This is the same natural feeling as fear or anger. But we rarely admit that we experience it. In extreme cases, we soften, adding that we envy “in a white way”. But, judging others, we are talking about some especially bad, “black” envy. What does this mean and can this feeling be divided into negative and positive?
The position that you were counting on is given to a colleague. You are upset, outraged and vindictively waiting for him to stumble. A classmate is shown on TV. You sigh: “Wow, got out into the people. And I?” But then you remember that she was always a terrible bore, and it becomes a little easier. In the midst of a party, you notice that a friend is laughing, surrounded by fans, and generally looks better than you. You frown and mentally wish her to go to hell.
If something like this happened to you, know that you are no different from the rest. You’re jealous, and it’s completely natural!
What is envy
Aristotle described it as pain from other people’s successes. A more detailed definition is given by the doctor of psychology Robert Leahy: “Annoyance or regret caused by someone’s property, luck, personal qualities.”
Although envy is called an emotion, in fact it is a whole range of emotions and actions: from mild irritation to burning anger, from a secret desire to take possession of other people’s values to attempts to take these values away.
What are we jealous of? Someone’s career, wealth, family happiness. Spectacular appearance, laid-back manners, melodic laughter. A new car, a trip to the Canary Islands, a smart handbag. That is, everything that we do not have, but would very much like to get.
Some researchers believe that society needs envy: to regulate social status, a clear hierarchy
It seems to us that we have lost, we are trailing behind, in a word, worse than others. It’s embarrassing, sad, unfair. We are nervous and angry, but we are afraid to admit it – even to ourselves! Because they learned that envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Envy is ugly, indecent, ashamed, just awful. And if so, the feeling is carefully concealed and repressed.
As a result, we cease to be aware of it, but continue to experience it. After all, it is part of human nature, associated with the age-old tendency to compare yourself with others – friends, colleagues, siblings, celebrities, even with random people you meet.
Interestingly, we rarely envy someone unattainable – say, Bill Gates or the Queen of England. It makes no sense, these people are almost legends. But it is quite logical to envy a neighbor or friend. They’re just like us, what the hell?!
Envy and self-esteem
Some researchers believe that society needs envy to regulate social status, class difference, and a clear hierarchy. After all, growth occurs through competition, which is born from comparison, and envy is one of the factors of competition.
Perhaps it is true: if people did not know how to envy, there would be no differences in the world, and this is a utopia. Those who point to a connection with self-esteem are also right. Envy makes you feel dissatisfied with yourself, which sometimes transforms into hostility towards the owner of the desired value.
A self-confident person is able to control his feelings and not be upset that he didn’t get some “charm”
The experience is not harmless at all. It turns off rational thinking and often leads to suspicion, hostility, aggression. Especially for people with low self-esteem. They almost fall ill, experience fear, anxiety, even depression. Such is the form of protection from a collision with one’s own inferiority.
People who are cheerful, generally satisfied with life, also experience envy. Only with them it is fleeting – as it came, so it left. It’s all about the same self-esteem: a self-confident person is able to control his feelings and not get too upset that he didn’t get some “charm”.
Black envy, white envy
Since society condemns envy, the majority tries to suppress it. As a result, we do not quite understand why we act in one way or another:
- we hate the one who is more fortunate, and stop communicating with him;
- we slander the “rival” and find fault with his shortcomings;
- we devalue the goods themselves and the one to whom they belong;
- we strive to prove that we are also worth something, but in fact – so that everyone would envy us. This is the very black envy that eats from the inside, absorbs energy and leads to destructive actions.
White envy borders on admiration. We recognize the merits of others, but do not try to harm, but simply say: “Class! I want the same”. In this case, the context completely changes: we are inspired by someone else’s example, we strive to “catch up” or even surpass the competitor.
How to deal with your envy
If you allow yourself to become aware of your envy, you can understand what caused it. As psychologists say, discover needs through experiences.
First, try to figure out what kind of relationship you have with envy? Robert Leahy, author of the concept of emotional schema therapy, suggests answering the following questions.
- Do you complain about people you envy?
- Are you talking nasty things about them?
- Are you uncomfortable talking to them?
- Do you immediately give up and do not even try to achieve the same success?
- Do you often catch yourself being jealous?
- Are you kicking yourself for this habit?
- What does it give?
Envy is such an insidious emotion that we sometimes do not realize how much it spoils our lives. Honest answers will help us understand what we are doing wrong and gradually replace unproductive strategies with productive ones:
- Complaining only repels people and causes hostility. Try to stop it.
- By speaking derogatoryly about others, we look very unattractive. Better to keep criticism to yourself.
- Avoiding the object of our envy, we will not learn anything from him and will not be able to reach the same heights. Don’t be afraid to get close.
- Surrender means giving up all opportunities and happy occasions in one fell swoop. So keep it up!
- Obsessive envy only oppresses. It is much wiser to accept your feelings and not lose heart.
- When we berate ourselves, it only gets worse. Remind yourself of your strengths more often.
- Having defined our attitude towards envy, we challenge it, and then there is an opportunity to turn it into admiration and even motivation.
By and large, it is not so important what we want – to become the head of a large corporation or to buy a cool handbag. It is important that envy no longer harms anyone. And finally. If you are jealous, it does not mean that you are a bad person. It means you are just human.