Disturbing, exciting, disgusting, violent… Erotic dreams are intriguing by the powerful emotions they arouse in us when we wake up. Are they a sign of repressed impulses or fears? Do they have a link with our own sexuality? Do they happen at special times in life? Elements of answer with Florence Bonneau, clinical sexologist.

Erotic dreams are very common since 80% of men and 70% of women say they have them at least once or twice a year (according to an INSEE report published in 2013). But what do we dream about most often? In 2014, a survey revealed the top 5 erotic dreams:

• Make love with a stranger (for 68% of the women questioned and 61% of the men questioned).
• Have a naughty time with a person of the same sex (for 62% of women and 21% of men).
• Having sex in the office with a co-worker (54% of women and 59% of men)
• Make love in an unusual place (47% of women and 38% of men).
• Make love with a celebrity (32% of women and 24% of men).

Rest assured, erotic dreams are not to be taken at face value. “They work like other dreams. Our brains make connections overnight between things we might have thought about or seen recently. This results in often incongruous content such as dreaming of having sex with your mother because you spent time with her during the day or the days leading up to the dream. But that does not mean that one feels a desire for her ”, explains Florence Bonneau. Like any other dream, a sex dream does not necessarily have a consistent meaning.

On the other hand, if the dream in question elicits haunting questioning or fears, it is helpful to speak with someone about it to possibly detect an underlying problem. “It is useful when the dream gives rise to psychological pain. Talking about the dream, putting words on what we dreamed of and which obsesses us, allows to defuse, to play down the scenario. Sharing the content of the dream can help us create meaning and thus make it less obsessive and guilty ”, remarks the sex therapist.

More than the content, it could be the recurrence of the same dream that matters in the search for its meaning. To see if any trends emerge from our erotic dreams, it is necessary to remember them when waking up or to write them down. Again, if and only if the dream is a problem for the dreamer. Behind the same repeating scenario can hide a message from our unconscious which is not necessarily linked to our sexuality. “Often dreaming that the other is cheating on us can translate a lack of self-confidence and / or a fear of abandonment. People who dream of unusual sexual practices and letting go of sex can turn out to be individuals who like to be in control of everything in their life. Those who often dream that their sexual partner disappears in the middle of lovemaking or who only see part of the body (buttocks, sex) during intercourse are sometimes people who suffer from a fear of commitment ”, lists Florence Bonneau. Please note, these interpretations are trends and not generalities. “Many books give a precise meaning to each type of dream. It’s a trend in popular psychology that I don’t like to apply as a therapist. I prefer to talk about trends or assumptions rather than meanings or interpretations. Each dream is linked to the person and his experience. Giving it universal significance is not appropriate ”, insists the specialist in human sexuality.

It seems that erotic dreams occur more at specific times in life:

• In adolescence. This is the period of the first sexual experiences alone or in pairs. Hormones are boiling and the awakening in love is at its peak. Sex occupies our thoughts during the day, and these thoughts naturally impact our dreams.
• During pregnancy. At the end of pregnancy, sexual intercourse between the couple tends to become scarce. Men sometimes find it difficult to eroticize their wives’ bodies, and physical changes make lovemaking more difficult. Unsatisfied sexual desires are then potentially found in dreams.
• During the holidays. “This period conducive to travel, relaxation and during which we strip more easily, stimulates our erotic imagination during the day. At night, our brain makes neural connections with what it has seen and experienced. Hence the high probability of having erotic dreams ”, suggests the sex therapist.
• In a time of sexual frustration. We talk about sexual frustration when we cannot or when we refrain from satisfying our erotic desires in real life. “The dream then becomes a doorway to emotions that one does not explore during the day. For example, it can be aggressive, dominant sexual dreams ”.