In his most famous philosophical treatise, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm not only analyzes the different types and components of love, but also considers practical issues. Indeed, how can one learn an art without practicing it?
According to Fromm, the practice of love requires several important things: discipline, focus, patience, and deep commitment. And the ability to love also requires such qualities as the ability to think objectively and the willingness to overcome one’s own narcissism. Details are in two fragments from his famous book.
Stay on your own
“To be able to concentrate is to be able to be alone with yourself, and this ability is a necessary condition for the ability to love. If a person is attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own feet, he or she may be my salvation in life, but this relationship will not be a love relationship. Paradoxically, the ability to be alone with yourself is a condition for the ability to love. Everyone who has tried to remain alone with himself will see how difficult it is. He will feel restless, agitated, or even experience a feeling of intense anxiety. He will be inclined to rationalize his lack of will in continuing this attempt with the idea that concentration is of no value, that it is simply stupid, takes too much time, etc., etc. He will also notice that thoughts come to his mind and take possession them all sorts of thoughts. He will catch himself thinking about the plans for the day or about some difficulties in the upcoming work, thinking about where to go in the evening, or about any other things that come to mind instead of being empty. A few exercises can help with this. For example, sit in a free position (not too relaxed and not too tense), close your eyes and try to see a white spot in front of you, and then try to remove all scattered images and thoughts; try to follow your breath, do not think about it and do not control it, but follow it – breathing, feel it; further, try to feel your “I”; I am myself, the center of my forces, the creator of my world. This concentration exercise should be done every morning for at least twenty minutes (or longer if possible) and every evening before going to bed.
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- Erich Fromm “Man for himself”
Смирение и объективность
“Love, being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the development of humility, objectivity and reason. All life should be devoted to this goal. Humility and objectivity are inseparable, as is love. I can’t be truly objective with my family if I can’t be objective with strangers, and vice versa. If I want to learn the art of love, I must strive for objectivity in every situation and become receptive to situations where I am not objective. I must try to see the difference between my image of a person and his behavior, perceived by me in a narcissistically distorted way, and a real person who exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears. The achievement of objectivity and reason is half the way to the achievement of the art of love, and they must be achieved in relation to all people with whom one has to come into contact. If someone wants to maintain objectivity towards a loved one and thinks at the same time that he can do without it in relationships throughout the rest of the world, he will soon be convinced that he loses both in the first and in the second case.
Erich Fromm “The Art of Loving”, AST, 2014