The conscious choice to live alone seems extravagant in a society where family values come first. Meanwhile, in other countries this choice is being made by more and more people. Why? Opinion of sociologist Eric Kleinenberg*.
Psychologies: We are accustomed to seeing in a lonely life more minuses than pluses. Why?
Eric Kleinenberg: In our society, attitudes towards singles have always been ambiguous. On the one hand, we value solitude, because it gives us time to really think about the meaning of our lives, to immerse ourselves in contemplation, to create works of art — and in our culture a certain individualism has always been valued. But on the other hand, we also have a disregard for loners, who are suspected of being asocial and rejecting moral standards. In the Book of Genesis, when God created Adam, he immediately realized: “It is not good for man to be alone; Let us make him a helper fit for him.” This is how Eve was created. In the Greek tradition, Aristotle defines man as a «social animal» and specifies in the book «Politics» that «one who is not able to enter into communication or, considering himself a self-sufficient being, does not feel the need for anything» is «either an animal or deity».
What is your take on loneliness?
E.K.: I would like to first of all talk about the difference between loneliness and living alone. We do not know how to talk on this topic without sentimentality, so it is difficult to find the exact words here. For example, in English it is not so easy to separate alone (lonely) from lonely (being alone). Strictly speaking, separation from others is primarily a social fact: I am alone. Loneliness means a psychological state: I feel lonely. Separating these concepts is necessary to understand why some people who have been in a relationship for many years admit that they suffer from deep loneliness; and vice versa, why some bachelors, although they live in solitude, never feel lonely — after all, they have many professional, friendly, love relationships.
- We value fidelity in marriage more
How is it that more and more people choose to live alone?
E.K.: Until 1950, single people lived mostly in rural areas. In the US, the figure of the isolated farmer, the «lone wolf,» the hermit, has become almost mythical. Many of these people were migrants who left the Old World alone to start life anew. In Europe, in the Scandinavian countries, you will find hunters and lumberjacks traditionally living in almost complete isolation from the rest of the world. These people are characterized by independence and contempt for authorities. Their pride comes from the ability to survive on their own, in constant contact with nature. Be that as it may, they have always been an absolute minority in society. But after the Second World War, the situation began to change. First of all, because of urbanization: the city allows us to live in seclusion without suffering from loneliness, since we have more activities outside the home. Raising the standard of living also played a decisive role — in rural communities people cannot afford to exist outside the family, and several generations live under the same roof at the same time, bound by material necessity. Raising the status of a woman — gaining access to the labor market, the ability to have her own bank account and the like — also played a decisive role. Finally, life expectancy has increased. When people began to live long, a new social category appeared: young people who, having a stable job, preferred to delay the moment of marriage in order to gain some experience before starting a family. In this respect, shared housing is a recent invention that would surprise those who came of age at the turn of the XNUMXth century.
Are single women different from single men?
E.K.: Young men, as a rule, rent housing. They prefer not to acquire their own housing and leave open as many options as possible. They can acquire permanent housing when they are ready to have a family and children. Single women in their 30s, on the other hand, seek to secure housing to make their lives as autonomous as possible – even if they have to change their plans when they find the right partner. If men want to have freedom in order to be ready for a decisive choice at any moment, it is important for women to ensure their independence and security.
Lonely people spend a lot of time and effort to create a separate life for themselves. But do they not become deaf to the needs and calls of other people?
E.K.: My research shows a completely different picture: single men and women are much more involved in urban life, more actively involved in the activities of non-profit organizations than married people, who are more likely to close themselves off from the world in their home space. Most of the charitable and even educational initiatives exist due to the activity of singles. It is important to remember that a lonely life is not a tragic circumstance or, on the contrary, a challenge to society. Most of us are alone at some point in our lives. For some, this circumstance falls on a period of 20 to 30 years. Others are rediscovering single life after a divorce or separation in adulthood. Some experience this period as a «second youth». Each of us must be ready to build a life on our own — both alone and together with someone. Loneliness is not a fate to which a person dooms himself for life, but a natural part of our existence.
1 Author of the book «Life Solo» (Alpina non-fiction, 2014).