are interested, they listen inattentively or respond “on duty”. What kind of adult is he becoming? Surely here you can imagine a big uncle (or aunt) — downtrodden, distant, practically not talking to anyone.
But the reality is that people facing emotional neglect have developed their own defense mechanism — avoidance — that allows them to merge into a world where everyone exchanges information and somehow interacts. Such men and women, outwardly quite successful, look happy and sociable from the outside, but in fact they are deeply unhappy inside. Why?
I often come across such emotionally neglected children in my work. They are all different, but at the same time similar in many ways. And it makes me think about this.
A child who has met with emotional neglect learns to avoid emotions, he does not understand why they are needed at all. He seems to be turning to stone, thereby losing what makes a person alive, emotional, capable of empathy. Instead, shame for their feelings and low self-esteem settle in the child’s soul. An internal directive settles in him: it is forbidden to feel!
From an early age, he seems to become invisible. The child grows, develops, communicates and makes friends with someone, but constantly experiences discomfort, which manifests itself in feeling worse than others, thoughts that others see him only in the negative. Getting close to others is scary — it’s easier to keep your distance. After all, closeness is primarily emotional closeness.
It is very difficult for such people to accept challenges, because how to accept them if you do not believe in yourself, your strengths and support?
The child developed such a defense mechanism for himself at the moment when he was in dire need, and most likely he then helped him or her to be saved. Later, the avoidance morphed into something more and led to a problem that I call «universal withdrawal.»
This is a decision that a person relies on again and again and which becomes part of life, part of the «I». It is very difficult for such people to accept challenges, because how to accept them if you do not believe in yourself, your strengths and support? There is only one thing left for them — escape and internal isolation. And from this — again suffering and pain.
Is it possible to turn off this protection mechanism and live a full life? I thought long and hard about a universal piece of advice that could help, but as we all know, everyone is unique. Still, I’ll try to make a recommendation.
You can try to ask yourself the question: “What did I need to avoid as a child?” We can watch ourselves by tracking our every escape today. A notepad helps a lot, in which it is convenient to record all the patterns noticed.
The second step is to review the list and pay attention to recurring themes. What is the trend? Let’s try to change the decision, to go against what shouts to us: «Run!» And one day, step by step, overcoming internal resistance, we will work out a new system for ourselves. And let’s say to ourselves: «Don’t give up, invisible man!»