Empire of passion

The intimate experience of each of us is universal and unique at the same time. In order to better imagine this most closed area of ​​our life, we conducted a special study*. We now know that 18% of women aged 16 to 55 have had one sexual partner in their lifetime, 36% have had two to four, and 46% have had five or more partners. Half of those surveyed first had intercourse at 16-18 years old, but for 71% this experience was associated with a feeling of physical discomfort. 49% noted that over the past 5 years they have become more likely to have sex, but 54% of women would like to do it even more often than now. 82% know their body well and understand what gives them the most pleasure. The top three most erotic situations included outdoor sex, male dominance over a woman, and cunnilingus. 78% are confident in their attractiveness, almost the same number “just enjoy sex.” But 97% consider trust in another to be the main thing, only 14% say that they like an open relationship without obligations, and only 7% admit that they easily change partners … Let’s take a closer look at this portrait.

fire of desire

The sexual desire of women is directly related to the physical attractiveness of a partner. However, for most of them, his romantic acts, pleasant surprises and signs of attention are the best sexual stimulus, says gynecologist Silvain Mimoun (Silvain Mimoun) **. The problem, in his opinion, is that “men and women are offered the same vision of desire – impulsive. But if the former easily accept it, then it is difficult for the latter to adhere to only such a model of behavior. This explains the weakening of impulsive desire in women over time.

It is not so easy to understand and accept the reasons for the appearance and disappearance of desire. After all, we are talking about our fears and expectations, which we ourselves do not dare to admit. We’ve been told for years that desire is always stronger at the beginning of a relationship. So we have become accustomed to considering such differences in attraction as completely normal. However, what we hardly guess is that his whims in women are due not so much to fatigue or boredom as to the influence of a social environment that inspires distorted ideas about sexuality. “We are bombarded with clichéd images that block the imagination and confine sexual relationships to certain limits,” says Sylvain Mimoun. “As a result, we focus on our physical data and sexual skills, instead of pleasing the other and awakening in him a desire in return.”

The birth of sexuality

Today it is no secret to anyone that our fate in general and personal life in particular largely depend on what happened to us in childhood, how much love and attention we received from our parents and loved ones. But that’s not the point, explains psychoanalyst Didier Lauru: “It’s not about whether we were loved in childhood or not. What is important is this: did our early environment allow us to form self-love – a feeling that throughout life remains for everyone the core and source of inner strength. It is self-love that gives us the opportunity to build relationships in a couple, to give to another what we ourselves received in due time. No matter how old the lover is, for a while he inevitably turns into a defenseless child, unable to properly formulate his thoughts, amazed and fascinated by the look of his “creator” – a new partner or partner. It is simply impossible to escape, hide from this state … Provided, of course, that we are truly in love.

The Perfect Man

For women today, as always, it is important to ensure the survival and safety of their children. Therefore, heterosexual women are still attracted to masculine qualities: a deep voice, a strong-willed chin, a “masculine” smell. Evolutionary biologist Randy Thornhill proved that the body odor of a man whose face is strictly symmetrical (a sign of health and good genes) causes a craving in most women. “The desire is associated with an unconscious need to continue one’s family and with some powerful external stimulus,” explains anthropologist Marina Butovskaya. “Something delights us in another, making us desire him. We can be attracted to his body, character traits, actions, or something quite simple – a gesture, a habit. Everything that is somehow connected with our personal life experience and is only partly dictated by genes.

Sexologist and sociologist Igor Kon believed that the invention of birth control pills influenced women’s feelings and changed women’s ideas about the “dream man”. It was from this moment that sexual behavior ceased to be synonymous with reproductive. Women today are free to choose whether or not to have children, and have a different idea of ​​how their relationship with men should be. And most importantly – with what men.

Pressure standards

What do women think of themselves? Modern standards of appearance, which are almost impossible to meet, sophisticated poses of porn actors that require good physical fitness – today sexual relations do not allow imperfection and non-compliance with certain rules. Sexuality becomes not just an invitation to sex, it acquires an independent value, increasing our self-esteem in general. On the other hand, the bar is also raised very high in sex. “A crazy orgasm is a necessary component of sexual intercourse. The development of one’s sexual abilities is everyone’s duty. Modern women strive for performance just as much as men, so the tension in sexual relationships only grows,” confirms Sylvain Mimoun, calling this trend “an unhealthy desire of our ego.” Is pleasure really a duty in the modern world?.. Such recently emerged concepts as “the right to desire” and “the right to pleasure” prevent us from living in the real world. “Sexual desire has become something abstract, mythical,” sexologist Sergey Agarkov shares his observations. – One gets the feeling that pleasure and desire no longer belong to a living being entering into an intimate relationship, as a result of which a connection is formed between the fantasies of two different people. To regain sexual desire, you need to understand that it does not arise from nowhere and not only thanks to us, it arises under the influence of another person.

Meaning above all

If at the beginning of a relationship a small spark is enough to ignite the fire of passion, then over time, life together gradually cools the love ardor. “At first, making love allows us to satisfy our curiosity in relation to a partner,” explains Marina Butovskaya. “It’s a kind of trick that allows us to procreate. Once the goal is reached, the sexual impulse no longer has a reason to exist. It persists in men and disappears in women, because the latter need to find meaning in lovemaking in order to indulge in it.

What am I investing in this relationship? What do I get from a partner? Do we have common fantasies? What are my true needs and expectations? Here are some questions to help women give new meaning (and new impetus) to their sexual desire at any age.

* The study was conducted May 14-25, 2012 by Tiburon Research for the journal Psychologies. See our website psychologies.ru for more details.

** Author of “What Women Prefer” (“Ce que les femmes préfèrent”, LGF, 2010), based on the results of the January 2008 study “Love, desire, pleasure as imagined by French women”.

“Our differences make us want each other”

The nature of sexual desire in men and women is completely different – and this is very good, says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt.

Psychologies: Why do men and women experience sexual desire differently?

J.-M. X.: Because they are different genders! In men, desire manifests itself in the form of an erection, and excitation is removed by ejaculation. Unlike women’s, male sexual desire is focused specifically on the genitals, and is not distributed throughout the body. Although it is worth recognizing that men are able to learn to control their desire, that is, to go beyond the usual mechanical sexuality, complicating it and turning it into a kind of game.

What is the difference between women’s desire?

J.-M. X.: In order to discover her sexuality and desire for pleasure, the girl needs to make a conscious effort, namely, to recognize the value of her gender. And for this it is necessary to get away from the idea that the indicator of “normality” is the penis. The task of the mother is to instill in her love for her body and help her realize that she has something else, no less valuable and important, and this is a feature of her gender. However, since this “other”, unlike the penis, is hidden from the eyes, women need to discover it in themselves, to know it in its entirety, trying to feel all the facets of their desire associated with the numerous erogenous zones of the female body. Women’s desire is not focused on any one organ, it covers the entire body. And that’s what makes it so charming!

That is, we are attracted by the difference?

J.-M. X.: Exactly! When two people connect in a fit of desire, they still remain two different people. There is reciprocity, but not equality. But it is precisely this inequality and dissimilarity that makes us desire each other. Unfortunately, today there is a tendency to equalize women and men in their sexual desire. According to the standards set by porn movies, girls should always be ready for sex. Society tries to unify sexuality as a force too powerful to give it the right to individuality. However, given that women are more sexually creative, they can help men overcome their phallic narcissism that holds back and limits their sexuality.