When you hug your baby, you think – it will always be like that. There comes a time, however, when you have to come to terms with the fact that a child – like this bird – must fly out into the world. The home socket becomes empty. But is this a good comparison?
Abandoned Nest Syndrome is not only a colloquial term, but also a term used by psychologists to denote sadness after the children leave the family home. Since each parent accepts their departure in their own way, sometimes this sadness lasts for several weeks, sometimes for several years. As families are different, so are the difficulties during this period.
Lost in the family
Many people, especially women, dedicate their lives to the family. After giving birth, they leave home less often and stop following their old interests. They put all their energy into the upbringing, unconsciously and gradually taking control of the child’s life. They perceive each of his failures as an educational failure, and his success as their own. Living like this for years, they cannot cope in life when a child wants to go “on his own”. The house becomes empty and the solitude becomes unbearable. Irritability, trouble sleeping and sometimes depression appear.
What shows that there is an emotionally unhealthy situation between the parents and the child? One of the well-known therapists describes a family in which a dramatic conflict arose when the child was moved out: “The family appeared to be perfect. In fact, the mother had been helping the children with everything for years. In their twenties, they still got tea, breakfast, clean clothes from her. Parents also made sure that the children did not trust anyone outside the family. All it took was a little mistake on the part of a new acquaintance to become a laughing stock. The real conflict began when the children found their own, in the opinion of the parents the wrong partners, and decided to start a family. The parents considered the independent choice of the spouses an attack on themselves and their authority. Ultimately, they directed their criticism against the children’s partners – they denied the upbringing decisions towards their grandchildren, the way of running the house, work and behavior. The children, although grown up, were unable to find appropriate solutions, being in conflict between their parents and spouses. “
Susan Forward in “Toxic Parents” points out that strong parental control goes hand in hand with bullying. The feelings and needs of the child are subordinated to the feelings and needs of the parents. The living conditions are imposed, the child’s opinion is worthless, and his needs and desires are inappropriate. In such a situation, the child himself has to fight this state of affairs, otherwise it will be very difficult for him to leave the family.
I still have time …
When a child is unwilling or unable to leave the nest, parents – although this is very difficult – have to try to push it out of the nest. A good way to do this is not to rent him a flat or help him find a job, but to invest time and money in … yourself. It is worth letting the child find a solution to the money shortage or other personal problem that he or she will have to deal with. When he notices that he has been left unattended, he will understand faster that it is time to take care of himself.
Only children have the greatest problems with leaving the family home. Why is this happening? In families with many children, parents prepare for loneliness with the departure of another child. Even when the youngest become independent and the house becomes empty, their parents are already prepared for the separation, because they experienced it earlier. The only ones who leave home are always newbies. Besides, only they are to one day take care of aging parents, so the pressure of expectations is quite high.
It is also very difficult to part with the children of the parent who brings them up alone. Children feel guilty leaving their mother or father unattended. They often delay leaving home in the hope that a single parent will find a partner. They help to look for marriage announcements and initiate meetings. A wise parent should not allow this to happen – the child cannot feel responsible for his fate.
Spreading the wings
In order to avoid unpleasant feelings related to the abandoned nest syndrome, the child should be allowed to develop independently from the very beginning of the upbringing. By giving him ready ideas and tools to implement his dream scenarios, we will create a lot of unnecessary problems. It is better to allow unsuccessful attempts, and in time to see for yourself how smart a child is. By enjoying his successes, he will learn to believe in his own strength.
How to wisely say goodbye, even though you secretly die of anxiety? Certainly at the beginning it will be difficult to find yourself in the prevailing silence and lack of duties. Pleasantly spent days can alternate with states of sadness and depression. Contrary to appearances, the constant calling and visiting children will not help. These will be tired of constant interference in their lives, and we will come to the wrong conclusion that they do not need us. Let them make mistakes and take responsibility for them. Let us not interfere in what they are doing, let us not rebuke, let us not criticize, let us not ask ourselves about everything. Let us be patient and accept their decisions, even when we do not agree with them. Let us share our experiences, but let us not impose our will. Sooner or later, the time will come when they will ask us for help or advice.
You’re not alone
Leaving the children’s home inevitably necessitates changes in the current life. Cooking, washing, cleaning after – for example – four people takes a lot of time. Now you can fill it with much more enjoyable activities. Passions and dreams put aside for years can finally see the light of day. You cannot forget about friends and peers. A trip out of town with friends, coffee with a neighbor or shopping with a friend after work is a great way to stay in touch.
This is also a good time to revive a dormant relationship. It is not without reason that this time is often referred to as the second youth. It’s time to remember that you are not only a parent, but also a spouse, partner.
Text: Marta Maciejewska, social communication specialist
Source: Let’s live longer